Pip Really Sucks!
by Kenny's SpaceCadet
Summary: COMPLETE! Pip is friendless... until Damien returns and pulls Pip into a series of strange occurrences, including a threat on God's very existence, Satan and John Lennon being totally gay for each other, and an evil duck...
1. There's a Snake in My Boot!

Summary: Pip is friendless... until Damien returns and pulls Pip into a series of strange occurrences, including a threat on God's very existence, Satan and John Lennon being totally gay for each other, and an evil duck...

Warning: Language, possible slash, and if you're a hardcore Christian I would get out because this story is going to deal A LOT with religion, Hell, Jesus having a child, Satan being nice and wonderful, and God having an assassin on his tail.

A/N: This story was meant to be angst. When I thought of the idea, I had so many angsty scenes playing out in my head. But, it sort of came out humorous. Like Seaouryou's stories. I guess Seaouryou was just an incredibly great influence to me, because now I want to write like that. Um...well, have an entertaining read, and please don't be offended by all the "Satan being friends with Jesus" thing, because really, I don't believe that. I just have it so it works for this story. Yeah, it would be cool, but I guess if there is a God then there has to be a Satan because there is so much evil in this world. Or God's sense of humor is just incredibly twisted. Or there is no God whatsoever.

Disclaimer: I own South Park, just like I own Kelloggs, Sony, and Apple Computers. Get over it.

IMPORTANT: I LOVE Pip! It's just so much fun to make fun of him sometimes that I can't help it. But don't flame me about how Pip is cool and I shouldn't be making a story about how much he sucks. I don't think he sucks. But he thinks he sucks. And I guess this is kinda from his P.O.V. So, Pip is cool, but I still like to say he sucks.

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Philip Pirrup, more commonly known as Pip, was not what you'd call...socially fortunate. He was, for the utter lack of a better descriptive word to put here, friendless. For some odd reason, all the other boys seemed to hate Pip with a passion, for which Pip himself hadn't ever quite understood why. Pip was so nice, so accepting of their unwarranted punishment, and yet Butters Stotch was the only person Pip could remember ever showing him true kindness. And Butters had long since moved away, leaving Pip alone again.

As usual.

School – as you all probably guessed since this is a fairly cliché concept – was hell for Pip Pirrup. Being the outcast, even if there is no particular reason whatsoever, means that the other boys (and sometimes the girls) like to spend their free periods making you have the most uncomfortable experiences, sometimes involving toilets and trash-cans. And port-a-potties. Port-a-potties were definitely number one on Pip's list of the most horrible places he had ever been put by a kid. Not necessarily a boy, either.

It wasn't as if Pip would just roll over and let them do that horrible stuff to him, of course. Well, actually, yes, that's what he did. Pip was a small boy, and had no parents or kind adults that he could tell (because French people suck, remember?). Pip couldn't fight worth shit, and all of the muscles in his whole body were probably equivalent to the amount of muscles in Arnold Schwarzenegger's left pinky. Not his right pinky; his right side is much stronger than his left (remember, he's a Republican). Pip was scrawny, bony, short, runty, puny, skinny, and basically every other word that describes smallness. Because, Pip was small. He was just born that way.

But, even though Pip never fought back, he did try very hard to make the other children like him. He never said anything bad about them at all, and let them do basically whatever they wanted to him. Except for when he beamed Kyle with a dodge ball. But he had gotten in trouble for that, and never again had he come anywhere near a dodge ball. Pip tried extremely hard to be someone that everyone would like. But, it only seemed to fuel the other's insults and make Pip feel even worse about himself.

There comes a day in every man's life though, when he meets that certain special girl who will brighten up his life and make sweet love to him down by the fire. And then that said girl will marry him and bear his children and they'll grow old together and have grandchildren to spoil and grow in debt over. Of course, Pip is not a man. Pip is just barely a boy, scarcely scraping by with his small bearings. And Pip, because he's French (even though he's not actually French), will never meet that amazing girl who will somehow give him this strange burst of confidence and make him the popular, loved person he always wished he was. Because Pip sucks.

But, there came a day in Pip's life where he did manage to meet someone who didn't completely despise him. Of course, this person was not a girl. This boy would not make sweet love to Pip down by the fire. And this boy really doesn't like French people. But, since Pip is not actually French, he might stand a chance.

Let's find out, shall we?

**Chapter 1 – There's a Snake in My Boot! No, Really, There IS a Snake in My Boot...**

The day dawned bright and beautiful for Pip. The day wasn't significantly promising, but it was pretty. Pip loved the sunrise. It made him remember...well, there was nothing nice for Pip to remember that a sunrise would remind him of, but nevertheless, he looked forward to the sun peeking up over the horizon and giving him that small ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, someone would say something relatively nice to him today.

Pip was an irrational dreamer and he knew it.

Pip would've liked to ride the bus to school. It was a long walk to the high school that Park County made North, South, and Middle Park all share. The only problem, though, was that the bus driver didn't like French people. And no matter how much Pip tried to persuade her that he wasn't French, but actually British, Mrs. Kilfrench wouldn't let Pip on the bus. So, Pip walked three miles to get to school every day.

Poor, poor Pip. He really does suck!

Pip usually didn't have to worry about bullies picking on him until class started. Pip liked to get to school early and lock himself away in the library with Charles Dickens and Shakespeare. For some odd reason, the little British boy felt a pull to Old English writers...it was like they were from the same country or something. Odd. But, since Pip sucks so much, they – though the actual identity of "they" will probably never be revealed because it's meaningless and would only make you laugh – decided that they needed to pick on Pip earlier in the morning, out in the parking lot. "Hey, Pip-squeak," one of the horribly mean and horribly handsome "they" yelled at the small blonde Brit.

"Cheerio! It is a very nice day, is it not?" Pip asked in that annoyingly adorable French – I mean British – accent. Pip didn't even get a verbal response. He was picked right up off of the ground and held upside down. Since he was so short, they could actually do that to him without his head coming near to the ground. Pip felt a hand fiddling with his boot. "Whatever are you doing, jolly sir?" Pip asked kindly. Because Pip is always kind to everyone, even if they happen to be holding him upside down above the cold, hard cement.

"I'm trying to get your stupid French shoe off of you!"

"Actually, I'm British..." Pip wasn't able to say much more, since his shoe was pulled painfully off of him and he was dropped. "Ouch! That was a mite painful, I must say!"

"Whatever, dork!" When the horribly handsome but yet horribly mean person threw his shoe back at Pip and walked off with the other guys (and girls), Pip knew there must be something wrong with the boot. "Whatever could he have done to my boot?" Pip wondered. Pip examined the outside thoroughly and found nothing wrong at all. "Well, I must say, it doesn't look contaminated in any way!" Pip pushed his foot back into the boot, expecting to feel the softness of the fake fur envelop his feet. Instead, he felt something cold and scaly..."AHHHHH! THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!"

- - - - - - - - - -

"Pip, what are we going to do with you?" asked the burly, red-haired man. "You always cause such problems at this school!"

Pip sat quietly in the blue plastic chair, not quite understanding what he had done wrong. "Mr. Withers, in all kindness, they put a snake in my shoe..."

Mr. Withers didn't make any motion to be sympathetic. "Boy, you dealt with that the wrong way! Your screaming attracted the attention of many onlookers, and when the snake escaped your boot, who do you think it went after?"

"It tried to bite me, if I may say so."

"No you may not say so!" Mr. Withers scolded. "Even though we have no proof one way or another, that snake did most certainly go after those other innocent children, and could have taken numerous lives if we hadn't intervened at just the moment we did!"

"It wasn't poisonous...the red was touching the black..."

"The rhyme goes 'Red touches yellow, you're an okay fellow, if red touches black you're a sorry dead Jack!'"

Pip shook his head. "I'm terribly sorry to contradict, but it's 'Red touches yellow, you're a dead fellow, but if red touches black you're okay Jack...'"

Mr. Withers ignored Pip's voice of reason, because Mr. Withers hates Pip. "Now boy, we'll need to think of an appropriate punishment, seeing as you almost KILLED a bunch of innocent teenagers!"

Mr. Withers put his hand on his chin, preparing to think of a punishment that would somehow humiliate and demean dear Pip, because everyone hates Pip so no one cares if he has to do something horribly embarrassing and possibly dangerous. But, Mr. Withers didn't get far because before he could start to think Mrs. Keen, the secretary, came inside the office looking like somebody she loved had died and she got none of the money from the will. "Tom, there is a kid here! He's new, and he's freaky!"

"Pip isn't new..."

"I'm not talking about Pip! There's a new kid, and he's all dressed in black and he's with some John Lennon look-a-like! I gave him his schedule, but I am NOT about to show his crazy-ass around the school!" Mrs. Keen's voice was shaky and her perfectly manicured nails tapped against the door. "We need to get a student to show him around, so I don't have to!"

Mr. Withers and Mrs. Keen both looked at Pip. "Mrs. Keen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mr. Withers asked with an evil smirk on his face.

"Yes! Let's exploit the French piece of crap!"

"Excuse me, but I'm not Fr-"

Before Pip could finish his sentence, Mrs. Keen had grabbed his arm and was dragging him painfully to the front desk. "Why hello again...uh..."

"Damien," the boy in all black responded.

"Damien!" Mrs. Keen flushed as she pulled the struggling Pip in front of her. "Pip will show you around the school, Damien. Uh...Damien, your guardian needs to fill out a few more papers, but you can go get shown around the school now, alrighty?"

"My name is John," the John Lennon look-a-like said.

"Oh...well, that is certainly a strange coincidence," Mrs. Keen said shakily.

"I know. Very strange."

Damien gave one look at Pip and said, "I don't want **her** to show me around!"

"Um, I'm sorry to correct you, but I am a boy," Pip said softly, as if he felt like he would be hit for this. If it were anyone who knew Pip, they probably would have, because everyone hates him and he sucks.

"Well, you are the girliest boy I've ever met," Damien muttered. "Do I know you?"

"If you hate me, then you know me," Pip replied.

"Er...you seem a little familiar is all," Damien sighed. "Well, show me around the school!" he snapped.

"Right-o!" Pip said and led the way to the office door. "Well, I assume you already can tell that this is the office -"

"Ooh, I couldn't have figured that out on my own, dip-shit."

Pip squeaked a little and moved slightly away, as if to get out of Damien's arm length. "Um...right-o!" Pip proceeded to walk down the hall, telling Damien what everything was. Pip had never felt this important before; he was helping someone learn something new! Pip hadn't ever really helped anyone before, seeing as everyone hated him and only didn't kill him because he was such fun to pick on. "Well...who is your first teacher? I'll take you there first," Pip said smartly.

"No. I don't want to go to class."

"Um...okay." Pip continued to lead Damien down the halls. "Everyone is already in class," Pip said, for no real reason other than he wanted to make idle small talk so the awkward silence would disappear.

"Okay. Where are we going?"

Pip got himself slightly flustered. "Well, I truthfully don't really know..."

Damien smacked himself on the head. "Okay, show me where the cafeteria is first," he suggested. Pip was glad for the suggestion; he would've made a complete fool of himself otherwise.

"Right-o...it's right down this hall," Pip directed. "You just...walk this way, past room 169, and you have gotten to the cafeteria," Pip said. "The school is quite simple to find your way around in, really, if you just -"

"Are you British?"

Pip sputtered for a moment. Everyone thought that he was French! "I – I am...how did you know?"

"You have a distinctively British accent," Damien replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Pip flushed. "Er...everyone thinks I'm French..."

"You don't look or sound French. French people are good looking."

"Oh, I understand!" Pip said brightly. "Would you like to go to the gym now?"

Damien appeared put off at Pip's easy acceptance of the insult he'd dished. "Sure thing...um, what's your name again?"

"Pip."

"Pip?"

"Yes, Pip. My birth name is actually Philip, but everybody hates me, so they call me Pip. You can call me whatever you will, though, if you don't like the name Pip."

"Well...Pip, lead the way to the gym..."

Pip grinned at Damien. "Okay! The gym is really easy to find, it's just across the walk-way from the cafeteria..."

Damien put his hand on Pip's shoulder. "Pip, I don't really know you – although you look strangely familiar – and I know this may seem a little odd, but can I sit with you and your friends at lunch today?"

Pip felt a shiver go up his body. This person, Damien, actually WANTED to sit with him! Pip sucked, so most people didn't want to have anything to do with him unless they were bullying him. But Damien actually wanted to hang out with him! On the other hand, if Damien hung out with him, everyone else was surely to hate him. No matter how much Pip wanted to have a friend, he couldn't cheat Damien out of possible popularity. Damien just seemed like one of those people that really wanted to hang out with all the jocks that sat with the cheerleaders as their personal lapdogs or the nice, normal boys who were obsessed with video games and made sexual innuendos out of everything they heard. With a heavy heart, Pip told Damien no.

"I'm sorry Damien, but you can't. You wouldn't like me or who I hang out with." Pip hung out with no one. That's why Damien wouldn't like them. Pip and Damien continued their little tour, but Pip knew deep inside that this was the last time Damien would ever speak to him so kindly.

Cause Pip sucked ass.

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Hi...I'm aware that this is kinda a weird story. I also know I talked about Pip sucking a lot, but again, I love Pip; he only sucks because everyone in this story hates him, so he has to suck something or they wouldn't hate him. I'd really like a review, if you would be kind enough. I don't care if it's a flame, because I'll use all the flames I get to burn Pip because he sucks. Lol. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't ever burn Pip. He's too cool!

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	2. Contamination

Hi! Chapter 2 here, since at least a one person reviewed...Also, it might be slightly more angsty than the first chapter; sorry! Also, Stan Kyle Cartman and Kenny are complete assholes in this chapter. Forgive me

Warning: Language, major dissing of the Christian faith...I think...well, in later chapters it will. There probably will be some Pip/Damien slash, but I'm still not sure how that's gonna work, so I can't tell you when. Most likely, at the end of the story lol.

Disclaimer: Duh I own South Park, just like I own Totally Spies, Microsoft, and Cingular. If you don't believe me, than your brain must be completely fried and you must be incredibly stupid to think I don't own South Park!

**Chapter 2 – If You Eat Lunch With Me, You're Probably Gonna be Contaminated**

Pip sighed as he poked at his meal absently with his spork. He had told Damien not to eat with him, but it still hurt a bit to know that someone had actually heeded his words for once and listened to him. Pip hadn't had anybody want to eat lunch with him before, and of course the first thing he does when someone wants to be anywhere near him is push them away.

But, it was for the better. Pip would rather Damien make some real friends than Damien be his friend and be hated.

Pip looked up across the lunch room and saw Damien sitting with Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick. For some reason it was as if they had already known each other. "It certainly does seem like I already knew him," Pip mused. Pip took a small bite of his food and sighed, staring at the table again.

Pip hadn't a clue why everybody seemed to despise him. Did they have something against French people? "I'm not French," he said quietly to himself. But they all thought he was French. Maybe they just hated France or something. Or maybe, maybe Pip should have stood up for himself a little more and they would have liked him. Again, doubtful. They would have probably just beat him up or something for acting up like that.

"It's not like there's anything I can do now," Pip muttered miserably.

Pip looked up at Damien again, and saw him going for the trash can. After he'd emptied his tray, Damien looked in Pip's direction, and Pip immediately turned his head towards the table. If Damien caught him staring, he might force his new friends to hurt him. Pip ate hastily, trying to make it appear that he had been eating the whole time. "He can't come over here, he can't..."

But, Pip isn't exactly what you'd call lucky, and his prayers never really get answered.

"Hey Pip, where are those friends you said I wouldn't like?" Damien asked, plopping down into a chair across from the small blonde boy. Pip mumbled something incomprehensible. "What was that?" Damien asked.

"I said, the friends you wouldn't like are all around us at this very moment," Pip repeated, still quietly.

"Pip, are you insane or something? Because there's nobody at this table..."

"That's the whole point!" Pip said a little louder than he'd intended. "I don't have any friends!"

"Oh. Sucks to be you, huh?"

He didn't even know the half of it.

"Just go away!" Pip looked up at Damien with a dark glare, one that would for sure get him beaten for. "I don't want you here!"

"Yes you do," Damien replied nonchalantly. "No offense, but it's kind of obvious that youWANT friends."

Pip knew that Damien just HAD to be making fun of him. "Offense taken," he muttered sullenly. "Just leave me alone, I'm not exactly in the mood to be made fun of at the moment."

"I'm not making fun of you," Damien stated, his expression and tone never changing. "I'm merely stating the apparent truth."

"Well, go away! I don't want you to be friends with me!"

"Why not?"

"Because everyone will hate you too! Don't you get it? Even talking to me like this could cause everyone else to make fun of you for a very long time." Pip was dreadfully aware of the fact that yelling at Damien was sure to get him beaten up later. Well, not like it would hurt that much. Pip was used to abuse from his peers.

"Well, maybe I don't give a rat's ass about those assholes," Damien replied smoothly. Pip literally picked up his tray and threw it at Damien's head. But the moment Pip saw the milk dripping down in Damien's hair, he gasped in horror.

"Oh gosh what have I done?" Pip said frantically while speeding around the table. "I am so terribly sorry! I don't know what came over me!" Pip immediately moved the tray from Damien's head to the table and then went on to pick French fries and lettuce out of Damien's ebony hair. Damien was shocked and was stiff as a board. Pip continued to apologize over and over. "I really am sorry..."

Before Damien could completely beat the crap out of Pip though, a few other people decided that they would do it for him. "Pip, what the hell did you do to our new friend?" Stan asked while pulling the Brit by his collar. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny all stood around behind him; Cartman had his arms crossed and Kyle's hands were on his hips; they were both glaring. Kenny didn't look at all angry, more like he was enjoying watching Pip about to get mauled.

"I didn't mean...I don't know what came over me, Stan..." Pip struggled against the death grip of Stan Marsh.

"It'd better not happen again!" Kyle yelled. "Damien is cool, and if you EVER pull a stunt like that again, we promise there will be ten times the pain that we're gonna inflict on you right now!"

"And of course, the smart-ass Jew would resort to multiplication, but whatever," the fat one said with a huge, heaving sigh. "I'm sorry Pip, but, well...actually, I'm not sorry at all about this." Cartman then dumped an entire milk carton on Pip's head.

"Oh my...that really is a waste, don't you think Fat-ass?" came Damien's voice. "Look, I really don't care if you beat on Pip, but don't do it because of what he's done to me. Do it because of what he's done to you."

"Bzt...hrs nrxrr dine alghtblg to us..."

That roughly translated to, "He's never done anything to us." Damien raised his eyebrow at Kenny's words. "Why are you hurting him if he's never done anything to you?"

"Because he threw a food tray at you!" Stan yelled.

"Yeah, well, I don't really care. You guys are assholes."

Stan promptly dropped Pip onto to ground and walked off coldly, talking loudly about how annoyingly ungrateful Damien was. "I don't like him, he's an asshole!" Kyle agreed. Damien shook his head, laughing quietly but evilly. Pip stood up and rubbed his arm embarrassedly.

"Um...you did not have to do that," Pip muttered.

"I didn't do it for you!" Damien snapped. "I did it because those guys are assholes."

"Yeah...it was still really nice of you..."

Damien scoffed. "I'm not nice. I'm not of nice genealogy either. And if you ever mention this again to anyone, you will be dead."

"Okay!" Pip couldn't help but grin. "Oh...but, you'll be contaminated if you sit by me any longer...you should go somewhere else."

"Ha, is your unpopularity a disease now?" Pip merely nodded. Damien cocked his eyebrow and grinned. "So, you're saying you DON'T want me to sit with you." Pip nodded. "You DO want me to sit with you?"

"No! I mean, I want...but you will...everyone will..." Pip shook his head and sighed and plastered his eyes to the floor. "You don't want to sit with me, really. It's for your own good. I mean, I DO want to have a friend, but...I'd never be so selfish as to pull you into a bad reputation, and -"

"Kid, just so you know, I don't really like you. But I like you more than I like them. So I'm gonna stick with you, blondie."

Pip lifted his head with a huge, beaming smile on his face, promptly wiped off with a death glare from the dark boy in front of him. "I don't LIKE you! But...they're assholes and will screw me over, and you're too wimpy to do that!"

"Okay...that makes sense..." Pip still couldn't help the nice feeling inside of him. Damien hadcomplete knowledge that people were going to make fun of him for being Pip's friend, and he didn't really care. "Er...I need to go wash this milk out of my hair," Pip said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, me too. Some idiot little British boy threw his lunch tray at me for no particular reason," said Damien. Pip blushed.

"Er...I really am sorry about that..."

"Don't mention it. I don't exactly care. This milk is just too white..."

Damien WAS pretty dark, Pip had to agree. "You are very black, I must say. Er...dark, not black...er..." Pip looked flustered and Damien just smacked him over the back of the head lightly.

"Stop acting like a little girl."

"Well...okay..."

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Hi! This is the end of chapter 2, and I don't exactly like it as much as I liked chapter one. It's not very long, I must say. I really would like some reviews, because that would just be really cool lol. Please tell me what you think, and if you think this is going anywhere. I already have the story entirely planned out, but if you guys don't like it I don't think there's really any point to continue it, is there? So, flame me if you will, I use the flames to burn people I don't like. It's really quite jolly old fun!

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	3. The Toils of Friendship

Hi! This story is not exactly very popular, I can see, because I've only gotten about 4 reviews...it would be greatly appreciated if you reviewed, even if you flame, because then the flame will at least show up as another review lol. Also, I'm still being funny, but definitely not like the first chapter. It's just, this whole story was meant to be an angst, so making it funny is rather difficult. Well, on the first chapter it wasn't, but now it is. I apologize, even though so few of you read it so no one really cares lol.

Warning: Language, later there will be Christian faith dissing and there will also be slash later but I don't know why that would have to be a warning in such a slashy fandom lol.

Disclaimer: Yes, I completely own South Park, just like I completely own Converse, The Gap, and Darigold. If you thought I didn't own South Park because I'm just a lowly fanfiction writer, you were WRONG! Muahaha!

**Chapter 3 – The Toils of Friendship**

Many people take their friendships for granted because they don't realize just how difficult it is to be a friend. They've had friends for so long that it's sort of just a habit to them, and they don't even realize that a good friendship takes a lot of work. Well, in reality, someone who's had friends since kindergarten has had a lot of practice. It's like someone who's taken piano lessons; the piano is an extremely hard instrument to play, but when you practice enough, it's not hard for the person who took the lessons. But Pip had never had a friend before. And Pip didn't have the slightest idea how to go about being a good friend.

Pip and Damien had one class together, right after lunch. During class, Pip usually sat off in a corner by himself, doing the work assigned and then reading or something. But, this was his class with Damien. Was he supposed to go over to Damien and strike up a conversation, or was it more polite to wait until Damien talked to him? When the teacher asks the class to pair up with people, should he ask Damien to be his partner, or were they not good enough friends to be partners yet? Pip didn't even know why Damien wanted to be his friend. Pip was sure that if any of the other boys screwed Damien over, he could give them a beating from hell. Pip wondered if Damien just wanted to screw him over.

It's not like Pip wasn't used to that or anything...

Pip stared out the window, miserable thoughts running through his head. Damien hadn't said a word to him since lunch. Class was already halfway over, and Damien hadn't even strayed from his seat. _I guess he just doesn't really want to talk to me, _Pip reasoned. Pip decided that that made good enough sense, since he wasn't an incredibly interesting person to talk to. Pip wasn't just sad that Damien wasn't speaking to him though, he was also afraid of when Damien WOULD speak to him. Pip didn't want to mess up and say the wrong thing, now did he? And was he supposed to ask Damien for his phone number or anything? Of course, Pip didn't even have a phone, so it didn't really matter.

The whole class passed and Damien had not said a word to Pip. Pip sighed as the bell rang, expecting Damien to immediately leave to his next class since Pip had already shown him where it was. Pip, of course, is not the brightest crayon in the box and expects pretty stupid things sometimes. Damien immediately walked over to Pip's desk and sighed mournfully.

"I hate my seat partner," Damien said, flames apparent in his eyes.

"Who?" Pip had been keeping a close eye on Damien throughout the period and paid no attention to his seat partner.

"Bebe Stevens," he said with a shudder of disgust. "She seems to think I'm "smexy". I don't even know what the hell that means!"

"Er...neither do I..." Pip responded, trying to put his two cents into the conversation.

"Ugh. Anyway, I'm getting as far away from that whore as possible...I really hope she's not in any more of my classes."

"Oh...well, goodbye then," Pip said, not knowing if there was a special goodbye you were supposed to say to friends.

Damien high-tailed it out of there, leaving Pip standing next to his desk with his bag not even half-packed. Pip stuffed his math book and binder into his bag and proceeded to his next class.

It was funny, really. Pip was not a troubled child. He was naturally well-behaved, being brought up in an environment where he was told to be nice to everyone no matter what they did. And yet Pip had close to the most office referrals out of the whole tenth grade. He had been sent to the office 87 times since the beginning of the year, not including when he got sent down during his last period.

"But Mr. Withers...I don't really understand what I did..."

Mr. Withers gave a heaving sigh. "You've been down here TWICE today Pip! What the hell is your problem? Do French people have a tendency to be complete misfits and trouble makers?"

"I'm not French..."

Mr. Withers ignored the poor boy, choosing instead to sigh again. He put both hands on the desk and supported himself. His red hair and mustache quivered slightly, Pip noted with amusement. "Pip, something is wrong with you. You can't keep yourself out of trouble and people are starting to notice! I have the school board hounding down on me to have better students and better office records, and you're completely blowing it for me! Now, Frenchie, tell me why it is that you were being a distraction in Mr. Sanders classroom?"

"I answered the question on the overheard projector wrong...and then Mr. Sanders sent me here."

"I don't believe you! French people are liars, all of them!"

"I'm not -"

"Pip, you need to shape up your act before I suspend you! I am the vice principal and counselor; I have the power to do that."

Pip gasped slightly. Suspended? How could he ever be suspended? Pip was such a good kid, why did they think he was horrible? "Mr. Withers, I don't really think I'm a bad -"

"Pip, you're French, you're a bad kid."

"GODDAMMIT I AM NOT FRENCH!" Pip yelled, finally having lost it. "Why does everybody think I'm French! I am British, Goddammit!"

Mr. Withers looked shocked for a moment. But, it was only for a moment. As soon as he got over the fact that Pip had actually stood up to him, he gave Pip after-school detention for the rest of the week, and the week after. "That's what you get for being French," Mrs. Keen said as Pip walked out of the office, looking sullen. Pip expelled a sad sigh, heading in the direction of the detention room.

Detention was..awful. Pip wasn't a stranger to detention, no, but there were just so many bullies in detention this time. They all decided Pip was their personal punching bag for the rest of the time, and Mrs. Tyrese didn't even look up from her Readers Digest once. Pip tried to make as little noise as possible, knowing that they usually used his screaming as an excuse to punch him harder, but it didn't really make a huge difference anyway.

The next day Pip got in trouble during his third period. He had been reading Oliver Twist when Mrs. Landers was busy droning on about the Civil War. He got sent to the office for the 89th time, and Mr. Withers gave him a long talking to about how he needed to control his French desire to be a bad hat. "I'm sorry, Mr. Withers. I'll try to not to let it happen again." Pip decided he was done talking back to Mr. Withers. He didn't want more trouble than he already had.

"Pip, where's your lunch?" Damien asked as he fell into a chair next to Pip in the lunch room.

"Oh, I just misplaced my money, that's all," Pip said with a sigh. He fished his book from his backpack, expecting to have to read all lunch.

"Uh...well..." Damien appeared to be struggling to say something. Pip glanced over.

"Are you okay?"

"Here!" Damien shoved some sort of sandwich over to Pip. "I hate mayonnaise. It's too white." Damien looked angry that he had to forfeit his lunch because Pip had been a forgetful little bitch.

"Er...that's okay. I'm not that hungry."

"I don't care about your hunger, I just hate mayonnaise!"

Pip reluctantly took the sandwich. "But...it's my fault I didn't bring my lunch money, not yours. You shouldn't have to give me any of your lunch..."

"Goddammit Pip take the goddamned fucking sandwich!"

Pip squeaked and hastily pulled the sandwich to his chest. "I'm sorry, I took it!"

"That's better." Damien dug into his macaroni salad with much zest. "Well, go on, I didn't poison it!" Damien snapped. Pip rapidly de-plastic-ed the sandwich and took a rushed bite.

"It's very good...I thank you very much..."

Damien rolled his eyes.

Pip bit his lip and stared at the sandwich. This was one of the only presents he'd ever received in his life. But, Pip thought in a panic, he didn't have any type of gift to give Damien in return. What would Damien think of him receiving a present and not giving one in return? "Damien...I'm dreadfully sorry, but I'm too poor to get you a return gift to show my thanks..."

"Pip, it's a _sandwich_. Get over yourself. You don't need to get me a stupid "return gift to show your thanks", you know. I don't really care. I hate mayonnaise, it's not like I was giving it to you out of the goodness of my heart."

Pip muttered something inaudible.

"What was that? Speak up when you talk, for God's sake!"

"I said, this is the nicest thing anyone has done for me..."

Damien raised his eyebrow. "Well, if you're gonna get all emotional I'll take it back."

"No! I mean...er...sorry..." Pip took another small bite of his wonderful meal. "I...uh...well..."

"Pip, you know you suck, right?"

"Yes, I'm very aware of that..."

"And you know you're a girly pussy, right?"

"I guess I do now..." Pip touched his hair self-consciously. Did he look that much like a girl? His clothing was a bit feminine, he guessed he had to admit. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry, just be sad," Damien said with an evil chuckle. "Anyway, what my point is is that you are the absolute opposite of me, the epitome of coolness, bravery, and manliness."

"Go on...?" Pip was sure Damien was going to contradict what he just said with something nice about him.

"Well, that's all I really wanted to say," Damien with a chuckle. "I just felt like pointing out your faults and making me feel better about myself. Thanks, ol' buddy!" Damien said while clapping Pip on the shoulder. Pip couldn't help it; he burst out laughing.

"Damien, you...you are the rudest chap I've ever known!"

"Yeah, be honored that you know me."

And Pip was honored. Because Damien, the epitome "coolness, bravery, and manliness", actually chose Pip over popularity. "Damien, I don't think you're right in the head," Pip pointed out.

"And why is that?"

"You are choosing ME over popularity...why is that? I'm small and insignificant and everybody else hates me. There's nothing special about me."

"Well, you're British. If you were French, I'd hate you. But you're not French, so it's all good!"

Pip shook his head. "No Damien...I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation..."

"My...situation? Pip, I'm not pregnant, contrary to the popular opinion." Damien laughed at his own little joke.

"Well...Damien, nobody is ever gonna like you except for me, because you are hanging out with me. It'll ruin your whole life!"

"Pip, I don't know how many times you've told me this, but I think one time was enough for me to "understand the gravity of my situation". Pip, I don't like them. They're assholes. They've been assholes since I met them back in the third grade, and they always will be assholes."

"You met them in the THIRD GRADE?"

"Yeah, my dad had some death match with Jesus..."

Pip's eyes widened in recognition. So this was why Damien had looked so damn familiar! "You're DAMIEN! The Son of Satan! The one who made me into a human firework!"

Damien's eyes widened as well, and then he burst into laughter. "That was fucking hilarious! Oh, you should've seen the look on Eric's face when I blew you into the sky! He looked like a giant Cheesy Poof had come to his front door and said "Eat me Cartman! Oh, eat me!"! Ha ha! You were a great firework."

"I...I guess I was a splendid firework..."

The two friends burst into laughter.

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Wow. Third Chapter done. I am a quick writer, I must say! Or, I just have no life. Yeah, probably the latter. Anyway, please review, because I really want reviews. I'm going to cook some Mac n' Cheese with the flames I get, so feel free to flame!

Kenny's SpaceCadet will give a free copy of her very own Mrs. Landers type song to anyone who reviews! Here's an excerpt:

Gay is when you're happy, and happiness is sweet

And Johnny's really happy when he's beating off his

Meet your friend Nikkita, she really is a sap

But you'll come to appreciate her when she's sitting on your

Laps around the water will keep you very thin

But don't get any other liquids dripping down your

Chin –

And I'm not going to tell you the rest. It's really, REALLY long...anyway, if any of you want it I can send it to you, but you have to tell me in a REVIEW.

I doubt anyone will want it, but it really is funny if you sing it out loud lol. Uh...review?


	4. Can I Say Sorry a Little More, Damien?

A/N: I feel special! I actually have gotten 8 whole reviews! That means about 2 and 2/3 reviews each chapter! Wow, I'm getting fractions lol. And yes, I am aware that 8 reviews isn't very much and I wish more people would review, but oh well.

Warning: I wrote it.

Disclaimer: Yes, I own South Park. I also own Hollister, Panasonic, and Wisconsin! Don't believe me? Go to Wisconsin and find out yourself!

Oh, and I incorporated your idea in here, Society's Cavity! I hope you don't mind lol.

**Chapter 4 – Can I say sorry a little more, Damien?**

The next two weeks of Pip's life were the best two weeks Pip had ever experienced. Pip had never known just how cool it was to have a friend! Lunch hour passed by quickly and painlessly, since with Damien around, no one dared to come near them. During his one class with Damien, the teacher let them sit by each other (after Damien and Bebe got into a heated argument during the middle of class, of course). Damien actually seemed to enjoy Pip's company quite a bit. And Pip now had somebody who he could complain about Mr. Withers to.

Pip just hoped his new friend never asked to come over to his house.

"Pip-squeak," Damien said while patting Pip's shoulder. "We're going to the movies after school today. I want to see that new Heaven vs. Hell movie."

"It kind of seems like you'd want to see that," Pip said while cracking a grin. Damien just made a 'blergh' noise in the back of his throat.

"Jesus isn't really so bad, actually. It's his daughter I don't like."

"Daughter?"

"Er...never mind. Anyway, you're meeting up with me out by the...statue thingy in the front right after school, okay?"

Pip nodded and jacked one of Damien's pretzels. "Okay, Master. I'll do everything you say, without question, even if I have other plans."

"You have plans?"

"No...but what if I did?"

"Then you would've ditched to see the movie with me," Damien answered simply.

Pip nodded slightly. "Well, okay." Pip stole another pretzel and laughed when Damien made an exasperated noise in the back of his throat.

"Goddammit Pip eat your own food!"

"But I like pretzels..." Pip said with an innocent angelic expression on his face.

This didn't faze Damien, who grabbed the snack from Pip's hand before he put it on his tongue. "Didn't your parents ever teach you that it's wrong to steal?" Damien said with a hearty grin lighting up his normally dark face.

Pip's good mood, however, instantly evaporated. "Well...both my parents died when I was very young..."

"Oh." Damien didn't make any smart-ass comments about it like Pip had expected. He merely gave Pip the entire bag of pretzels as consolation.

"Er...thanks?" Pip had grown slightly accustomed to Damien giving him some of his food when he was penniless, but Damien had just said a second ago for Pip to eat his own food. Pip smiled, albeit a very small and slightly sad smile, at the odd way of Damien trying to comfort him. "I really mean it. Thank you very much."

"Whatever. Pretzels make my throat dry..." Damien muttered. "And you have to pay me back later."

"Er...I don't really have much money," Pip said uneasily.

"I meant more along the lines of you, me, empty bathroom, if you catch my drift," Damien said with a sly grin. Pip blushed all the way to the tips of his ears.

"W-What? You don't mean...?" Pip's expression was one to die for, a mixture of confusion, fear, disgust, horror, and embarrassment. His eye were wide, his lips were pursed together tightly (as if to ward of "enemies" of some sort...), his nostrils were flaring, and he was redder than a firetruck.

"Eh, I don't like Frenchies blowing me anyway," said Damien.

"I'm not French," Pip sighed half-heartedly, the phrase being more of a habit than him taking actual offense.

"I'm completely aware of that," Damien responded casually, taking a generous bite of his liverwurst sandwich.

"What's that s'posed to mean...?"

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"PIP!" The one and only Mr. Withers was the one doing the yelling. "This is the 98th time you have been in the office this year! Tell me what happened, and you better not lie you stupid French brat!"

Pip sighed and looked down at his lap. For once, he actually HAD been doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. "Well...me and Damien were talking while Mrs. Joy was taking roll call..."

"What do you think gives you the right to talk while your teacher is talking? Did you think what you had to say was more important than Mrs. Joy knowing if everyone was there? Well?"

"No...I don't sir..."

Mr. Withers sighed and slumped down in his leather chair. "Pip, I have had it with you. I can't suspend you for talking out of turn, but I sure as hell can give you a detention for it! You have after-school detention for the rest of the week. Do I make myself clear?"

"Um...may I please not go to detention today?"

"No! You will go to detention and you damn well better learn from it!"

Pip felt a shiver go down his spine. "Mr. Withers, I have plans today! It's extremely important!" Pip could already see Damien's angry face in his brain. "Please, just for today!"

"No Pip. You should've thought about the consequences before talking out of turn. And anyway, what plans do YOU have that could be that important?" Mr. Withers said with an evil, amused grin on his face. Pip bowed his head in defeat. "Now, run along to your...last class. 6th period is over in about three minutes, so don't bother going back there."

"Yes Mr. Withers..."

Pip thought about skipping detention to go see the movie with Damien. But, Pip knew he could get suspended for that. Pip didn't know what he would do if he had no school to go to all day for a week. "Damien is going to be awful mad at me..." Pip felt his eyes tear up slightly. "What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore?" Pip smashed his knuckles together in a manner his old acquaintance Butters used to do constantly. "Oh...I wish that this school wouldn't get me in trouble so often..."

Today, detention was fairly light. Besides Mrs. Tyrese, only one other person was there. It was someone Pip had never really talked to much, Clyde Donovan. Pip sat on the opposite side of the room and patiently waited for the end of detention while figuring out different ways of apologizing to Damien. Would a mere grovel work? Pip wondered. 'No, that's not enough...I'll just tell him I'll do anything he wants me to if he forgives me! Except, I'd already do that. Oh...there's no way to make this work is there? Do you hate me God?'

"Detention is now dismissed," Mrs. Tyrese said monotonously at 3:30, flipping through her Readers Digest. Pip didn't even bother to pack up quickly. There was no possible way that Damien would still be waiting for him at the statue thing in front of the school. Pip shouldered his backpack and walked out of the door.

Pip is not right all that often though. I mean, he can't be correct if he's constantly telling everyone he's not French!

When Pip exited the door at the front of the school building, he was greatly surprised that Damien was leaning against the statue, looking bored. Pip all but ran to him. "Damien!"

"Finally! Stupid brat, I've been waiting here since school got out!"

Pip bit his lip and rubbed the back of his head. "I'm terribly sorry...I got detention...oh gosh, I'm sorry...we probably already missed the movie and..." Pip stared at the ground. "Are we still friends?" Pip cursed himself the minute the words left his mouth. 'That's the STUPIDEST thing you could have said, smart one!' Pip said to himself. 'He's got to think I'm a complete retard now...'

"What, you actually got after-school detention for talking to me during class?" Damien said with a laugh.

"Yes...I didn't mean to...I'm sorry...you should've just left..." Pip muttered bitterly. 'I don't deserve to be waited for...'

"Well, actually...I haven't been waiting here since school got out. I went home when you didn't show up for five minutes. My dad and his boyfriend were just being...extremely mushy and crap, and I had to get out of the house." Damien shuddered. "I knew you didn't actually ditch me. I figured you must have gotten in trouble or something, so I came back here and waited. Of course, now I'm cold. This is all your fault!"

Pip continued to stare at the ground. "I'm very sorry...I...I understand if you don't want to hang out with me anymore..." Pip's left hand grasped his right forearm and he shook very slightly. Pip had lived his whole life without a friend. But now that he was so close to losing his only friend, Pip didn't think he could handle it. His right hand made a fist, and his nails (his very feminine nails) dug into his palm.

"Jesus Pip, get over yourself! I don't really care. You just have to buy me a very expensive jacket now, because I'm cold."

Pip looked up at Damien, his mind torn between relief and utter despair. "B-But...I don't have money..."

"So go whore yourself out to those pedophiles in Middle Park," Damien said with a casual wave of his hand towards the general direction of Middle Park. "They'll probably think you're a girl, heh heh..."

"You're not serious, I can't..." Pip wasn't sure whether Damien was being serious or not. He shook his head wildly. "I won't do that!"

"Well, I guess you're just out of luck..."

The corners of Pip's mouth turned down and his eyes widened. "You mean...w-we're not friends anymore? Because I can't...I can't buy you a j-jacket?" Pip felt his lower lip quivering.

Damien literally smacked himself over the head, then smacked Pip. "Idiot! I said I didn't care! You know I'm joking! You're such a wuss, Pip. C'mon, there's a showing of the movie at 4:10, we can make it to that one. Do you have any money?"

Pip shook his head, still slightly shocked at Damien's outburst.

"Here, take some cash. I'm not paying for you at the box office or it will look like we're on a date!" Damien said while thrusting some cash into Pip's hand.

Pip hastily shook his head yes. "Yeah, that would be...horrible...er...um...not that I think it would be horrible to date you if you were a girl – er, if I was a girl...er...I mean..." Pip decided to shut up before he made a downright fool of himself. "I'm shutting up now..."

"That's a good dog," Damien said while patting Pip on the head.

"I'm not French – er, I mean, I'm not a dog," Pip said. He was so conditioned to saying he wasn't French it just popped out. When Damien started laughing, Pip flushed in embarrassment. "Why are you laughing at me?"

"Dude, you just made a joke, that's all," Damien said, his laughter subsiding.

"I did?"

"Yes!"

Pip couldn't help the grin that popped up on his face. "Wow...I made a joke...by accident"

"Ha, I should've video-taped it; it will probably never happen again."

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Well...this is probably the last you're gonna hear of this story until July 24th, at the earliest, because I am going on vacation! To Corolla, North Carolina! I'm leaving this Saturday (at 4 in the morning) and I'm not coming back until the 22nd or the 23rd. Don't expect any chapters; I'm taking my laptop but I probably won't post anything because I'm probably not going to write anything. I'm hiding my folder somewhere so neither of my brothers accidentally stumble across any of my crazy messed up writing lol. Anyway, since everyone who reviewed (even though there's only about 8...) actually liked this story, I am officially apologizing. Normally I'm a quick updater, but I probably won't be updating until late July. So, sorry!


	5. I'm leavingI'm sorry

This is not a chapter. I'm sorry. This is just an Author's Note. I am writing this to tell all you guys that I am taking a break from I know it sounds stupid to you, but...I feel slightly held back by fanfiction sometimes. I'm sobusy imagining other people's lives and living in a fantasy world that I forget about my real life. There are some things that I've realized are extremely important for me, like my nutrition and exercise, and my knowledge of the world around me. I'm usually so caught up in writing about people who aren't even real people that I sometimes like their lives better than my own. So, instead of trying to better my own life, I would open up the cover of my laptop and read a happy story about someone else and pretend thatI was that lucky and happy. So, I'm taking a break from doing that and for about a month, at the least, I am going to focus solely on reality. I may come back. Or I may decide my life is better when I'm NOT on constantly, every single day of my life. If I don't come back, anybody who actually likes my stories is a bit out of luck. I am mostly sorry to Society's Cavity, who really likes this story and has reviewed every chapter. All your reviews made me feel good lol. To everyone who has ever reviewed, thanks a lot. Again, I am sorry that this story might never be continued. I'm not particularly sad, but I know whenever I read a story that someone just left hanging and wouldn't update that I got pissed off, so I'm guessing you guys are going to be pissed at me. It's just...I really feel that my life will improve greatly if I take a break from all fanfiction, everywhere on the net. Please understand that I have become incredibly conscientious about my body (which needs work), my acne (which needs A LOT of work), my friends (who I need to hang out with more), and my family (who I got to see for a week and won't see again for a LONG time). So, that's that. I'm going to post this and then I am not coming back to for a long time. :D Have a nice day lol.


	6. A Splendid Firework

Well...hello all. squeals I was – and still am – trying to break my unhealthy addiction to fanfiction dot net. Lol. But, I couldn't help but read my reviews again, for no reason other than I couldn't remember them all. And...well, the reviews from Society's Cavity and AthEnA1999 made me feel...good and bad at the same time. They made me feel good that I am so loved, but bad that I am depriving you guys of what is apparently one of your favorite stories. And, well, I admit that this story is intensely fun to write and I think I might finish this and THEN try and continue to break my addiction. Lol. Anyways...sorry to keep you waiting so long, since it's been since late June since I've given you an actual chapter. laughs hesitantly If any of you guys are still following this story, then thank you very much!

Disclaimer: Yeah I like totally own South Park, like I so totally own Wings, Applebee's, and your mom. Yeah, she's in my top 8 on Myspace.

P.S. I don't know if Paris Hilton's favorite limousine is pink or not. But it might be. In fact, it probably is if she has a pink one.

**Chapter 5 – A Splendid Firework**

"So, are we walking?" Pip asked Damien, who had begun to walk away from the statue.

"No, we're taking Paris Hilton's favorite limousine. It's bright pink and has PLENTY of space in it so her "friends" have room while they fuck her. Oh, and you're going in the trunk. You'll fit, I'm sure, but we can always cut off your legs if you don't..." Damien looked thoughtful for a second, apparently pondering this new idea.

Pip gave a small sigh. "I take that as a yes, we are walking." Pip ran up next to Damien, who had a very fast pace since he had such long legs. "You walk fast!"

"No, you're just slow."

Pip accepted it, instead of fighting back. "Um...okay, I'm slow, will you please wait for me?" Pip said to Damien's ever-shrinking back. Damien came to a dead stop and Pip heard him sigh. When Pip caught up with him ten seconds later, Damien asked, "Could you walk ANY slower?"

"I could, but I don't really want to..."

"What do you want, a piggy-back ride?" Damien snapped.

"No..." Pip practically ran when Damien started up again. "I'm sorry, but I am extremely scrawny and cannot walk much quicker, but I can try to run!"

"Then do that," Damien said nonchalantly. Pip spent the next five minutes half-running, half-skipping to keep up with Damien. Pip realized during that time that Damien really DID have extremely long legs and was very tall. Pip felt smaller than he normally felt when he was walking/running/skipping next to Damien.

Pip was in the middle of executing a complicated skip/gallop/trot when his arm was grabbed by someone behind him. Pip twisted around and came face-to-face with a fat older man with a grin lighting up his face. "Kevin!" The man then proceeded to wrap Pip in a bear hug. "Kevin, it's been SO long! I can't believe it's you! I thought you were in the army?"

Pip was squashed too far into the man's torso to respond that he wasn't the Kevin that this man seemed to think he was.

"Fag, get off him. He's not Kevin, your boyfriend," came the voice of the ever-polite Damien. The old man loosened his grip and let Pip go. He then studied Pip's features and his glad expression faded into a sad frown.

"Oh...you're not Kevin! Jesus, I am SO sorry! I thought you were my son!" Pip didn't think he bore any resemblance to the old man, so he probably didn't bear any resemblance to his son.

"Oh, it's alright sir...I'm sorry for the rudeness of my friend," Pip said with a gesture to Damien. "He's just..." Pip sought his mind for the right word to describe Damien. "He's just rude," Pip finally came up with lamely.

The man laughed. "You sure have a way with words, young man. I hope you have a fantastic night! I''m sure I'll see my Kal-er, Kevin soon!" The fat man gave Pip a small clap on the shoulder and walked off in the other direction. Pip smiled.

"He was very kind," Pip deduced. "I haven't seen him around before though. Oh well, let's continue onward to the show!"

Damien looked slightly nauseous. "Er...I think I'm going to puke..."

"Are you quite alright?"

"I will be...I just need a favor..." Damien breathed out in a whisper. Pip was somewhat worried, since Damien had been fine a few seconds ago.

"What do you need?"

"I need you to SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING IN THAT DAMN BRITISH ACCENT!" Damien yelled, not appearing to be actually ill at all.

Pip bit his lip. "I'm terribly sorry but there isn't anything I can do about my British accent..."

"Then be quiet, you sound like a pompous brat," Damien said while making a puking hand motion.

"But you know I am certainly not a pompous brat..."

Damien heaved a huge, irritated sigh. "Pip, could you please just be quiet for five minutes?" He sounded quite exasperated.

"Er...right-o..." Pip said and proceeded to keep his mouth zipped tightly until they got to the theatre.

"Pip, what are you doing?" Damien asked as they arrived.

Pip had stopped walking completely and was staring longingly at the theatre. "Well I just...wait...I am going in..." Pip laughed nervously. "Normally I can't go in so...well...I can't remember the last time I saw a real movie, if I ever have..."

Damien laughed a bit. "Man, you're deprived!" He slapped Pip on the back in an encouraging yet very painful manner and started walking up to the box office. "One ticket to "From the Gates of Hell"," he muttered to the ticket dude.

"$6.50," Ticket dude replied monotonously.

"Man, movies suck," Damien muttered. Pip then walked up to Ticket dude and asked the same question.

"$6.50," Ticket dude replied in the same fashion as before.

"Right-o, kind sir!" Pip said exuberantly as he dug around in his pocket for one of the ten dollar bills Damien had supplied him with. "Just a second..." Pip tried all his other pockets but it was to no avail. There was no cash. "Erm...I...my money just..."

"Save it for the court," Ticket dude said wearily. "No money, no ticket. Get out of here."

"But I could swear it's here!" Pip said with a sad whine in his voice as he searched his pockets again.

"Get out of here, dumb brat!"

Pip hung his head and walked away from the box office to Damien.

"Where's your ticket?"

"Well, you see, the thing is...I had the money, I'm certain of it...but it wasn't..."

Damien growled in such a way that Pip cringed. Pip just knew Damien was gonna get pissed, very pissed. Pip feared for his life.

"That damn army man's father! He pick-pocketed you! Oh, that damn man is gonna get it if I ever see him again! That was MY twenty bucks! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you with it, something just had to happen to it!"

"I'm sorry..." Pip muttered, staring intently to the ground. "Just go and enjoy the movie without me..."

Pip actually heard Damien roll his eyes. "Pip, stop it." He sighed. "It was only twenty bucks...I mean, I can always whore you out and make twice, if not three times as much money. Or four times, you know, cuz you're so cute." Damien thrust ten more dollars into Pip's hands. "Go and buy a ticket, NOW."

Pip scurried back to the box office and hurriedly bought a ticket. "Here's your change," he mumbled embarrassedly as he handed Damien tree-fiddy. Damien smirked and led the way to theatre number 7 with a confident swagger that made Pip so jealous. Pip had always wanted to be like that, but he knew he'd get sent to the office or beaten up or something if he even attempted to try.

When they got in, Damien immediately said, "We have to sit in front! It hurts your eyes the most, it's the best!" Damien had a boyish grin lighting up his face and Pip couldn't help but return the grin whole-heartedly.

Damien immediately chose the absolute middle seat, and Pip was left to wonder, how did he sit? All the chairs seemed to be...flat.

"What, are you planning to sit on the floor?" Damien said. Pip was about to reply when Damien gasped and stood up loudly. "We forgot to get SNACKS!" Damien dragged Pip most painfully to the concession stand and ordered an X-tra large bucket of popcorn and the largest size Pepsi available for both of them. He then buttered the bucket so much that the sides were slightly soggy. He laughed a bit evilly and then made his way back to the theatre, Pip struggling to hold both of the large sodas.

"Dammit, we didn't get straws! Pip, you idiot!" Damien said and mock-glared at Pip once he had sat down and Pip was left standing up, not knowing what to do.

"Er...shall I go get some?"

"Nah, I'll just make one of your larger veins into a straw," Damien replied sarcastically. Pip ran back to the main lobby.

When he'd returned, it was in the middle of a preview for some movie Pip really had no desire to even know about. He handed Damien a straw and then awkwardly sat on the floor.

"Pip, what are you doing?" Damien asked, not bothering to keep quiet.

"I'm...a..."

"You're...a...dumb-ass!" Damien muttered. "Get on the chair, faggot..."

Pip squeaked a little and stood up. "Erm...how do I..."

Damien held the folded chair seat down so that Pip could sit. Pip sat, still feeling awkward as hell.

"Here, take your dumb soda," Damien said nonchalantly and handed him the gigantic container. The cup was so large that Pip's hands didn't fit all the way around it. Pip noted that Damien's hands did fit all the way...Pip set the drink off to the side and sighed. He really didn't like soda much. It made his nose burn.

As soon as the movie started, Pip wished he'd never came. It was a gory blood-fest of demons escaping hell and killing everyone on Earth, and then moving to take over heaven. And, of course, there'd been a love story mixed in between St. Paul and a demon named Corinthiana. Corinthiana wasn't evil, apparently. And those scenes were all heavy make-out sessions and sex scenes.

But, it wasn't the worst thing he'd seen in his life.

"Man, that was SWEET!" Damien said to the sky and punched the air with his fist as he and Pip were walking away from the theatre. "I expected Heaven to win, actually, but they twisted the story a bit, making it even cooler! And did you see Corinthiana's tits? Man, she's got a nice rack!"

Pip almost gagged.

"What, are you gay?" Damien then gave a small evil giggle. "You are, aren't you?"

Pip narrowed his eyes. "Well, I cannot say I rightfully know, since I have had no experience with the female sex at all..."

Damien laughed loudly to the quiet South Park streets. "You don't have to have experience with a girl to know she's hot, like Corinthiana! Yeah, and the angel who was played by Angelina Jolie was hot too. Angelina Jolie is SMOKING!"

Pip just stared off to the ground on the other side of himself, not really wanting to let Damien know that he had not found Corinthiana OR Gerdenspur attractive in the least.

Before Damien could poke any more fun at Pip's obvious faggot-ness, a voice called from behind them. "Yo, Damien!" Damien and Pip both flipped around and saw the famous South Park gang of four making their way to them.

"Hey Damien! How is your boyfriend?" asked the fat one, Eric Cartman.

"Oh, he's perfectly fine thank you," Damien said with a smile that looked very convincing if it wasn't genuine.

"Hey, Damien, remember when you made Pip into a firework?" Kyle asked curiously.

"Well, I guess so."

"Well we have a proposal for you," Kyle went on. "We think that you'd be cool enough to hang out with us if you did that to Pip again! You know that that would be awesome, just like that movie you just saw!"

All four of the boys in front of Pip were grinning with anticipation. Pip didn't know what else to think but, why not give Damien a chance to be cool again? 'Damien lost his chance to be popular when he started to hang out with me...but maybe, just maybe, he could be cool if he does this!'

"Guys, I don't know..." Damien said with an uncertainty that Pip had never heard. Damien was always sure, always.

"Oh c'mon!"

"Yeah, stop being a wuss!"

Pip stepped up closer to Damien. "Damien...I'm sure you'll make me into a splendid firework..." Pip had reasoned that the only reason that Damien could possibly be uncertain was because he wasn't sure he'd make Pip into a cool enough firework for the boys.

"Goddammit!" Damien punched the closest one of the gang, who coincidentally was Kenny.

"Oh my God you killed Kenny!" yelled Stan.

"You bastard!" Kyle added his famous catch-phrase. "So, are you gonna make Pip into an awesome firework or not?" Kyle continued, as if nothing had happened.

"No! You guys are fucking assholes and I don't even want to be near you! You guys would screw me over and I know it! Pip would never do something like that to me, so I'd never do something like that to him!" Damien grabbed Pip's arm painfully and dragged him off, shouting obscenities at the top of his voice. Pip looked over his shoulder and saw Kyle standing with a wide mouthed look of surprise, Stan looking slightly guilty and Cartman jumping up and down on Kenny to release his anger.

After they had walked for around five minutes – Pip's arm still painfully lodged in Damien's hand – Pip got the courage to speak up. "You shouldn't have done that," he stated in monotone. Damien immediately came to a standstill and let go of Pip, who fell to the ground at the suddenness.

"What, now you're gonna get all ungrateful on me?" Damien yelled. "I saved your sorry ass and all you can say is "you shouldn't have done that"? What the fuck is your problem?"

Pip stood up, but kept his face planted to the ground. "You made everyone mad..."

"So?"

"If you had done it, they'd have been happy to have to epitome of coolness or whatever as their friend and you would be happy because then you would have a lot of friends and be popular and...and...everyone would have been happy and you didn't do it..."

Damien brought his fist down on the top of Pip's head, making him see stars. "GODDAMMIT WHY DON'T YOU GET IT? I DON'T _WANT _FRIENDS!"

Pip clutched his scalp and stepped back a little. "I'm sorry..." Obviously, if Damien didn't want friends then he didn't want Pip to be his friend either. Pip sighed and took another larger step back. "I just...I'll just...I'll go home now..." he whispered out, not trusting himself to not burst into tears. He had thought Damien actually LIKED hanging out with him...while Damien just didn't want friends at all...

"No Pip, that's not what I meant," Damien said with an exasperated sigh. "I do want friends...just not them..."

"Well that's stupid!" Pip blurted out and then covered his mouth, a horrified expression taking over his face.

"How so?"

"Well..." Pip sighed and bit his lip. "They're fun, and they like to do cool things, and they know how to be cool, and they're really nice -"

"Really nice? Are you out of your mind, Pip? They're the epitome of evil! They're like the Yankees!"

Pip shook his head. "Except for Cartman, they're all incredibly nice..." he muttered, and then added, "Except to me. Because I suck, you know?"

Damien frowned a little. "Pip, you're insane, you know that?" Damien just shook his head. "Look, buddy, wanna hang out at my house for a while?"

Pip thought hard, but then came to the conclusion that he had no money to do that. "I'm sorry, I really don't have any money to pay you so..."

"Huh? We weren't talking about money..." Damien said confusedly.

"Well...all the other boys have me pay if I want to come over...and the only money I have is at...home...and it's for my lunches..." Pip trailed off, very much wishing that he could be normal enough that he didn't have to pay to go to someone's house. Especially since he really wished he could hang out with Damien, since he had never before.

"Pip, you're demented! Why would you have to pay?"

"Well, since I have no coolness to speak of, I need to pay to make up for it," Pip replied, wondering why Damien didn't realize that. It had always been perfectly obvious and understandable to Pip.

Damien smirked. "Wanna pay me in a different way?" Damien seemed to make the perverted undertone in his voice completely obvious.

"Well...I don't..." Pip trailed off and stared intently at the ground, an embarrassed flush covering his face.

"Make dinner for me and my family," Damien said, catching Pip off-guard who had thought Damien was going to suggest something highly inappropriate.

"Er...um...I'm not very good at cooking," Pip muttered honestly, certain he wasn't going to be allowed over now.

"You couldn't be worse than my dad. For someone who's so accustomed to heat, he can't work an oven for shit!" Damien said with a laugh as he dragged Pip into the direction that had to be his house.

When they got there, Pip thought he might die.

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Er...I know I haven't updated in a real long time... sheepish grin And I know that you're all probably very irritated with me for that. Lol. Sorry. I realized I really do have a fun time writing this story and I felt like continuing it. Er...um...sorry that I had to stop for my own personal life. When you're an author, you're not really supposed to do that, even when you want to. I'm sorry. I truly am. I hope that people still want to read this...and possibly review for it...;)


	7. You Have A Girlfriend?

Hi...I was wondering, does anyone else have their own special font that they always use when they're writing? Mine is Tahoma...it is the coolest font. I never use anything else, it bugs me to do that. Tahoma is MY font. Yes, I am aware that no one cares.

**Sorry this took so long. I deleted the whole chapter after I wrote half of it and restarted it because it sucked. I had major writers block and couldn't figure out just what I wanted to type. This is kind of a...filler chapter, so to say. I'm sorry. So, it sucks, it's short, I feel like crap and yeah. Sorry. AND I am in High School now. Yeah, I know that's no excuse.**

Disclaimer: Yep yep! South Park is mine, just like Duracell, Texas Instruments and the number 16. _-_shifty eyes-

**Chapter 6 - You Have A Girlfriend??**

Pip stared uncertainly at the front of the house. It was nothing about the house that made Pip fear for his life - the house itself was pretty normal looking, actually - but the fear of not being a good cook for Damien was overwhelming him. He was so certain that Damien would kick him out...they would never be friends again...Pip shivered at the thought. Maybe he would get lucky?

Ha ha. Pip knew that he just didn't get lucky.

"Pip you're looking a bit...creeped out..." Damien ventured.

"Er, I'm fine," Pip muttered. Damien shrugged and led the way to the front door. Pip felt himself shrink with every step he took; he wasn't good enough to set foot in a place like this.

"It's...kinda boring," Damien admitted with a sheepish grin. "But hey, who cares I guess."

"Who exactly do you live with?" Pip asked, thinking if he knew how many people he had to cook for then he might be slightly less anxious.

"Just me, my dad and his boyfriend," Damien replied while hanging up his jacket. "John is quite...eccentric. But don't mind him, he's pretty cool. Makes great music," Damien said and then started chuckling at some joke that Pip didn't seem to get.

"Great..." Pip felt a bit awkward, since he had no coat to hang up. He stood around awkwardly until Damien was finished.

"Hey, you wanna see my pet? It's evil."

Pip nodded a bit nervously. Damien then led Pip up to his room; Damien was obviously very excited to show someone his pet. Pip didn't know what he'd expected, but it certainly wasn't what he found.

"Is that a...pure black duck?"

Damien nodded proudly. "His name is Quaff. He's a pretty evil little guy." Damien made to open the ebony duck's cage, but Pip instantly shoved Damien's hand away from the glass.

"Don't take him out!" Pip shivered. Quaff had RED EYES and was staring Pip down quite evilly. Pip looked at the ground, wondering what he'd done to make the duck so angry.

"Oh, he just looks like that. He's not really glaring at you, don't worry."

Pip just shook his head. "Um...so is this your room?"

Damien rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yep, home sweet home." Pip didn't really like Damien's room much. It was pretty dark and...freaky. There was a stain that looked like blood on the eastern wall, and all the walls besides that were black. His bed covers were black with silver spider webs. His carpet was a plaid print, and his dresser was...you guessed it. Black.

"Ha ha, are you scared of my room?" Damien asked with a taunting chuckle. Pip just shrugged.

"Uh...well..."

Damien just shrugged. "Ha, I expected that. You're too...happy? I dunno the word for it."

Pip scoffed. He was the last person he'd ever peg for being happy. "Well, I guess if that's what you want to call it. Um...when do you want dinner?" Pip couldn't help asking; it was all that had been on his mind since Damien had said it.

Damien narrowed his eyes curiously at Pip. "Well, I was kidding...but if you'd like to, you can, I guess?"

"Um...uh...I don't care...?"

Damien's countenance brightened immediately. "You should! My dad would love it! He enjoys home-cooked meals to an extreme extent, believe me."

Pip just nodded and muttered unintelligible things under his breath. "Sure, I can start now, I guess...what should I make??"

"Surprise us?" Damien asked, with a somewhat hopeful/curious/scared tone to his voice. Pip looked at the ground, smiling. At least he couldn't get mad at him for making the wrong dinner. Damien had told him to make ANYTHING!

So, Damien directed Pip to the kitchen, and then left him. Pip stared at the large kitchen in awe. It was bigger than his whole house.

"Hmm...um..." Pip didn't really use the oven on a regular basis...or a microwave...or a blender...or a food processor...or any other high-tech kitchen appliances. He didn't even know where to begin with the coffee maker. He tentatively opened a cupboard and started pulling out random ingredients.

He decided he'd make a Ramen chef-d'oeuvre of some sort and hope that they thought that it was better than it really was. Pip had made Ramen before, at least three times. Was it three minutes? Or six...hmm...

He had finally gotten the whole Ramen thing down, had made about six packets of it, and was just about ready to put in a seventh. "Hmm...I'll use oriental flavor this time, I think," he decided.

"Who the hell are you?"

Pip jumped just about three feet in the air, very narrowly managing to catch the packet of Ramen before it dropped to the ground. He spun around faster than a jack-rabbit on a burning griddle in Africa in August - er, you get the point.

Damien had told Pip that he only lived with his dad and his dad's boyfriend. But there was a GIRL staring at Pip! A beautiful, brunnette girl with hair falling down to her waist. There was absolutely no way that anyone could mistake her for a guy. And there was no way that Damien could have FORGOTTEN that she lived there! So, Pip reasoned that she didn't live there. So who was she?

"Uhm...I-I'm Pip!" Pip said finally, shaking his head of his thoughts. "I'm a friend of Damien!"

The girl started to laugh. Not just a chuckle, but an all-out, loud, bend yourself over in half, hold onto your stomach so it doesn't fall out laugh. "Oh my...oh my..." she seemed to be having trouble breathing, and couldn't get out the words that she wanted to get out. "Ok...I'm good...did you say **friend** of Damien?" she asked, clearly not believing him.

"Yeah! Uhm...well, I..." Pip just shrugged. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Okay, this is not POSSIBLE. How did **_Damien _**become friends with **_you?_**"

Pip shrugged again. "I don't know...may I ask who you are?"

She laughed. "Oh, I didn't even tell you my name! Sorry," she said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "I'm Sarah. I'm Damien's **girlfriend**."

Pip refused to acknowledge the icy cold feeling - was that jealousy? - that seeped through his veins.

"You are not, you stinking liar!" came Damien's voice as he stepped into the kitchen. "We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend!" Damien walked over to where Pip was, muttering death threats the whole time. "Hey, nice Ramen thing," he said sarcastically, motioning towards Pip's Ramen chef-d'oeuvre. It was a LOT of Ramen, piled all over the place, with many a toppings, such as cheese, garlic, and pepperoni.

"Er...uhm...I've never made this before," Pip muttered.

"I noticed," Damien said. He had seemed to have forgotten that Sarah was in the room.

"Hello? I'm over here, Damien," Sarah said in a snooty voice. She could be like that.

"Hello? I don't care," Damien replied. "Pip, you should throw that away. I think we'll just order Chinese tonight."

* * *

Sarah decided that she needed to stay and eat dinner with everyone (A.K.A. with Damien). She sat close to him, grabbed the same food as him, and clung to him throughout the whole meal. Pip again refused to believe that he was actually, possibly, very likely jealous of this girl.

Damien's father, as Pip had known, was very literally Satan. He was a large man (was he a man?), 7 1/2 feet tall at the least, 14 pack, and the kindest disposition that Pip had ever met.

"Pip? Yes, you sweetie. Could you pass the egg rolls? Thank you dear!"

Yes, that was Satan talking.

Satan's boyfriend, on the other hand, was nothing like Satan, in his appearance and in his demeanor. He was 5' 11", had a 1.5 pack, and was a bit of a snob.

"Damien, pass the soy sauce, you dumb brat!"

Yes, that was John talking.

Pip tried not to take too much food, seeing as he didn't help pay for even a cent of it. But Damien, who was sitting right by him, kept piling mounds of egg rolls and rice and chow mein onto his plate. Pip couldn't say he wasn't grateful, though. This was probably the best meal he had ever eaten, just about ever!

Pip found that he liked Damien's "family" a lot. They really did seem like they loved each other, even if some people (cough cough JOHN cough cough) were kind of snobbish. Pip didn't even have to worry about them not liking him, because he could see that they didn't really mind him one way or the other. Except for maybe Sarah. Sarah seemed to have an extreme dislike of him. But she wasn't really part of Damien's family...Pip wouldn't ever have to see her again...

Speak of the Devil. Well, not really the Devil, since he's over across the table. Speak of the Sarah! "Damien? Did you hear what my dad was talking about doing?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah? Did you hear that I don't care?"

Sarah plundered on, unfazed. "He was thinking about moving in with you and Satan! And John, of course. He is starting to dislike our house, and thinks he and Mary are good enough friends with you guys to move in!"

This had Satan's attention. "J wants to move in? That would be super! We have like 20 guest bedrooms, oh that would be grand! And that would mean you would move in too, Sarah!"

Pip, not for the first time that night, felt like his blood had frozen over, and wanted to run to his box and hide.

"What? Dad no! I hate Sarah!"

"Oh nonsense! Sarah and you are just too cute!"

Damien glared heavily at his father. "Dad..."

"Son, you know it would be all the better! It would make...stuff...easier, and stuff!"

Sarah giggled, latching herself onto Damien's arm. "This is so cool! It'll probably happen sometime next week, Dad was thinking. Oh this is so cool! I'm going to get to see you every day! EVERY day! Like, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thurs-"

Damien cut her off. "Dad, this isn't fair! Jesus doesn't have to live here to make things easier!"

"Wait a second...Jesus?" Pip had been quietly watching the conversation, but had felt the need to jump in when he heard something about JESUS moving in. Everyone stared at him and he shrunk in his seat, somewhat embarrassed. "Er...well...you're talking about Jesus moving in...and I'm confused..."

Sarah piped up, ready to answer Pip's question. "Jesus is my dad! I'm his illegitimate child, Sarah! They talked about me in that one book...you know, the one about the artist? And him having some sort of code?"

"The Da Vinci Code," Damien supplied.

"Yeah! That one!"

Pip soaked up the information like a Bounty paper towel. "Uhm...wow..."

Satan laughed. "I'm sorry Pip! We're somewhat of a messed up family!"

"Jesus is your friend? I mean, you're Satan..."

Satan grinned. "Me and Jesus have had our rough patches...hell, I made him starve himself one time...I told him he was too fat for the robe he was wearing...so he 'fasted' for God knows how long..." Satan chuckled embarrassedly. "But anyways, that's beside the point. Besides John here," Satan ruffled John's hair lovingly, "Jesus is my super best friend!"

Pip stared. He stared a little more. And then he fainted.

* * *

Hi...

I know Satan being friends with Jesus is quite an odd concept.

If that offends any of you religion fanatics out there, I am so very sorry. Well, I'm not really. If you want to flame me about it, go ahead. But don't read anymore if you don't want to. If it bothers you, I would stop reading RIGHT NOW.

I am only thinking of your good will. That's how nice of a person I am.

SFWJFX

I dare you to try and figure out THAT code.


	8. Let's Walk

Yo.  
I'm finally updating.  
Well, I actually just updated a little while ago...  
Haha!  
So, I'm actually updating soon!  
Isn't this cool?

By the way...  
I felt a bit angsty.  
So...  
There are some funny parts.  
But there are A LOT of angsty/fluffy parts.  
I felt like giving Damien a heart.  
And there is a lot of dialogue.  
Please don't shoot me!

(Haha...you know what is funny? Spelling "fluffy" with an "L". "fluffly". Dude. Fluffly should be my new word!)

**_Disclaimer_**: I own South Park. I also own Post-It Notes, Rubbermaid, and Eminem. Heehee smack that. (Also...I shall give a reward of some sort to anyone who can cite how many times the word "smack", in any form whatsoever, was used in this chapter besides the two times I've used it so far...haha )

**Chapter 7 - Let's Walk**

Pip didn't know where he was when he came to. All he knew was that he was really warm, and laying on something soft. It kind of felt like he was laying on a very large pillow or something...

He sat up, though it was difficult since whatever he was on was very bouncy. Wherever he was, it was dark, and he couldn't tell if he was in a room or if he was outside in the middle of nowhere! He knew he wasn't where he lived, because it was much too comfortable. He felt himself sink into the softness and he made a noise that was obviously one of pleasurable delight.

"Pip? Are you awake?" a familiar voice asked. Almost immediately after, a light was flipped on and Pip had to close his eyes, for they were sensitive to the light. Pip covered his eyes and moaned in agony. Damien laughed at him, not offering a word of comfort.

"W-where am I?" Pip asked.

"If you weren't such a wuss, you would open your eyes and see that we're in my room," Damien replied, and Pip could even hear the smile in his voice. He cautiously opened his eyes and Damien's dark figure came into focus. He sat up on the comfortable object, and stared at his only friend smirk at him.

"Uhm...what am I on?"

"Uhm...probably crack," Damien mused. "...hmm..."

"No!" Pip protested. "I meant, what am I laying on??"

"My bed...dipshit."

Ah. So this was what a bed felt like.

"Why am I here?" The last thing Pip remembered was eating Chinese food and listening to Sarah flirt endlessly with the dark son of Satan. "D-Did you drug me??" Pip let himself fall back on the squishy bed and covered his mouth, smacking himself mentally. Oh, what a stupid thing to say! He really did suck, didn't he?

"Yes Pip. I drugged you. It's been my plan all along, really, you know that? I never wanted to be friends with you, I just wanted to drug you. And after drugging you, I planned to drop you into a ditch. Whoops, looks like you foiled my plan. Darn! Why did you wake up? I think I'll have to drug you more now."

Pip actually giggled a little bit. He could easily hear the sarcasm in Damien's voice, and knew that what Damien had just said was quite obviously not true, and kind of obnoxious... "Sorry, that was a stupid idea. Seriously though, why am I here?"

"You fainted, dumbass. After my dad explained to you that he was best friends with Jesus, you just kind of...dropped. Right into your soup, by the way." Damien laughed, like it had been a most delightful experience.

"Oh...okay...I'll go now, don't worry!" Pip stood up, caught his balance, and then headed for the door. Quaff, the evil red-eyed duck, was staring at him evilly.

"Dude, it's like 11:30. Why don't you just stay here?"

"Tomorrow we have school..."

"So? We go to the same school..." Damien shrugged. "But whatever, if you want to go wander the dark streets of South Park to get to your house at 11:30 at night, it's no skin off my nose."

Pip squirmed uncomfortably. "Uh...I mean, I don't have to stay, I really have no money, so...right."

Damien rolled his eyes, and wrapped his arm around Pip's shoulder. "Pip...Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip...don't you get it? I don't want _money _from you..."

Pip just smacked Damien's arm off. "Stop it...I guess I'm sleeping on the floor?"

"DING DING DING! We have a winner! How does it feel to be a winner, Pip?"

Pip shrugged. "Uhm...well...uh...we should go to sleep now..."

"You can't seriously say that you want to sleep after you've been sleeping for like 5 1/2 hours, can you?"

"Well, I'll do whatever you want to do," Pip said. "I mean, you've been awake for a long time, and need some sleep too..."

Damien just laughed, raising his eyebrows at Pip's first statement, but just shook his head instead of making a witty comeback. "You seriously think I'd go to bed this early? I stay up 'til 4 on early nights. You have much to learn, young padawan."

* * *

Damien and Pip had been awake until around three, until Pip passed out yet again, right into a bowl of Cheetos. When Pip woke up for school, he was not in a school mood at all. He was tired, grumpy, and wanted to just stay at Damien's house forever.

And of course, when he said that to himself, he smacked himself. He couldn't be thinking things like that!

"Pip-squeak, you don't look so good," Damien said, walking back into the room from having a shower. He was clad only in a fluffy yellow towel. Pip pretended not to notice his utter nakedness. "You've got a little orange on your face...I think it's from the Cheetos."

Pip rubbed his cheek, but of course, as always when you can't see your own face, you can't wipe in the right place.

"No, a little to the right...no, your other right! Up...no, not that high...oh fuck this," Damien grumbled, and walked up to Pip and rubbed the orange off for him. Pip wouldn't have pegged Damien to have soft fingers, but holy fuck he had soft fingers! Damien's hands were like pillows, padded and feathery, but firm in a soft way. Pip knew he wasn't making any sense...but it's not like he didn't have an excuse! Damien had just _rubbed his face _with those exotically soft fingers of his. Pip squeaked and turned around. He could feel his face heating up in embarrassment.

"Ooh...did that turn you on Pip?" Damien asked, in quite a sultry voice. Pip shook his head violently.

"D-Damien...you're...you're...ugh!" Pip fumbled around for his hat, completely mortified.

That _hadn't_ turned him on...had it?

About a half an hour later, they got ready to be going to school. Pip usually walked, but Damien rode the bus. "C'mon Pip, we're gonna miss the bus!"

Pip shook his head. "What bus driver do you have?"

"Mrs. Kilfrench. Why?"

Pip shrunk. This was just his luck. "She uhm...doesn't exactly like me...and she doesn't let me on the bus...so...uhm...I'll just walk, you take the bus..."

Damien cocked his eyebrows. "Why would she force you off the bus? I don't think the school district allows that..."

"The school district doesn't care about me, Damien..." Pip muttered.

"Well, I'm going to force her to let you on the bus!" Damien said, and punched the air in a determined fashion.

"Damien, seriously, it doesn't matter," Pip murmured, more to the ground than anything else. But, Damien wouldn't go for that, and grabbed Pip's arm in a very tight/painful grip and dragged him to the bus.

"Good morning Damien," Mrs. Kilfrench said to the dark young man as he walked up the steps. Pip was next in line, and tried to be as small as possible so that Mrs. Kilfrench wouldn't recognize him.

Luck was not on Pip's side, it seemed.

"Frenchie! Get the hell off my bus! I don't like stupid French pieces of crap!"

Pip was going to relent, just get off the bus, and walk to school. But Damien started yelling at Mrs. Kilfrench.

"Hey! He has just as much right to be on this bus as me! I'll report you if you don't let him on!"

Mrs. Kilfrench snorted. "Do you think he hasn't already tried that? The schoolboard doesn't care about stupid French faggots, you know that?"

* * *

The next thing Pip knew, he was walking side by side with Damien down the street to school. "Erm...Damien...if I may say so, that was stupid of you."

"No you may not say so."

Pip sighed. "I could have walked by myself..."

"No you couldn't have."

Pip stared off to the side. "Damien...I am so very sorry...all I've been doing is making things hard for you..." Pip knocked his knuckles together. He and Butters must have spent too much time together, it seemed, because Pip had picked up a lot of the blonde boy's habits.

"Pip, it's my choice to hang out with you. If I'm getting fucked over, it's completely my fault, not yours."

Pip wouldn't stand for it. "Damien! I'm sorry for raising my voice, but you are being a complete numbskull, and I can't take it! I'm an outcast, and I have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and all I do is cause you pain! Why don't you understand?? I'll never have anything to give back to you! NOTHING!" Pip had stopped walking by now. His head was low, and his whole body felt small. "I can't give you back money, and I can't give you back **not** money either! I'd probably contaminate you! You need to go. Before I completely fuck you up..."

It was completely silent. Pip figured that he'd finally gotten across to Damien, and Damien had left. Pip's shoulders sagged. _Why can't I just be a normal person? Why can't I just be like everything that Damien needs? Why can't I be perfect?_

"Pip..."

Pip's whole head shot up. He had thought Damien was gone! "Why are you still here??"

Damien started to laugh then. It started out as a soft, small laugh, but it escalated, and soon Damien was bent over so far that his head touched his knees. Pip's shoulders shrank, as he figured he was being completely made fun of.

"Pip...Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip..." Damien said, repeating his mantra from that morning after finally regaining composure. "Man, I know you're modest but...dude. That's taking it a bit far, don't you think? You're completely dissing yourself. Oh, I find this all extremely amusing because in a normal situation, you would be saying that **I **was the bad one, and that **I **am going to fuck you up." Damien grew serious. "Pip, if you don't want to hang around me, I completely understand..."

Pip was about to rebutt Damien's statement and say that of course he still wanted to hang out with Damien! But Pip knew it was in Damien's best interest to not be friends anymore. "I...you're right. I don't want to hang out with you anymore."

Damien looked stunned. Had he not expected this? Pip just looked down at the ground and started walking.

"Wait a second! Phillip Pirrup, you come back here!"

Pip gulped and turned around. He knew that Damien surely wanted to kick the crap out of him now. "Erm..." Pip couldn't even get an apology out, his throat was so tight.

"What the fuck did I do? I don't understand! I have the right to fucking know what the fuck I did!"

Pip just shook his head. "You wouldn't understand!"

Damien closed the distance between them in one lengthy stride. "Yes I would! Tell me, so I can at least apologize properly!"

"You're being an idiot!" Pip cried. "Okay? **You're being an idiot!** It's me! You just won't understand how miserable I'm making you!"

"I think I have the right to decide whether I'm happy or not, hmm?"

"You aren't happy and you know that!"

The next thing Pip knew the top of his head was stinging and his hat had literally been knocked off of his head from the force of Damien's blow. Had Damien just smacked him upside the head? Yes, he had. Pip prepared himself for what would probably be a very painful beating from the only son of Satan. Pip couldn't help the tears that crept up into his eyes. All he tried to do was make other people's lives more enjoyable, but it didn't seem to matter. He was cursed, literally, utterly, cursed. No matter how much he tried to be a good person, he ended up being bad. No matter how much he tried to heal, he only ended up hurting. No matter how much he tried to be a reliable friend to Damien, he knew he only ended up being a fucktard.

"I'm sorry..." he muttered to Damien, completely humiliated. _I wish I wasn't such a fucking queertard...then maybe Damien would want to hang out with me...then maybe other people would want to hang out with me...maybe then I wouldn't fuck up every good thing I ever had with my presence alone..._

"Pip, let me get this through your head. By the way, your head is the thing that I just smacked really hard. I think I am old enough that I can choose who my friends are. And I also think I'm old enough to decide whether my friends are gaytards or not. And you want to know something? I don't think you're a gaytard at all. Sure, you're not the strongest willed person out there, and sure you're not the most muscular, buffest man that ever set foot on this Earth. Or in Hell. But Pip, I am the epitome of coolness. And you, my friend, were **chosen** by me, whether you agree with it or not. If I choose you, then you are completely worthy. Because **I **am the epitome of coolness. You're not. So you don't get to choose my friends for me. Okay?"

Pip's head was hanging low still though. "I just...everything you could have, you don't have. Everything you want to have, you can't have. Everyone fun to hang out with doesn't hang out with you. Everytime you want to do anything cool, you can't do it. And it's all my fault! You couldn't even have a proper party if you wanted, because I'm here next to you basically saying 'If you come anywhere near Damien, you'll become a freak just like he became, because I'm here'. Damien, I just want you to be happy...and if being friends with me stops you from being happy...than I don't want to be friends anymore..."

All was silent.

And then Damien spoke up.

"Pip, you are the nicest person I have ever met," Damien remarked, very casually.

Pip's head shot up in confusion. "No I'm not! Whatever are you talking about?"

Damien laughed, one of his hands on his hip while the other hung straight down. Something about his pose made him look even cooler than he already had, his black hair in a somewhat emo style, covering his right eye. "Pip...I am not an idiot. I know, just by the way you light up everytime I'm near, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

Pip denied it, but he knew that it was completely true. Being friends with Damien was the best thing that had ever happened to him...

"And yet...for **my **sake, you are willing to give up the best thing that's ever happened to you to make **me** happy. You are willing to make yourself miserable for me! In fact, I bet if I asked you to go jump in front of a bus because it would make me happy, you'd do it. You'd probably do that for anyone, actually. Everything you do, you do it for someone else. You've forgotten that there is a Pip Pirrup on this planet because all you think about is helping other people. Can't you see Pip? You're not horrible, you're not nothing. You are, by far, the best person I've ever met. And that goes for everyone I've met all over the world, in both Heaven and Hell, in America as well as India. You are so much nicer than any human has been in so long. And that's why I chose to be friends with you and not with that prick Cartman. I know that after high school is over, you're still going to be my friend. I know you're someone I can trust with anything, someone who will do anything for me, and someone who is truly the best friend I could ever have. Okay? I don't know what I've done to make you think I **didn't **want to be friends with you, but I do. Okay??"

Pip was struck speechless. He couldn't say anything, he couldn't move, he could barely breathe! He was positive he was dreaming. But...this wasn't a dream...Damien had really just said that to him...

Damien appeared to be somewhat flustered over his whole little speech. "So...yeah. We should go to school now..."

"I...yeah..."

And, once again, Pip found himself walking side-by-side down the street to school.

* * *

Yeah.

Way more angsty-ish whatever than it needed to be.

But hey, it was fun to write!

This is a Christmas present (a day late) to everyone who has reviewed.

ESPECIALLY Society's Cavity.


	9. Home Sweet Box

This story is going well for me...I'm having mucho inspiration-o.

So...

Be amazed.

Well...actually, this chapter is even worse than the last one in the angst department. I'm sorry if you guys hate it. But I love it. .

And don't worry, if you despise all this angst that's going on, there won't be too many more huge angst-fests for the rest of the story (I think...).

OH. This is a long chapter. Haha. Like, twice as long as my chapters usually are...I like long chapters, but if you don't, then I am sorry.

**_Disclaimer:_** I own South Park! I also own the Sims, Ovation, and Christmas! I AM SANTA CLAUS, HEAR ME ROAR!

**Chapter 8 - Home Sweet Box**

"Pip! This is 112th time you've been here this year! Something is not right."

Pip shifted kind of uncomfortably on the hard blue chair Mr. Withers had him sitting on. He _always _had to sit here, and his butt was surely going to fall off one of these days. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to get sent here..."

Mr. Withers sighed irritatedly. "Pip! Sorry does NOT cut it! You need to shape up your act, you delinquent!"

Pip tried to figure out how exactly he'd been a delinquent, but he couldn't figure it out. All he'd done was drop his book on the ground...and then Mr. Sanders sent him to the office... "Mr. Withers, I wasn't being a delinquent..."

The beefy vice principal slammed a book on his desk in fury. "You do **not **talk back to me, you stupid French faggot!"

Pip's eyes drifted to the wall. He was used to Mr. Withers insulting him like this. It was one of his bad days. Mr. Withers got into _really _bad moods sometimes, and he liked to take it out on Pip. Pip saw no reason to fight back, seeing as he'd just get detention, or worse, suspension.

Besides, Pip didn't even know if he could deny being a faggot these days...what with Damien touching him with those soft, pillowy fingers...and how nice Damien had been to him...

"Are you even listening to me?!?"

Pip jerked. He hadn't been listening, he'd been spacing off about Damien. "Sorry!"

Mr. Withers then did something he'd never done to Pip before. He hit him. And not just a light warning tap. No, this smack was hard enough to actually knock Pip completely off of his chair. Pip hit the carpeted ground and "oomphed", already feeling his cheek burning. Pip didn't mind too much though, seeing as he'd felt much worse in his life. And he wasn't even surprised when he looked up and Mr. Withers wasn't even the slightest bit sympathetic. Pip was more surprised that this was the very first time this had ever happened to him...

"You are a nuisance! All you do is cause me trouble! In fact, I'd have you expelled if expulsions didn't make the school look so bad!"

Pip picked himself up off of the ground, his cheek throbbing where he'd been socked. "I'm sorry Mr. Withers..."

Mr. Withers looked so annoyed Pip was sure he wasn't feeling the smallest bit of guilt over what he'd just done. "Get out of my office. I don't want you here anymore. In fact, you'll wish you'd never been born if you ever are here again."

Pip didn't bother to say he already wished he'd never been born. "I'm sorry," he muttered, walking out of the office. His cheek was smarting and his ego had diminished yet a little bit more. He sighed and made his way to the front of the school, out into the sunlight.

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Pip, who was so used to getting yelled at by bullies, jerked in fear, and then realized it was Damien yelling for him. Over by the flagpole he saw Damien motioning for him to come over to him. Pip sighed and commenced trudging sullenly over to where Damien was standing. "Hello," he greeted his only friend.

"Guess what tomorrow is Pip?"

Pip gasped. He'd been so caught up with Damien, Mr. Withers, his box, the cold, and just life in general that he had forgotten! Tomorrow was his birthday!!! "How on Earth did I forget?"

"Forget what?"

Pip shook his head. "Oh, nothing!" Damien needed to tell him what tomorrow was before Pip jumped into the conversation and started to talk about himself like all he cared about was himself. "What is tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is...well, the worst day ever. It's Sarah's birthday..." Damien gagged. "Ugh...she's like 2000 years old and she still finds it necessary to have a party with all the other "teenagers" from heaven."

Pip laughed at the irony. Two birthdays in one! Well, he knew Damien would try to do something for him...and tomorrow was Sarah's day, not his. So, Pip elected to keep his mouth shut. "That sucks. I'm guessing...you have to go to her party then?"

"Well, it's not that I have to go...it's that she's having it at our house, because she and Jesus and Mary are moving in soon, and most of their stuff is there already." Damien appeared **very **irritated and was certainly acting like he wanted to be far away from his house the next night.

"Oh..." Pip knew it would be rude to invite himself to Sarah's party...and Sarah wouldn't want him there anyway...but he wanted to go, just so that he could be with Damien...

"Can I hang out at your house?"

Pip wasn't expecting this question at all! Why would Damien ever want to come over to his house? Well, Damien couldn't come over so Pip had to think of something... "Erm...not really...uhm...it's a mess!"

"I don't care."

"My...erm...foster parents care," Pip muttered. He wished he didn't have to lie...but Damien would be so angry with him...

"You haven't even asked yet! You could clean it tonight!" Damien was irked, it was obvious.

Pip shook his head violently. "No! I mean, they don't really like _anyone _coming over! So...it...it wouldn't work! No!"

Damien sighed exasperatedly. "Well, do you want to come hang out with me at the party then? Or is it that you just don't want to hang out at all?"

"No! I do want to hang out! I'll come over during her party!" Pip said, almost too enthusiastically. This was, of course, what he'd wanted.

"Okay! Tomorrow, after school, you're coming over." Damien grinned cheesily and gave Pip a corny two thumbs up. Pip shakily stuck his thumb up back at Damien.

They parted, Pip in an unusually good mood.

**

* * *

**

Pip woke up in the middle of the night that night, for he had rolled over onto his cheek and it had started to sting badly. Pip, of course, didn't have anything he could put on his poor cheek though...he lightly rubbed it, but that didn't work. It only served to make it sting worse.

"Stupid...urgh..." Pip stared at the wall sullenly. What a messed up life he had. "Why is it so bloody cold?!?" he yelled at the offending wall. No amount of arm rubbing would warm Pip up though. And of course, Pip knew that there were storms predicted in the next week. Wind storms. Storms that blew over trees, knocked down power lines, and picked up snow, blowing it everywhere and anywhere. Pip sighed, and pulled his ratty blanket as tight as he could around himself. It didn't do anything for the piercing coldness that actually hurt when it touched you.

It was a miserable night for Pip.

**

* * *

**

"Damien, honey, how are you tonight?" Pip stared off to the side as the sickening honey voice of Sarah made it's way into his ears. Damien, no matter how much he said that he despised this Sarah girl, didn't seem to mind her putting her hands all over him and rubbing his head like he was a cat.

"Well, it's _your _birthday, shouldn't I be asking you?" Damien asked, with one of his smirks. Pip crossed his arms and huffed under his breath._ I'm not jealous, _Pip told himself. But he knew somewhere deep down that he was. He was jealous of the fact that Damien was paying attention to someone else instead of him. _God, I'm so selfish, _Pip thought miserably. _If Damien wants to be with other people, I don't have any say...and I can't be selfish, that's just horrible! I'm a horrible person!_

"Pip, what happened to your face?" Sarah asked snootily. "Did someone beat you up? I wouldn't be surprised...haha!"

"I just...fell..." Pip muttered. Sarah obviously hated him, and was mocking him. So of course Pip couldn't tell them that Mr. Withers was the cause of his purple bruise! Oh what a laughingstock he'd be then... _"I got hit by a teacher..." "Pip you're such a faggot!" _Pip shook his head at the scene he'd made up in his head.

"Okay, okay, everybody!" said a red-haired girl who had been introduced as Pixie. "We - me and Diana - have decided that we're going to play Spin the Bottle!"

Damien started laughing. "How cliche," he said with another chuckle. All of the girls around started to gather in a circle, and Sarah rushed off to join in. Damien turned to Pip, a mocking smile on his face. He didn't look like he much wanted to play.

"Hey, wanna play?"

Pip shook his head. "No one would even want to kiss me! I'd ruin the game!!"

Damien responded by dragging Pip over to the circle and forcing him to sit down next to him. Pixie then spoke up, saying, "Okay, since it's Sarah's birthday, she gets to spin the bottle first!"

Sarah giggled, a highly unattractive sound to Pip. She spun the bottle and it landed on a girl named...Flora? Or was it Fiona? Frieda? Sarah crawled over the middle of the circle and gave F-girl a peck on the cheek, and they both giggled like teenage girls at the contact.

"Uhm...isn't Sarah like 2000 years old?" Pip asked Damien.

"Yeah..."

"Then why does she act like she's 15? It confuses me..."

Damien laughed. "I think she may have died when she was 15, and now that she's basically "undead" she can't grow any older, I guess. She's as bitchy as a teenage girl, that's for sure."

The game progressed, and somehow, neither Pip or Damien got landed on. Until, of course, Sarah had the bottle again. She spun it, extra hard this time. It landed...not on Damien...but on Pip.

Sarah's eyes got wide, and her mouth curled into a grimace. "Erm...I think I'm going to respin that one," she said, sounding like a complete bitch.

"Hey, hey, you can't do that," Damien protested. Pip just shook his head and pulled on Damien's arm.

"It doesn't matter..."

"It does too! When I have to spin, and I land on Sarah, I'm going to fucking have to kiss her, but when she lands on you she doesn't have to kiss you?? Not fucking fair!"

Sarah relented, but she was obviously not happy about her 'situation'. Pip wondered what it was that made him so disgusting that Sarah didn't want to have anything to do with him... _Maybe I have a zit...or maybe I'm just disgusting...probably the latter..._

Pip blanched when Sarah's lips made contact with his cheek. It felt like he was being kissed by an undead zombie or something, she was so cold! It lasted all of .3 seconds, and then she pulled away and was spitting and coughing, crying about how that was the most disgusting thing she'd ever had to do.

The spin was now up to Pip. Pip looked around the circle once, and saw that every single one of the girls was hoping she didn't get picked. Pip's spirits fell, and he spun the bottle weakly. _Please...God, if you're really there...make it land on Damien, please! He's the only one who won't scream about my disgusting-ness!!_

The bottle landed on Pixie.

"EW! No way! This is not fair!" Pixie screeched. "I demand that he re-spin!"

"But then he'll land on someone else!" Diana said. "Just deal with his disgusting-ness, Pixie!"

Pixie didn't 'deal with it' though. She elected to go play a different game, something that had to do with telling the truth or doing some sort of dare...all the girls were psyched, and immediately they all started asking each other personal questions like "Who is the hottest boy you've ever met?" or "How far have you gone with your boyfriend?". Then, they'd dare each other to stand on their heads, or kiss the wall, or something stupid like that. Sarah made sure to _constantly _include Damien in their antics. Pip hadn't been asked anything the whole game, until a girl named Hannah decided he needed to be included.

"Pip, do you have the hots for Damien?" she asked. Pip sputtered, and decided that all these girls were bitches.

"N-no! Of course not!" Pip defended. Who knows what the girls would do - what DAMIEN would do - if he said he **did **have feelings for the very emo-like son of Satan. Not that he did! No, Pip did **not **have a crush on Damien...no...

"Oh bullshit!" Sarah intervened. "I've seen the way you look at him! You WANTED the bottle to land on him!"

Every single one of the girls was laughing...at _him._ Pip looked down at the ground, ashamed that these idiotic girls might ruin his friendship with Damien.

"Hey, are you all homophobes or something?" Damien asked. Sarah looked at him and laughed.

"Hey, you know, gay sex is a SIN. My grandpa said so in the Bible! So ha!" she said, while pointing her finger at Damien triumphantly.

Damien scoffed. "Yeah, well you're a bitch. I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible about treating people the way you'd want to be treated also..." Damien wrapped his arm around Pip's skinny shoulders. "Pip may be gay, but he's cooler than you." Damien didn't seem to have caught up on the fact that they were all saying that Pip _liked _him...Damien seemed to only think they were calling him gay...Pip thanked God for his wonderful blessing.

The girls just glared, and moved to a different room.

The night didn't get any easier for Pip though. During cake, Pixie made sure to smash Pip's head into his. They put on a horrible song about gays, and loudly made fun of Damien's quite obviously gay friend. Sarah made a big deal about how Pip didn't get her a present, and called him a horrible person. Damien didn't stick up for him the rest of the party either, he just laughed at the girl's antics like it was all a big joke.

Finally, when everyone was entranced by Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Men's Chest, Pip left.

Pip's eyes watered a bit on his walk home. "What a horrible birthday..." he muttered to himself. Damien didn't know it was his birthday, so he had an excuse for not wishing him a happy one, but there were others who knew. No one cared, no one cared that he had just been completely humilated at _someone else's _party. No one had wished him a happy birthday. He was, quite literally, alone.

Well, it was good that it wasn't snowing, Pip thought, trying to brighten his mood up slightly. _At least it won't be the WORST sleep tonight..._

Pip lived in the heart of South Park. South Park, of course, is very small, and the heart is not overly large. But, Pip did live in one of the busiest places in South Park. He lived, quite literally, in between the Post Office and a store that put coffee cups and hats on display.

Pip lived in a box.

Pip entered his alleyway, one of the most secluded and dark alleyways in all of downtown South Park. It was somewhat hard to spot, and no one would want to enter it anyways. It was dark and scary looking. At the back of the alley, before South Park's city limits, was Pip's humble abode.

Pip's box house was actually more like a cardboard mansion. Pip had lived there for quite some time, and had actually managed to make a somewhat cardboard roof, though it didn't work well in the snow. There were cardboard shelves, where Pip kept any small knick-knacks that he didn't want to give up. There was a refrigerator box set up that was obviously where Pip spent his nights since his ratty blanket was inside of it. Pip even had a dumpster for one of his "house's" walls! He had a flashlight that he used incase it was really dark, which he kept in his refrigerator box. Pip also kept his money in his refrigerator box; any spare change he found he hoarded for lunch. He had a closed cardboard box underneath his cardboard shelves that he kept all of his clothes in; once a week or so he'd take them to the Laundromat and wash them for a quarter.

Pip settled down onto a cardboard box that he had made into a chair. He was tired, he was miserable, and he wanted to just sit for a moment. His refrigerator box wasn't tall enough for him to be able to sit in there, or else he would have done that. He leaned back against the wall of the store, which made up another one of his box-house's walls. _Stupid Sarah...oh, why am I thinking that? She's perfectly nice, it's just _me _that is stupid...I have to stop being so selfish, Damien deserves someone like -_

"PIP?"

Pip shot up from his cardboard chair onto his feet, and looked towards the alleyway opening where the easily recognized voice had come from. There was Damien, Pip's only friend, and the person that Pip would have least liked to be there at that moment.

"D-Damien! Uhm...uhm...look at this awesome hobo house I found!" Pip said shakily, smiling hesitantly. "It's pretty cool, isn't it?"

Damien closed the distance between with less than 7 large strides, though it usually took Pip around 10 to get to his house. "Pip, what the hell is going on?"

"N-nothing! I just found this uhm...hobo house thing, and uhm, I was just looking at it, and uhm...yeah..." Pip wrung his hands anxiously. _This can't be happening...how did he find me?!? Oh God...you don't cut me any slack do you? Oh, I must've fucked something up really bad to be punished this much...I'm sorry God!!! _

Damien didn't buy Pip's explanation for even a second. "Pip, do you live here???!??!?"

"Well...the thing is that..." Pip shrugged with one arm, and tried to figure out a way to effectively explain his situation. He ended up just apologizing copiously, hoping that Damien wouldn't be too mad... "I'm so sorry!! Please, please, understand, I've only been here for about 5 years"-

"FIVE YEARS?" Damien bellowed. Pip flinched, shrinking into himself.

"Uhm...yes?" Pip dared a quick glance at Damien's face, and found that Damien looked absolutely furious. Pip inhaled sharply and fixed his gaze upon his somewhat worn out shoes. _Oh God...please, don't let this be happening!! I swear, I'm so sorry for whatever I did! You can't take Damien away too... _Pip gasped in understanding. He realized why God was so mad at him! _I know why you're doing this to me...I'm being selfish...I'm only thinking about what _I _want...I want Damien to still be my friend, but I'm being selfish, because I don't even deserve a friend, not with how pathetic I am...I live in a box...you're right God...you're always right! _Pip felt the tears in his eyes. This was it. The true end of the only good thing that had ever happened to him...

"You...you...you're homeless! You live in a box!" Damien's hands combed through his hair distressedly. "How...how the fuck..."

"Its actually like seven boxes... and I'm clean!" Pip protested, waving his hands at Damien. "I-I wash my clothes at the Laundromat! And-and I take showers in the school locker room! I swear!" Pip bit his lip and lowered his hands. "I'm so sorry...I...I..." Pip shook his head and stared at the cement ground. He had fucked it up. He had let Damien find out where he lived. Damien couldn't even possibly want to talk to him anymore...why had he been so stupid?? Why had he let Damien find him?!?

"I followed you because that party was fucking queer, and Sarah was being a bitch, and then I was worried about the bruise on your face...I thought, abuse? But...but this...oh my God!"

Pip gulped. He couldn't even think of anything else to say. What could he possibly say to make **this **right?

"Pip, what, what...why are you living on the street??"

"Because my foster parents hated me..." Pip answered softly. "I was a complete nuisance, and I was just making everything wrong...and they finally just said to 'Get out, before we kill ya!'...and...I've been living here since...I'm sorry..." A tear slipped out from his eye, and his shoulders sagged in defeat.

Pip looked up at his only friend (were they friends still?), and surveyed his flustered expression. What was Damien thinking? He surely detested Pip now, was completely disgusted, and ashamed that he'd ever wanted to ever talk to Pip in the first place. Pip sighed dejectedly. "Just...just go...I'm miserable enough without your disgust making it worse..."

"What??" Damien didn't miss a beat. "What the hell are you even talking about??"

"I know I'm pathetic..." Pip whispered. "Please...if I ever asked you for anything...just go..." Pip couldn't look at him, he couldn't bear this. He'd kill himself, except that would make God hate him even more...he had nothing to live for but the hope that he'd be good enough for someone someday...

"Pip, I don't want to go! Fuck, I'm not _disgusted!_ Dude, I'm fucking freaked out, but...oh my God!"

Pip shook his head. "No, please! I'm begging you! I can't take any more insults, any more contempt!" Pip crumbled, collapsing in on himself onto the cement ground. He was on his knees, his arms wrapped around himself. He had nothing to live for, he had no friends, no family, and he wasn't even smart! He couldn't even help cure cancer or some shit like that, because all of his teachers gave him F's. He was completely, utterly worthless.

What happened after that Pip was not expecting at all. He felt two strong, warm hands grab him under the forearms and lift him to his feet. Damien was right there, so close... _He's gonna hit me! _

But Damien didn't hit him. Damien brushed off some imaginary dust from Pip's shoulders, straightened Pip's hat, and smoothed his decently long blonde hair which had been tangled. Then they stood, barely six inches apart, and Damien started to attempt shutting Pip up, who was still crying. "Pip, I think you need to calm down. You are going kind of crazy...just calm down, and stop crying!"

Pip hiccuped, and sniffled, but he did let up on his crying a little bit. "Damien, whatever are you doing?"

"I am asking you to calm down!" Damien snapped. Pip immediately shut up, not saying a word, not barely breathing even. "Okay, so...you're homeless," Damien started.

Pip nodded shamefully. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I" -

"Did I say to talk? Nope, didn't think so. Okay, so you're homeless. Now, so what are we gonna do about that?"

Pip stared straight forward, at Damien's black shirt, not having the courage to look him in the eye just yet. "Uhm, what would we do about it? I don't have any money..."

Damien cocked his head in thought for a moment. Then, you could see the answer come to him by the grin the lit up his entire face. "I have the best idea! You're gonna move in with me!"

Pip immediately shook his head in the negative. "No! I could never be such a burden! You already have Sarah and her family moving in, I could never barge in on your life!"

Damien rolled his eyes. "Pip, if there's anything I need right now, it's an escape from Sarah. Ugh. You can't seriously want to stay here in the cold!"

Pip just shrugged noncommittally. "I'd rather stay here in the cold than be a burden for you...I mean, as long as that doesn't make you mad!!"

Damien patted Pip on the top of the head like he was a small child. "Again, you are the nicest person I've ever met. C'mon, we need to get back home."

Before Pip had any time to react, Damien has stuffed all of the stuff Pip had in sight (which was all he had) into one of Pip's cardboard boxes, and after shoving the box into Pip's arms, Pip was led down the street, back to Damien's house.

_Thank you God..._

**

* * *

**

Hey...

I'd appreciate, if you have this story on Story Alert, that you review.

That would make me feel all special inside...

I mean, if you're going to take the time to **alert** yourself when it's updated, you could at least **review** it...

And **16** people have put this story on alert!

So...

I'd expect at least **_16_** reviews this chapter, if you fanfiction dot net readers are really as cool as you'd like me to think you are.


	10. Sexcapades

I got reviews...

But I didn't get 16 of them like I should have.

So screw you guhs, I'm goin' home!

-15 second pause-

Well...I'm kind of already at home.

But seriouslah you guhs!

I need reviews

Or I am not a happy panda.

And unhappy pandas don't post new chapters.

Butbut...I'd like to think this chapter is actually kind of funny...Pip, in his almost two weeks of living with Damien, has become less skittish! Whoot!

This chapter was _SOOOO _much fun to write.

**_Disclaimer_**: South Park is my property, just like Rolling Stone Magazine, Etnies, and Fender. Did you not know all this already? Gosh you're an idiot!!! Haven't you been reading my other disclaimers? Look at all the wonderful things I own! And South Park is one of them...

**Chapter 9 - Sexcapades**

The first week of Pip moving in with Damien was quite hectic indeed. Pip had had to crash in Damien's room, for all of the guest bedrooms were taken, by Jesus and Mary, and Sarah. Oh, and Peter was there too. Peter, one of Jesus' main disciples (and his best friend) had, for some reason, been invited to live there as well. It seemed that Jesus felt it was okay to just bring along his friends, though Pip couldn't understand why Satan would have let him in, seeing as Peter and Satan didn't quite get along. There were unopened boxes in random places, clothes strewn across the living room (mostly from John and Satan though...), dishes piled up in the sink, and music playing so loudly that Pip couldn't hear himself think. All in all though, it worked out pretty well, at least, better than Pip had thought it would.

The first night was probably the hardest for Pip, though even that was pretty easy, as long as you forgot about Sarah threatening to kill him.

"What are you guys doing?" Sarah asked, as Damien and Pip had walked into the house, Pip holding a large box full of clothes.

"We are planning our elaborate plan to take over the world," Damien replied.

"'Planning your elaborate plan'?" Sarah asked, giggling. "Damien, you're so funny! But seriously, if Pip left, why are you bringing him back? My party isn't over yet, you know!"

"Well, because Pip is moving in with us, of course!" Damien said with a bright grin.

You could've sworn Sarah had actual fire in her eyes. She was _so angry _that Pip was actually scared. "Damien, you're such a fucktard sometimes! Pip is a sinner! He's gay! _AND _he is completely stupid, and annoying, and to top it all off, he's FRENCH!"

"I'm not French," Pip muttered softly.

"We have no room for the little freak anyway! Pip, you'll be gone, you will be out of this fucking house, believe me!" Sarah threatened. "**_I HATE YOU!!!_**"

Pip sighed. Everyone seemed to hate him for no reason... "Why? I just...everyone hates me...is there a reason?? I need to know..."

"You're short, you're scrawny, you're foreign, you're blonde, you wear a dumb hat, you are always with Damien, you're obsessive, you're stupid, you're a sinner, you talk _too fucking much_, and urgh!!! I'd kill you if you wouldn't just go to hell where Damien already is most of the time! You need to stay away from him!" She said, pointing her finger in an accusing way.

Damien chuckled. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...I believe it's actually _my _fault he's here, not his. And by the way, short, scrawny, foreign, blonde, obsessive guys turn me on." Damien winked, a sly grin taking over his face. Pip couldn't decide whether Damien was kidding or being serious... "And anyways, why do you keep trying to force me to hate Pip by calling him a 'sinner'? I am the son of one of the most sinful beings in the universe, in case you've forgotten."

Sarah huffed, turning away and going back to her guests. Damien just laughed and dragged Pip upstairs to his bedroom. Pip shuddered at the darkness, but found himself slightly enjoying the plaid carpet... "Okay, so you'll be sleeping on the floor, I guess," Damien mused. "I can clear out a drawer for your clothes or something...hmm..."

"Please, don't trouble yourself!" Pip asked. "I can fend...I'll just keep my clothes in this box, and keep this box in your closet or something!"

"No, you're not going into my fucking closet!!" Damien said, sounding somewhat defensive. Pip didn't have a clue why, and wasn't sure he wanted to know why... "I have a drawer that I barely use anyway, I'll just let you use it. I don't have too many clothes to need to put away anyways." Damien didn't actually end up cleaning out the drawer though. He forced Pip to do it, while he went off to 'find a blanket' for Pip, and didn't come back for fifteen minutes.

Pip thought the dirty joke in his head about Damien's absence. It was on the tip of his tongue, he wanted to say it so badly too! But he didn't. No, he could never purposely offend his only friend and only hope of staying out of the cold!! Pip knew Damien would get so angry...and Pip didn't want to be friendless yet again over a stupid perverted joke.

"I've got everything put away," Pip opted to say instead.

"Good. I got you a pillow too, while I was getting you a blanket," Damien said while throwing them both at Pip's head.

"Yeah...getting a blanket, that's what you were doing," Pip muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Pip squeaked quickly.

Damien just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "So, okay, tomorrow we have school, and I am not walking again."

"That's okay! I can walk on my own!"

Damien shook his head. "No, that ain't gonna work. Pip, are you old enough to drive?"

"I don't have a car," Pip said, evading the question Damien had actually asked. Seeing as it _was _his birthday, he was technically old enough to drive.

"I didn't ask that..." Damien said, not sounding too annoyed yet. "Are you 15 still, or are you 16?"

"16," Pip answered warily. "But...I haven't taken Drivers Ed. I haven't exactly had the money..."

Damien pouted. "Damn! I was thinking maybe you could just borrow one of my dad's cars, or something. I, of course, have been in hell almost my whole life, so I have never taken Drivers Ed."

"Sorry then..." Pip said. He didn't know quite what he was sorry for...oh yeah, now Damien would have to walk with him. "I'll just walk by myself!!"

"Nah, I can walk with you. When'd you turn 16 anyway?" Damien seemed genuinely curious.

Pip shrugged. "Erm...not too long ago."

"Like...March?"

"No..."

"February?"

"No..."

"January?"

"No..."

Damien tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips confusedly, his eyebrows narrowing into a 'V'. "Any earlier than that and it won't be not too long ago...just tell me already!"

Pip shrugged again. "Erm...April?" he said, a somewhat scared grin taking over his face.

"Uhm...it's only April 13th...I've known you since way before April...did you have your birthday and not tell me?!?"

Pip shrugged for the third time in a row. Damien was getting irritated, he could tell. "Well...uhm...kinda. My birthday's not exactly over yet..."

Damien's eyes widened in understanding. "Dude! Weak! Why would you not tell me it's your birthday today??"

Pip shrugged.

"STOP SHRUGGING!"

Pip stared off away from Damien, finding it easier to not look him in the eye. "Sorry..."

"About what? Shrugging or not telling me that it's **your birthday**?!?"

"Both?" Pip asked more than said hopefully.

Damien was silent for a moment. "Well," he began finally, "I got you off the streets. Happy birthday."

The rest of the week was somewhat weird. Pip had had much trouble with understanding an actual family, albeit a very messed-up one. Satan and John Lennon did it in so many different places that Pip had already walked in on them more than five times. Sarah took it upon herself to try and cause Pip as much pain as possible. Plus, Peter seemed to turn up wherever he went, trying to give Pip 'advice' on all things from Damien to bathing!

Plus, there was the part that Pip felt like he could not fit in with. It seemed that he would walk into a room and suddenly everyone would shut their mouths. Pip didn't know whether he was overreacting, too stupid to know what they were talking of, or if they just didn't want him to know about whatever it was. Pip decided to just ignore it though; it couldn't be that important, right? If it was so important that it would be completely horrible for Pip to be involved in it, they would have kicked him out already. Right?

Most of the week, there was never a time when everyone was home at the same time. What with Damien and Pip having school, Jesus' talk show, Sarah's parties, Satan's weekly trips to hell, and Peter's fishing trips, it was hard to actually get everyone together at the same dinner table to eat.

But, on the Friday of the week after Pip had moved in, everyone was home at the same time, and Mary had taken it upon herself to cook a huge fancy meal.

"Bless us O Lord, and these thy gifts"- Jesus started, but was cut off by Damien.

"Hey! Some of us are Satanists here!"

"Bless us O Lord and O Satan, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounties, through Christ and Satan, our Lords, Amen."

"Amen!"

Mary had gone all out with her meal. She had roasted some of Peter's fish, and some duck also. There was a huge gravy boat. She had made three different salads. There were also some rolls, and some cheese, and there was fruit salad, macaroni salad, and corn casserole. Plus, for dessert, she had made cheesecake, pumpkin pie, and some odd pudding thing that Pip couldn't name even if he tried.

"M-Mary...this is so much food...thank you so much!" Pip said, the first one who had even thought to thank the wonderful chef of this meal.

"Why thank you Pip!" Mary Magdalene said with a sweet smile. Mary was the nicest person that lived in this house, from Pip's point of view. Satan, John, Damien, and Sarah could all be complete bitches. Peter was so aloof that it was hard to tell if he was even at home or not. Jesus had a small anger management problem.

Of course, everyone else decided that, to be nice (and to not be outshined by the stupid little French boy), they needed to thank Mary Magdalene as well, in their own way.

"Thanks for the wonderful food..." -glare at Pip for making him say that-

"Uhm...many thanks Mary..." -staring off somewhere else-

"You're such a sweetie!" -gay smile-

"Mom, I want more of this food!" -bratty grimace-

"Let's make love!" -horny-

"You'd better not let that bratty Damien eat all of it!" -...John-

The meal was quite a scary affair, in truth. In the midst of all the confusion, gravy throwing, yelling, flirting, and whatever else went on at that table, Pip was sitting, scared off his scrawny French - I mean British - ass, in the middle or it all.

"Pass the fucking gravy Pip!"

"Sarah watch your mouth!"

"Honey, you're looking quite sexy..."

"As are you, you silly goose John!"

-Plop-

"Damien, you got gravy on me, you fucktard!"

"Saw-ree, John..."

Pip stayed silent throughout the entire meal. Only it was hard NOT to talk when Sarah started flirting shamelessly with Damien, and Pip wouldn't have been satisfied with merely chopping her head off.

"Damien, you're such a cutie, eating your turkey like that!" Sarah cooed, complimenting Damien on eating his turkey in the same exact way everyone else around the table was. Her hand had made it's home on his upper arm, and her low-cut shirt was as close as possible to Damien's face without alerting the rest of the table of what she was doing. She ran her other hand through his hair. "Damien, your hair is SOO soft!"

"Uhm...thank you?"

Pip couldn't even try to deny it. He was jealous. _Why does she have the courage to be all over him like that when it's been made quite plain to her that HE HATES HER?? _Pip instantly kicked himself. Hard. Literally, not mentally. _I don't have ANY say over what Damien does...and it's not like I'd _want _to be all over him anyway!!! Maybe...someday...Damien will realize that he and Sarah would be _good _together, get married, have kids, if possible for the undead..._ Pip felt something that tasted like vomit come up into his throat, and had to cough and spit to get the bad tasting stomach acid out of his mouth.

But, Pip was actually somewhat perturbed the whole meal. Sarah was all over Damien, and no matter how he kept declaring his undying hate of the illegitimate daughter of Jesus Christ, Damien didn't make a whole lot of effort to get her off. Pip sat, on Damien's right side, feeling contempt, not only towards Sarah, but to himself, for being a selfish prick. _I will have to get used to the idea that Damien and Sarah are, if not already, going to be boyfriend and girlfriend...it doesn't matter how she treats me, she is wonderfully nice to Damien. In fact...I think they'd be good for each other...certainly much better than _I'd _be for Damien...of course, I mean that purely platonically!!! She'd be better for him as a girlfriend than I'd be as a friend! Yeah, that's what I meant to think!_

That night, Damien disappeared from the bedroom.

After that night, Sarah was over Damien even more than she was before. If that was even possible. Unlucky for Pip, he had to deal with it even more, because it was Spring Break in Park County. Damien was home _all day_. Sarah was over him _all day. _There were thousands of sweet words exchanged (more like thrown at Damien from Sarah), and there were a million moments when Sarah just stared dreamily at Damien's hot body. _Hot according to her!! Not me!! _After that night, everything seemed different, more intimate with them.

Pip was almost 100 percent positive that Damien and Sarah were secretly having sex, after dark, during the middle of the night. He was positive that there was no way that they _couldn't _be, not with how much time they spent with each other!

So, Pip, being the smart human being that he was, decided to go on an escapade, and find out if they really were having sex. He didn't know how he'd do it, what he'd do, or how he'd worm his way out of trouble if he was caught, however. _Well...I'm pretty sure Damien wouldn't _hate _me for it...he'd just get very mad...and maybe force me to sleep outside...or...he might kick me out!! Is it worth it? Not really, no...I'd only be figuring out for sure if he is really doing it with her...that's not important...not at _all...

But, in the days Pip had spent at Damien's house had made him slightly braver, so an hour later, Pip was snooping through Damien's bedroom.

Now, Pip wasn't exactly what you'd call sexually informed. Sure, he knew sex happened between a guy and girl, and that certain areas of the body were involved...but beyond the fact that you needed to wear a condom, Pip hadn't a clue what he should be looking for! He started in the obvious places, like Damien's very black side table, and underwear drawer. Pip had to convince himself that he was NOT looking in this drawer for his own pleasure, but to find a box of condoms...or something. "I am straight!" Pip whispered violently to himself, whilst in the middle of fingering every single pair of Damien's boxers, searching for something he wasn't even positive was there.

Next, Pip decided he needed to check the closet! Certainly Damien wouldn't keep something secret in such an obvious place as his underwear drawer...everyone put their secret crap in that top drawer...

Pip didn't find any condoms in Damien's closet. He did find some backwards books, though ("Hmm...I wonder what Yow-eye Hen-tay means? And what an interesting picture is on the front of this book..."), and he found some strange looking objects ("Hey, this looks like kind of like a rocketship...is it electronic? It is!") hidden in a cardboard box deep in the bottom of Damien's extensive closet. He didn't think that either of these things had to do with sex, so there was no point to worry about them. There was nothing else in the closet worth noting, so Pip came out, somewhat discouraged that he hadn't found any evidence to Sarah and Damien having sex.

"Maybe...I should check Sarah's room!" But immediately, Pip doused the idea with icy water. Sarah would **murder **him. Only, she'd find a way to do it without actually killing him...there would be nothing but sheer pain and torture...finding out if Sarah was doing it with his Damien wasn't worth it... _Wait, I did NOT just say my Damien! Because there's no way I feel anything about any of this, Damien's not mine, and, and, and, I DON'T CARE IF THEY HAD SEX OR NOT!_

A few moments later, after checking that Sarah and Damien were mesmerized by Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Pip snuck into Sarah's room, looking for clues. "Hmm...I think my clue is pointing that way..." Pip muttered, going towards Sarah's top drawer.

_Oh God...she is going to kill me...and, and Damien will side with her! I mean, why wouldn't he? Oh God! I shouldn't be doing this! This is wrong! This is Sarah! Oh my God...I'm so sorry God! Please, please, I swear I'll make this up to you! I promise!_

Pip shuddered when he opened the top drawer. There were so many lacy, frilly, pink things in this particular drawer. Pip gulped, shakily moving around pairs of panties to see around inside. He was surprised, and completely disgusted, to find a pair of Damien's red silk boxers in Sarah's panty drawer... _Either she stole it, or he left it in here!!! I'm hoping for the former..._ Pip had possibly found the first piece of incriminating evidence toward his hypothesis. Pip left it, completely gagging, and slammed the drawer shut in his utter need to get away from that intimate area. BANG! Pip froze, wondering if they'd heard him...after a whole minute had passed, and Pip wasn't being completely pounded upon yet, he gave a sigh of relief. They hadn't heard!

Pip went now to Sarah's bedside table, and checked the drawers there. He didn't find anything...except, one of Damien's socks!! It even looked like a fancy sock, a sock he'd wear just before he went on a date..._Why are all his clothes in here??_ Pip thought frenziedly. This was his possible second piece of incriminating evidence.

Pip ventured to her trash can, wondering if possibly an old condom wrapper would be there. He didn't find any, but then realized that Sarah wouldn't be so stupid as to put it in her own bedroom!

Pip then moved on to the upstairs bathroom, right across the hall from Sarah's bedroom. He dug around in the trash can in there, looking for the plastic. He didn't find a condom though...he found something worse. Something he wouldn't have expected, especially not at a house of mostly guys. Something that most certainly had to belong to Sarah.

There was a pregnancy test in that trash can.

And it was positive.

"OH GOD!" he screamed. "She's pregnant...oh God...Damien is going to be a **father**!" Pip fell down, unable to support himself. "Oh no...how could this happen? Damien probably doesn't know...**_how long have they been doing it_?**" Pip's worst fears were confirmed. Damien and Sarah were officially together, and officially going to be parents.

Pip inhaled deeply, and exhaled just as. "Okay...so, Damien is going to be a father...nothing wrong with that! Absolutely nothing! I'll just wait until they decide to tell everyone, and then I'll congratulate them!"

-5 minutes later-

Pip burst into the living. "Sarah's pregnant!" he screeched. Damien and Sarah both shot straight up in their respective chairs.

"What?!?" Damien sputtered. "P-pregnant?"

"I'm not pregnant you dumb-shit!" Sarah yelled. "You stupid fuck! What the hell are you even talking about??!?"

Pip narrowed his eyes in a determined fashion. "I have the test! I can prove it! And Damien is the father!" He shoved the test out in front of him, clearly showing off the "positive" green that showed prominently at one end of the stick. "See?!? You're pregnant! And who else would be the father but DAMIEN?????"

"That's not mine!" Sarah yelled with a glare. "I'm _not _pregnant!!"

"I've never had sex with that bitch!" Damien yelled.

"Well, then who else's could it be?" Pip asked smugly, crossing his arms.

"Oh dear..." said a sweet sounding voice from the door. Mary Magdalenes slight frame was standing in the doorway, and each "teenager" stared, one in complete embarrassment, one in complete pissed-off-ness, and one in almost-about-to-vomit-ness. "I do believe that is mine...I wasn't planning to tell you all until dinner tonight..." Mary looked positively put out. "I'm sorry, I was going to tell you tonight, but I guess you've already figured it out...oh well..."

After Mary Magdalene had walked out of the room, Sarah turned with a horrible glare towards Pip. "Nice going, you fucking queertard...you made my mom feel bad!" Sarah walked up to Pip (who was a considerable three inches or so shorter that Sarah) and smacked him upside the head. Hard.

"Ow..."

Sarah then huffed out of the room, muttering death threats towards the poor British boy.

Damien was stunned. He couldn't even speak, he was so shocked. "Pip? What the fuck???"

Pip shrugged, thoroughly embarrassed. "Uhm...sorry..."

"What would give you the idea that I'd want to fuck that _**thing**?_?"

Pip shrugged. "She's always all over you, and you never seem to care! And, and, I found your clothes in her room!"

"You snooped through her room??"

Whoops.

Pip grinned apologetically. "Uhm...I'm sorry??"

Damien ran a hand through his hair. "Pip...Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip..."

"You don't wanna kick me out do you?"

Damien shook his head. "My clothes...were in her room?"

"Well...there was a sock in her side table drawer...and there was a pair of crimson boxers in her underwear drawer..."

"OH SICK!" Damien ran into the nearest bathroom, vomited, and came back looking especially green. "I didn't...give her...oh God...no wonder you thought we were fucking! Well, we're not!" Damien was adamant. "There is NO WAY I'd even consider doing it with that...whore...she stole my boxers...what a fucking...urgh!" Damien looked positively pissed. "No matter how sick and disgusting that is, it's a good thing you found them...I'll fucking kill her..."

Pip gulped. He knew Damien would find out about the escapade in his own room soon, and it was better for Pip to tell him now than Damien find out on his own later... "Er...well, I kinda went through your room too." Pip heard a sharp intake of breath. "I'm sorry!" he added, quickly. "It's not like I found anything!"

"Did you go into my closet?" Damien asked, wide-eyed, looking almost feral.

"Erm...yeah..."

"What did you find?"

"Only some odd looking comic books called Yow-eye Hen-tay. And some quaint electronic rocketship things...but, I didn't find anything that you'd want to keep a secret!!" Pip said, waving his hands in front of him. "Seriously!!"

Pip heard a long, weary sigh from Damien. "Do me a favor...never mention either of the things you just said to anyone."

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Damien said with a glare that was meaner than any glare Pip had ever been subjected to before.

"Sure!! I swear!!"

Damien ran his fingers through his hair. "Urgh...you are such a pain..."

Pip stared at the floor, feeling very much like a pain. Damien must have been so fed up with him! "Sorry...I won't do it again!"

Damien nodded. "Yeah...okay..."

They sat down on the couch next to each other, and Damien was soon entranced in the Will Ferrell-ness again. Until, of course, Pip had to interrupt him.

"What does Yow-eye Hen-tay mean?"

**

* * *

**

Is Sarah bitchy enough for you?

Is Pip cute enough for you?

Oh, I realize that it's pronounced "Ya-oh-ee Hen-ta-ee". I'm not an idiot. Pip just is.

Again, if you put this story on alert...

Or favorited it...

Please review it! If you're going to take the time to come back to it over and over to read it, then could you please review?

Even if it's a short, pointless "You are awesome, update soon!" review, I don't mind! It still gives me inspiration to write more, better, and faster.

I swear, you will not be disappointed. -wink-


	11. Stowaway

**IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR SOCIETY'S CAVITY: UPDATE YOUR DAMN STORY.  
**Oh, and I love you and want to bear your children.  
)

I have discovered something amazingly awesome.

Pip is the name of the main character of the book Great Expectations.

And I thought to myself "DUH!" because there was the whole South Park episode about him and...duh.

But damn, Great Expectations is an enjoyable read just because South Park Pip is based off of Great Expectations Pip.

Heehee.

Ima dork.

* * *

Disclaimer: Homedogs, I like totally muthafucking own this fine piece of ass called South Park, just like I fucking own G-Unit, South Pole, and those funny looking gang bandanas. Don't be hatin' on my muthafucking ownage!

**Chapter 10 - Stowaway**

What a chilly day it was, Pip mused to himself as he pulled his slighty tattered shirt around him. He needed some money so that he could buy a jacket, but Pip had no job to speak of so it would be a bit difficult for him to actually be able to do that. And of course, Pip had much too much pride (and utter timidness) to ever ask Damien to buy him one. "It's not too cold, I'm used to much worse," Pip decided.

School had not been enjoyable for him. Damien had stayed home that day, leaving Pip to his lonely lonesome. And Pip, no matter how much he didn't want to admit it, could not deal with being alone at school. Sure, he knew he'd see Damien later, and it wasn't as though he missed him or anything (at least, not too utterly terribly...).

Pip just couldn't deal with the kids that had realized that since his "guard-dog" had mysteriously disappeared, Pip was completely open.

And Pip had had to deal with many a kid. Firstly, arriving to school (after having to walk), Joe Gargery and his pals decided to put, not a snake in his boot, but an iguana. And what an iguana it was. Then, Cartman and Kyle and Kenny and Stan, at lunch, had all ganged up on him. And poured orange juice down his shirt. There was one bully (who Pip could not remember the name of for this life of him) who walked by Pip between every single one of his classes and found it insanely amusing to trip the poor British boy, who then would get trampled underneath the feet of the students rushing to their next class.

And so, Pip realized with paticularly low spirits, he now sported a black eye and approximately thirty bruises, big and small, hidden by clothing.

So, with a dark shroud of gloom laying thickly over his head, he set out to walk back "home", where hopefully he wouldn't get inquired too dreadfully much about his numerous wounds. _At least my bad day can't get too much awfully worse..._

And then Mr. Withers decided it would be a good idea to suspend him from school for two weeks.

"PIP!" an angry sounding voice bellowed. Pip knew that voice from his plentiful (and painful) encounters with it. Pip sighed and turned around, wishing Mr. Withers gone. No such luck, however, when the burly vice principal lumbered up to him and grabbed him by the back of the neck. "My office. NOW," said Mr. Withers in such a way that Pip feared for his life, and for once, he actually had something to live for.

Mr. Withers dragged Pip to that hard blue chair by his ear, and then threw him down roughly into the seat. Pip didn't even bother to apologize; it didn't ever work with Mr. Withers. Besides, he didn't even know what he had done.

"Pip...I have had it up to HERE with you!" Mr. Withers yelled, and raised his hand to a point above his head emphasizing the "here". "I always knew you were a troublemaker, but this is TOO FAR!"

Pip couldn't decide whether it was getting beaten up or getting beaten up that had gotten him in trouble, because getting beaten up was all he had really done all day.

Mr. Withers seemed to get even more infuriated with Pip when he didn't respond. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Erm...it was an accident?"

"Oh, so you _accidentally _threatened to bring a GUN onto school premises and shoot our dear Eric Cartman in the head?? IS THAT IT?"

Pip's eyes quite literally expanded. "I did no such thing!" he protested. "I would never threaten that! I don't even own a gun!"

"Har har har! You're not getting away with your tomfoolery this time! You are suspended for TWO WEEKS!"

Pip didn't think that he'd heard right for a second. "Uhm...sorry, what was that?"

"I said, you're suspended for two weeks!"

And that's how Pip's bad day could, quite awfully, get worse.

So, Pip arrived at the house in the darkest of spirits, wishing he could just sleep his pain away. He sighed and opened the door, tossing his backpack unceremoniously in the corner of the entryway, next to the coat rack. "What a miserable day this has been!" he remarked to the coat rack. Damien was surely going to wish Pip to do something quite exceedingly difficult and active, like Twister, or perhaps cleaning his room for him. Pip often wondered if Damien only kept him around for the amusing entertainment he seemed to provide.

Pip heard voices coming from down the hall. _They're talking about _it _again, _thought Pip irritably. It seemed every other second that they were talking about something quite secret, and they would stop whenever Pip entered the room. Pip wished he had the courage to ask Damien what they were conferring about, but he was sure it was nothing that he really needed to butt into, so there was no point to ask.

Pip walked in the direction of the voices, wondering if he could get away with eavesdropping. Of course, he'd never been able to before, because Jesus was always able to sense when he was near.

"We have to leave soon!" said Jesus. His tone of voice revealed that he was scared, but so determined at the same time, to leave to wherever they were going.

Wait, leave?

"Jesus, I think we have a little more time..." Damien's voice said hesitantly. He actually sounded...uncertain. Pip had only heard Damien uncertain once ever before.

"No, Jesus is right. We have to hurry before"-

"Before the ice cream parlor is closed!" Jesus cut in. Pip sighed. He'd been sensed. Damien walked out of the room, sighed with a bit of irritation, and asked whether Pip wanted to go get some ice cream.

"Sure..."

And so, Pip and Damien walked out of the house and down to the nearest ice cream parlor. Pip fidgeted, and finally said, "Damien, we don't have to get any ice cream, it's obvious you don't want any..."

"No, I want some."

As such, they entered the CoolRock Icery, and Damien ordered Pip a Triple Decker Peanut Butter Extravaganza Galore with Extra Chocolate, after Pip had said, "only just a small plain vanilla cone please!"

They sat down at one of the small tables, Damien with his Employee Charlie's Special: Candy Mountain, Pip with his Triple Decker Peanut Butter Extravaganza Galore with Extra Chocolate.

"So...how was staying home?" ventured Pip, for their awkward silence had reigned for about five minutes while they stuffed their faces with CoolRock perfection.

"It was fine."

"Oh."

More silence.

"How was school?" Damien inquired with a mouth full of a large Candy Corn.

"Erm...ok." _Miserable._

Damien nodded, not demanding any further answers.

Pip licked a Peanut Butter Cup from the top of the pile of cream.

Damien chewed his Candy Corn.

Pip slurped up some chocolate.

More silence.

"Oh, I got suspended for two weeks," Pip said as casually as he possibly could.

-Cough, Spit, Gag- "What??"

Pip nodded.

"What the fuck did you do?"

"Well, according to Cartman (I'm supposing), I threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot him."

Damien gave him a very deadpan look.

"Which, I didn't, of course!" Pip hastily added, not wishing for Damien to get mad at him on top of all the other crap that had happened during this dreadful day.

"Why not?"

Pip was about to explain how if he had he'd have gotten in trouble when he realized that Damien had been making a joke. "Er...well, still. I didn't do it, but Mr. Withers didn't believe me, so now I am in a heap of trouble..."

"That is completely sucky."

"But, your father doesn't need to worry, for I will stay out of the house as much as I can so I'm not a bother!"

"You don't need to do that," Damien said, laughing somewhat hesitantly. "Because...we won't be in the house..."

Pip inqured as to what that meant.

"It means that we're going on a trip," Damien replied.

"A trip? What kind of trip?"

Damien looked like he was having a horrible inner conflict with himself. "Erm, it's just a family reunion type thing," he finally responded.

"What kind of family reunion?"

"The kind where your family reunites!" Damien snapped. "Anyways, I don't know how long we'll be gone. A month, maybe?"

"A month at most?" Pip asked.

"No, more like at the least. If worst comes to worst, it could be a year!"

Pip's eyes widened considerably. "A year?? But...what will I do? I mean...uhm...where is this reunion at?" Pip knew better than to be so selfish as to only care about how he'd live while Damien was gone. If they wanted him to move back into his box, then so be it.

"What do you mean what will you do? You'll live in our house while we're gone and make sure nothing robs, spindles, or mutilates our house while we're away."

"I'll live there?" Pip immediately thought that was a bad idea. His 'friends' from school would most certainly follow him from school and rob, spindle, or mutilate the suburban home.

"Yeah...we aren't gonna send you back to the street! No matter how much Sarah would appreciate that..."

Pip nodded thoughtfully, already planning his route home from school as soon as he was allowed back so that no one might follow him.

"When are you leaving?" Pip wondered.

"Erm...tomorrow?"

"WHAT?"

**

* * *

**

The whole rest of the day was spent packing. It was almost like when Jesus and co. had moved in, only it seemed more like they were moving out. Which, since they were going to be gone for a year (at most), it kind of was like they were moving out. Sarah, of course, employed Pip to be her packer, and he folded all her clothes neatly into her various suitcases. He was rewarded with a few smacks on his poor blonde head, to which he cursed ("Bloody hell!") and ran out of the room.

Pip could not get Damien to open up about this trip he was taking at all. "Where is it at?" Pip had asked.

"Er...Hungaria," Damien replied.

Pip frowned. "Isn't that in Europe?"

"Sure..."

-5 minutes later...Pip has a realization-

"HEY! Hungaria isn't even a country!"

To which Damien had replied with a mysterious, "Oh, I think otherwise."

Pip tried many more inquiries as well, but Damien didn't want to give him any straight answers.

"How are you traveling there?"

"Oh, in a vehicle of some sort, I'm assuming."

"Who are you staying with?"

"Somebody."

"How long are you going to be gone?"

"I've already gone over that."

"How do you not know how long you're going to be gone?!?"

"Oh, just a good guess."

Pip was getting fed up (and slighty freaked out) with Damien. What if Damien never came back? What if they were going down to hell and Damien just didn't want to have to explain it to him?

That night, everything was packed and put in the living room, close to the entryway, so that it might be taken out to their cars the next morning. Pip stared at the mass of suitcases and felt a pang in his heart.

Damien was leaving.

_Of course, it's not as though I really care or anything... _Pip thought. _I mean, he's coming back...I hope...I need to toughen up, I can't be such a baby about everything all the time! I don't care that Damien is leaving, and that's that!_

"What??"

Pip realized he'd said that last sentence quite out loud. "Er...nothing!"

Damien glared in a somewhat perturbed way.

Pip sighed in a somewhat humiliated way.

Pip could not fall asleep that night.

**

* * *

**

"Hurry up!" Sarah's shrill voice rang through the house. "You're moving way too slow!"

She was, of course, talking to Pip, whom she had forced into transporting her bags into the car she would be riding in. Pip carried as many as he could without breaking his back, but of course, he was moving way too slow.. "Carry faster!" Sarah said, with a decently painful kick to his backside.

Damien glared in Sarah's direction and lightened some of Pip's load. "Here buddy, lemme help you with _Sarah's _bags," he said, looking directly at Sarah as he said this. "Because _Sarah's _bags need to be in the car RIGHT NOW, or else the world will explode, right Sarah?"

"Right!" The contempt had clearly bounced right off of her.

Getting everybody's bags into the car was a difficult task indeed, for quite a few (coughcoughSarahcoughcough) felt like they needed to be first. It was a riot of messy shoving and pushing, and Pip swore that he was bleeding after he pushed his way back through the pit of people.

"FUCK!"

"My arm!"

"Watch where you're going!"

"FUCK!"

Such was the family.

Soon enough, everything was ready. Pip could barely fight the tears that had welled up in his eyes. He was going to be all alone again, only this time, it wasn't merely because nobody liked him, but because the only person who liked him had gone 58984029 miles away. (Pip didn't quite believe that anyone in the family but Damien liked him all that much.) The two cars that everyone had been stuffed into were quite literally stuffed, and Pip noted with discomfort that Sarah and Damien were squished together in the back seat of one of them. _Oh pshaw! _Pip said to himself, attempting to not look at them.

"Okay Pip, we'll be on our way now," said Satan, who was the only one who hadn't yet gotten into the car, as he'd be driving. "Darling, you be safe alright! No talking to strangers, no letting strangers into the house, no making strangers a 5-course meal, no making strangers an 8-course meal, no making strangers a 17.5 course meal, no"-

"Okay, I quite understand," Pip interrupted. "Erm...bye now," he said awkwardly.

Satan then did something Pip was absolutely not expecting. He gave Pip a big hug, right around the shoulders. "Dearie, you're just as much my son as Damien is, so please, do remember that I worry..."

Pip was shocked. He had never been hugged before, at least, not that he could remember clearly. And surely there was no way Satan actually thought of him as a son. He was no way near good enough to be someone's son... "Erm...okay...I'll be good! And I won't trash your house!"

Satan gave Pip a last pat on the back, and then let go. He got in the car, turned on the engine, as well as Jesus did in his car. Pip watched with agony as both cars drove away. Away. Gone. Leaving. The last sight Pip had of Damien was him waving at Pip through the back window. Pip barely had the heart to wave back, but he did so anyway. His soul felt somewhat detached from his body, like he wasn't even really there.

They were gone.

Pip walked back into the house, emotionless, feeling more numb than anything. _I guess this is what it's like to be emo, _Pip mused to himself. He was about to go plop down on the couch and just sit, mulling over his utter loneliness (even though they had just left), when he noticed something.

One of Sarah's bags had been left behind.

It was not a fancy bag, in any way shape or form. It was just large, probably the largest suitcase that any of the family had. It was brown, and brown. Just brown. And, Pip noted with an amused giggle, he could probably fit into it.

_Now wouldn't that be a funny sight! _Pip laughed to himself, amazed that something could make him laugh even though he was so miserable/numb. _Yeah, I could probably just stuff myself in there...and no one would even notice...I could even be like a spy, and hide away...wouldn't that be nice..._

And in that instant, Pip found himself rapidly unzipping the bag. He didn't know what he was doing, or why the hell he was doing it. All he knew was that Sarah was sure to realize that one of her bags had been left behind, and she would want to come back and retrieve it. Soon. Pip wondered why Sarah had chosen such a large suitcase for so few items, for there was not much inside of the bag. Pip shrugged, not really caring, jumped inside, and zipped it from the inside as far as he could..

_It's hot in here._

And, not 15 seconds later, Pip heard the front door slam open, and Sarah's voice reverberated through the living room. "PIP! Come here! Help me get my bag!" -pause- "PIP!" -another pause- "Oh fuck him," she finally said, and started dragging the bag out to the car. "He's probably crying anyways...Damien! Help me! This bag is heavy! Goddamn...help me get it into the car! Hey, what the hell are you doing?? Put it in the car, not under it! Goddamit Damien!"

Pip was quite jostled around by this occurence, and tried as hard as he could not to scream. Or puke. Finally, he deduced that he had been laid quite comfortably into the car that Sarah was in, and that they hadn't realized he was there.

Pip heard the car turn on.

He felt it rev up.

He knew they were driving away from South Park.

He was going with Damien to his family reunion.

_What have I done???_

**

* * *

**

So...

Whatcha think of that?

PipsiePip is very brave now isn't he?

Hahahahaha.

This chapter was a bit sucky, I admit.

But don't worry, next chapter I think will be better.

I think.

I'm pretty sure I know what's going on next chapter.

If you have...

**THIS STORY ON ALERT: **please review it.

**FAVORITED THIS STORY: **please review it.

**DONE BOTH: **please review it.

**DONE NEITHER: **please review it.

have a nice day!


	12. Are We In Hungaria Yet?

Dude, thanks so much for all the responses I got!

I can't believe so many people like this story!

Look at that...64 reviews...shit.

That's a lot.

Even though this story still has around 5 or so chapters left, I feel as if I need to thank you all for EVERYTHING.

All of your support has been wondrous. Spectacular. Phenomenal.

I can't believe that **_I_** could get this many reviews.

I'm somewhat amazed. I didn't have nearly as much confidence when I started this story as I do now.

Thank you guys so much...it's all because of you. (at least, you reviewers you.)

ATTENTION MYSPACE USERS: Go to www . myspace . com / kernkraft40012345. Without the spaces, of course. And listen to Zombie Nation Remix. Isn't techno great? Hee hee.

Disclaimer:Guess what? You're not going to believe this! I OWN SOUTH PARK! Just like I own iPod/iTunes/iWhatever, eHarmony, and the whole world's Jewish population. Yes yes, you aren't going to believe this, but they are all my _slaves. _Slaves, I say!

**Chapter 11 - Are We In Hungaria Yet?**

Pip was most uncomfortable in the brown suitcase. Sure, Pip wasn't an exceedingly large guy, being only around 5'2" or 5'3", but that didn't mean that he wasn't incredibly cramped and muggy in Sarah's baggage. Besides the fact that his limbs were bent in a way that God had certainly not intended humans to bend, it was just about impossible to breathe, and smelled strongly of perfume and girlish shampoos. He wished he'd left a small hole open with the zipper when he had originally gotten in, but he had not wanted any chance of being found by Sarah, who would definitely have kicked him out before they even left the house. Pip debated with himself whether or not to unzip the trunk just a tiny bit, for some fresh air.

_Oh, they'll most certainly hear me, _Pip thought. But, he felt that he'd rather get caught than suffocate to death. So, he elected to unzip the bag about an inch. Pip instantly put his head somewhere near the hole and gulped in a large breath of semi-fresh-in-the-trunk-of-the-car air. It felt like what Heaven most certainly felt like, to gulp up non-perfume scented air. He waited in anxiety for a minute, however, wanting to know if he'd been heard. He then realized that, being in the trunk, it was most likely they wouldn't hear and/or notice him just barely unzipping the suitcase.

Pip sat back against a bundle of clothes and made himself as comfortable as he possibly could. The trunk was just large enough that he could sit with his knees bent in a slightly awkward position, under his body like a pretzel. He scooched around for a minute, and finally got himself into a position where he could sit in half-contentment.

And then the worries started kicking in.

_What the deuce am I going to do when they find me? _Pip thought. _For, they most certainly will find me. I'm in one of Sarah's trunks, there's no way she won't open it! _Pip wondered just how much he'd get beaten up for this atrocity. For this was an atrocious atrocity indeed. Sarah would most likely kill him, or worse. Sarah could do much worse than killing, and though Pip had not yet experienced her full wrath, he was quite sure he didn't want to. _And Damien will be quite indignant, I know! I wish I could tell them to take me back so they wouldn't be mad at me, but we've been driving for a fairly long while, and they wouldn't want to drive me back...they might just leave me on the side of the street! I wouldn't put it past Sarah..._

Pip let his worries overtake him after that, and started praying to God for them to not be too awfully irritated with him.

Pip found that he could hear whatever was going on in the car from where the suitcase had been placed. He didn't know quite where he was, but it seemed he was near Sarah's side of the back seat, because he could hear her the most. And the loudest. Pip cursed them for putting the bags near Sarah for this reason, since she made some very annoying comments indeed, and he could hear all her praise and love for Damien, only he couldn't really hear Damien rebutt her.

"Wow, it's so nice here!" he heard Sarah comment. He did not hear what anyone said in reply, if anyone said anything.

"You know what makes this whole trip even better, Damien?" Sarah asked. Pip heard a very muffled "what?" from Damien. "The fact that Pip isn't here!"

Pip couldn't hear if Damien had said anything in his defense, but Pip was pretty sure he hadn't. Pip felt something that felt like a very large ice cube settle somewhere in his abdominal regions. He was going to ruin the trip just by being here! _I shouldn't have come, this was a stupid idea, I don't even want to meet Damien's family! I'm just going to ruin everything, and make everyone so angry!_

The thought suddenly occured to Pip that if Damien had any family they'd most certainly not be going anywhere but Heaven or Hell. Pip wondered whether they were really going to a family reunion. _And, if they were traveling out of the country, we would have gone to Denver, which is much closer than this, so I'm almost positive that we aren't going to Hungaria - I mean Hungary - because, if we were, we'd have gone to the airport in Denver. So...we're going somewhere in America..._

Pip wondered if perhaps he was underestimating the very Godly family he was traveling with.

Four more hours passed in this particular fashion: Pip being very hungry and thirsty and warm and having to go to the bathroom. Pip blanched, realizing that he would have to go soon, and he didn't know when he'd get the chance. He started to panic, as he knew very well how Sarah would get if he pissed all over her stuff.

And then they stopped.

"Why the hell are we at a gas station?" Sarah asked haughtily.

"Because we need to get gas," Damien replied. When the car wasn't moving, Pip could hear just about everything. He heard Satan and John darling-ing each other, and Damien and Sarah get out of the car (with Sarah giving Damien a few darlings of her own). Soon, Satan and John were both out of the car as well. Pip was almost positive that those were the only people who had been in the car. Satan said something about getting gas after he "got rid of this dreadful stomach ache!" They both walked away, presumably, to the restrooms.

_Now is my chance, _Pip thought. If this car was a newer car, then it'd have a latch somewhere on the inside of the trunk to open it from the inside. Pip unzipped the bag and felt around the dark area. "Aha!" He found the latch, and opened the trunk. The other car, which Jesus, Mary, and Peter, had been in, was vacant, as well as the one Pip was in. It seemed everyone was inside the store either using the restroom or buying food.

Pip made a run for the nearest grass.

He unzipped his pants.

He looked back over his shoulder, and his eyes bulged, for Sarah was at the counter!

He peed faster.

He zipped his pants back up.

He ran as fast as he possibly could back to the car. Everything was fine, he was going to make it back to the trunk, he wasn't going to be seen...

And Pip realized he'd shut the trunk, and that it'd locked itself, like most trunks did when they were shut.

"Oh fuck!" Pip screeched (a most out of character thing for him to screech indeed), and made a run for the front door, where he could pop the trunk from the little latch on the floor. He glanced up at Sarah at the counter, and panicked more, seeing her get change handed back to her. He made for the trunk, which was now open, and jumped inside, shutting the lid. He heard Sarah get back in the car, so he obviously hadn't been seen by her, and she had made no move to investigate, which he knew she would've had she saw anything. _I MADE IT! _He sighed with relief, for he knew he'd just barely escaped the mess that being seen would have caused. He fumbled around until he got back in the suitcase, and zipped it shut once more, only leaving a more considerable airhole this time.

Pip felt like the luckiest guy on the planet.

**

* * *

**

Around ten minutes after Pip's near-sighting, the family had set back out on the road. It felt like they had been driving for 49328 hours, and Pip was so beside himself with boredom and uncomfortable-ness that he was about to yell to Damien that he existed, even if it meant getting yelled at himself and possibly getting left on the side of the road. Pip had been just about to do that too, when fortunately, just as he was taking a breath to shout, the car came to a sudden stop. Pip knew it wasn't traffic, because the car had been turned off.

He heard the trunk open, and suddenly his suitcase was being dragged out! "Oof!" Pip whisper-yelled as he was thrown somewhat unceremoniously onto the ground. It was very quiet besides the idle chatter between the family, so Pip was mightily confused. They surely weren't already at the family reunion? They hadn't even really slowed down, like they had come across a town or anything. They had just stopped, as if on the shoulder of the freeway.

"Man, this is so cool!" Sarah said with a gleeful air to her voice.

"Oh, it's not going to be that fun. It's going to take a really long time," Damien said, pessimistic as ever.

"But we'll get to see the stars UP CLOSE!"

"We see the sun all the time." Damien sounded very sarcastic.

"But stars that AREN'T the sun, I mean!"

Pip wondered what in all seven hells they were talking of. What did Sarah mean by seeing the stars up close? The only way to do that would be to go into space, and surely they were not going into space for Damien's family reunion. If there was even a family reunion at all. Either way, Pip was still horribly confused about Sarah's star comment.

Pip felt himself being moved, and hefted up onto something. He decided that he'd probably been lifted onto one of those luggage carrier things.

"Man, I need Pip here just so that he can do all this work for me!" Sarah complained.

"Sarah, stop talking about Pip like he's your slave," Damien commented angrily.

"Oh, I don't force him to work for me. I just ask, and he doesn't object!"

"That's because Pip actually has a heart, unlike some people I know," Damien responded.

"Pip doesn't have a heart, he's just too weak to fight back because he's a lameass."

Pip felt ice run through his veins. It wasn't because Sarah was insulting him; it was cause she was telling the truth.

"Well, it makes sense. That's how he was brought up, by Mr. Mackey! Oh, you don't know Mr. Mackey, but this guy told Pip to be nice to everyone no matter how rude they were to him, and people are bitches and take advantage of his kindness. Kind of like you."

"I do NOT take advantage of him!" Sarah retorted, sounding very bitchy indeed.

"Yeah, you kind of do. Pip would do anything for anyone, and you repay him by yelling at him and hitting him all the time! You know, if you lived the kind of life he had, you'd have killed yourself long ago! Of course, you're kind of undead, but that isn't the point."

"Are you saying that Pip has a miserable life or something?"

"Duh! He has no family, he lived on the streets for _5 years_, he has probably been beaten up thirty-some-odd times in his lifetime, and yet he still manages to believe that there is a good in everyone and tries to make himself the best he can be for everyone else! If that isn't strong, I don't know what is."

_Oh, I've been beaten up more than thirty times..._

Pip could almost hear Sarah roll her eyes. "Oh, save it Damien. If Pip were a strong person he'd have made some friends and stood up to his teachers and the bus driver and his foster parents, and you know what? Pip didn't do that! Okay? I bet we're going to go back to the house and it's going to be trashed because Pip will be too weak to tell the dumb high schoolers that they can't throw a party there!"

Pip felt tears welling up. She was telling the truth. He knew he wouldn't fight back if that situation were ever to occur. He could never stand up for himself, that was the way he'd been taught by Mr. Mackey, but now that he had long since realized Mr. Mackey was wrong, there was nothing he could do about it, for the damage was already done. It was like burning a pancake; sure, you turned the oven down when you realized it was burning, but turning the oven down didn't unburn the pancake. _She's absolutely completely utterly positively right..._

"Sarah, I'd shut up if I were you," Damien said, obviously not able to think of a correct defense for Pip. Damien thought it just as true as Sarah and Pip did.

**

* * *

**

Pip had felt himself be rolled up a ramp of some sort, though he didn't know why he'd have been rolled up a ramp. Perhaps he was being rolled onto a plane. Pip wondered if Damien and co. had some sort of a private jet or something, because there was no way they'd gotten on a normal flight, considering that there was absolutely no one but them; but, Pip could tell that they were flying. It was a feeling he'd felt once, coming to South Park from England after the whole Estella incident. However, this feeling was considerably less loud, and more like they were going straight up than lifting off in the fashion that a plane does.

Sarah's suitcases were deposited somewhere, in what Pip was sure was a cargo hold of some type. Pip wondered how long the flight was going to be, for he needed to use the bathroom again. And soon.

Pip waited in boredom for about 2 hours, he estimated. It must've been something around that much, give or take a half hour or so. He felt unnaturally queasy on this plane, though he remembered being absolutely fine on the flight from England. Perhaps in his teenage years he had acquired motion sickness.

Pip heard Sarah's voice then. It was yelling something about the moon looking huge. Pip didn't understand why she would be talking about the moon. _Well, maybe it's nighttime, and the moon is very beautiful tonight, _Pip reasoned with himself. _Or maybe the moon just looks exceptionally beautiful from a plane. I have never seen the moon from a plane before. _

It was only a few minutes later that Pip heard Sarah's voice again, and closer. She was saying something along the lines of "Damien, I need your help unpacking!" Pip was completely baffled. _Why are they unpacking on a plane?? I can tell we're still moving!_ Pip came up with a reason for this, though. _She is merely recruiting him to help her as soon as they get to...wherever it is that they're going. For they are surely not going to Hungaria, because that is not a country._

And then Pip heard a door open, and Sarah's voice became all the clearer. "Damien, just look at this place! It's so wonderful! I can't believe I actually get to live here!"

Pip was so horribly confused now.

"It's not that great, Sarah," Damien muttered. He sounded depressed. Like he had just lost one of his favorite items or something. _This is all completely weird, I don't understand, we're still moving! _Pip could not understand why you would live on a plane, for plane rides did not last more than a day. Maybe they were going underwater? Pip wondered. That seemed like the only other place they could've gone, although there was no ocean anywhere near Colorado, and they would've had to travel down through California just to get to the ocean. Besides, how do you see the moon from underwater? A fleeting thought passed through Pip's head that they were in space. But he completely dismissed that notion, because that was impossible, and there was absolutely no reason for Damien and co. to travel into space anyways.

"Oh, it is great! And I have such a great view from this room!" said Sarah. She sounded overly excited over the view from this room.

"Sarah, all the views are the same!"

"No, I have the coolest window." Pip concluded that he was in Sarah's room that she'd be staying in, and that in a minute she was going to start unpacking her stuff.

_Oh crap._

He heard bags unzipping, and Sarah giving Damien specific orders as to where all of her stuff went. Pip heard shuffling around, and he tensed himself, for he knew, any minute now, he was going to be discovered. _Dear God...I'm sorry that I've been so rebellious lately...I'm really sorry I snuck into this trunk to be with Damien and away from all those bullies! Please don't let Damien throw me out of the plane, or wherever it is we are, for I am dreadfully sorry and will do anything to make it up to him and Sarah and You and everyone! _Pip kept his hands painfully folded, his nails biting into his opposite knuckles.

And then he heard the zip.

"What the hell?"

He'd been found.

Pip felt himself being grabbed by the ear and dragged out of the suitcase. The hand felt like it must be Sarah's, for it was delicate and soft. Although, Damien had soft fingers too, Pip remembered. He remembered quite fondly indeed. Pip shook the thoughts of Damien's wonderful fingers out of his head and opened his eyes. They came in contact with none other than Damien, who was across the room. _Ok, so Sarah _is _holding me...by the ear..._

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE _YOU _DOING HERE?" Damien yelled. He sounded quite angry. Pip flinched and stared down at a metallic floor.

"Yeah, Pip, what the hell? Why the fuck did you stow away in _my _bag?? Now my stuff is all contaminated!"

Pip wrenched himself away from Sarah's painful grip and stood upright on the floor. He rubbed at his ear. "I hate you," he muttered to Sarah.

"The feeling's mutual!" she screeched. And then she proceeded to throw a Bible at Pip's blonde head.

"OW!" Pip wished he'd just stayed at Damien's house. They were both so mad at him, as would the rest of the family. Pip stared at the ground, and then muttered softly, "I'm really sorry..."

"Why are you here?" Damien sounded a lot less angry this time.

"I...uh...just wanted to come, and..." Pip rubbed the back of his neck embarrassedly. "Erm..."

Sarah grabbed Pip by the ear again and dragged him from the room. "You...you are the most annoying sinful creature I have ever had the misfortune to meet! Stay away from my room!"

She slammed the door shut.

Pip shrunk from the door, staring at it in utter dejection. _This is the absolute stupidest thing I've ever done...I'll surely never be forgiven now..._

A second later, the door opened, and Damien came out of the room. Pip backed up, fully expecting Damien to teach him a well needed lesson. In pain. "Hey, stop being so scared of me," said Damien in an exasperated way. "I'm not gonna hurt you or anything, Pip..."

Pip gulped and stepped a little closer, but then Damien grabbed his arm (not too roughly) and starting pulling him off down the hall. "Here, we'll go to my room, that'll be a little bit better than being in this hallway. I think you have some explaining to do."

Pip nodded and allowed himself to be dragged off by Damien. He noted when he passed by a window that the moon was rather large from where they were, and quite beautiful. Sarah had been speaking the truth. And he could see just about a million stars, it seemed. This was an interesting plane indeed.

The hall was curved in a circular fashion, and it seemed that Damien's room was on the complete opposite end of the circle hall than Sarah's. Pip felt great relief knowing that Sarah would have to walk this far just to bug Damien, had she ever wanted to. Which he was sure she would.

Pip passed by another window, and decided that the Earth looked very beautiful from this angle. It was truly a blue planet. Pip thought he saw a hurricane in the mess of clouds that covered the sphere. It was one of the most frightening and exhilariting things he'd ever seen, to be able to actually see the top of a hurricane. _I truly live on the most beautiful landmark in the universe... _Pip and Damien passed by the window, Pip mulling over the beauty of his planet.

And then Pip realized that he had just seen Earth. And that, for him to see it...

He couldn't be on it.

**

* * *

**

So...

A twist.

I hope you guys don't mind twists.

For this twist is important to the plot of the story.

I hope you guys don't mind actual plots instead of pointless fluff either.

Haha.

I know I sometimes feel like that.

But I'm going to try and not change the fluffy humor of the story too much...now there's just actual suspense.

Ima sorry.

**Readers, and  
****Each  
****Viewer;  
****I  
****Expect  
****Wondrous  
****Stuff said to me.**

**Or not so wondrous stuff said. Just any kind of stuff.**


	13. Ur Mama Lives In A SpaceStation

So, I posted a chapter and then went and watched the Super Bowl.

I came back, 4 hours later, and I had already gotten 5 reviews.

Not to mention, within another hour, I had gotten another.

I am so f-ing amazed you wouldn't even believe it.

_**I'll give a cookie (virtual, of course) to anyone who can find the 1984 reference in this chapter. :D**_

**ATTENTION: **Yeah, about the romance. It's going to happen, don't worry! It just won't happen until the last chapter. I'll be making more hints at it, don't worry! I just don't like really sappy mushy guys-getting-together-after-knowing-each-other-for-a-week type romances. So I'm trying not to have that happen with Damien and Pip. I'm sorry, just be patient please...

Disclaimer: U-Uhm...I, uh...I own...S-South P-P-Park, just like, uhm, I own, uhm, Post-It Notes, and, er...Office Depot, and, uhmmm...the Indianapolis Colts, who, like, uhm, won the Super Bowl...

**Chapter 12 - Ur Mama Lives In A SpaceStation**

"Damien, I must say, I'm quite baffled," said Pip, trembling, as he pressed himself up against the window, staring at his home planet. From space. _Space._ Pip would never have even imagined that he could ever see Earth from such an angle as this. He'd always thought he'd need money for something like this.

"Er...I figured you would be. Let's head to my room, I'll attempt to explain everything there," Damien said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Pip had never seen Damien look embarrassed about anything before, so this was quite an occurence for Pip to hold forever in his memory.

Pip thought that the spaceship they were on (since, to be in space, they most certainly had to be on a spaceship, right?) was quite like Star Trek. Pip had seen just one episode, at Token's 12th birthday party, but he was absolutely certain that this was somewhat like it. Only, hopefully, somewhat smaller. The floors, and walls, and ceilings, and anything else, was made of shiny metal of some type. Pip didn't know anything about types of metals, so he just told himself it was titanium to tide him over. All along the walls, and random intervals, were little lights and switches and mechanical buttons that Pip was sure did something, but could not imagine what. The lights were all built into the wall, along the hallway, just before the ceiling.

Pip wondered why he had thought that Sarah had slammed her door earlier, since, after entering Damien's room, it was quite obvious that the doors 'swooshed!'. Pip watched in awe as Damien pressed a code into a small keypad by the door, and the door swooshed open in a very Star Trek way. Damien grabbed Pip's arm and dragged him inside.

The room was definitely something that Pip never imagined he would see. It wasn't overly large, or overly decorated, or overly shiny, or overly cozy, or overly anything really. It was just about the same as the hallway, except more like a square than a rectangle. Pip noticed another swooshy door over on the side of room, though he didn't have a clue what it would be for. The bed was quite large, bigger than a King Size. Like, it was an Emperor Sized bed. The window was also very large indeed; it took up almost the entire wall opposite of the door. Pip instantly ran to this window and pressed himself up against it, and saw, over on the right, the Earth again. Pip was so utterly in shock from this that he lost his footing (though he wasn't even moving), and fell flat on his very British arse.

"Yeah, I see you noticed the fact that we are not quite on Earth anymore," Damien said, trying to sound casual, but failing quite shamefully.

"Uhm, well, I just noticed a little bit," Pip replied, somewhat in a daze still. Damien beckoned for Pip to come sit on the bed, saying something about how the floor was so uncomfortable, you don't really want to sit there?

Pip plopped himself down on the doubleplusEmperorSized bed, instantly melting into the feathers. Since living in his foster home, (more than five years earlier), he had only laid in a bed once (when he was at Damien's and had fainted), and even then he hadn't gotten to actually sleep a night. Of course, he didn't get to sleep a night on this Heavenly contraption either, but it still was a feeling he never felt. His foster home beds had been lumpy and painful.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

_Oh yeah. We're in space. _"So...space, eh?" Pip said, obviously attempting to, as Damien had done, start off a very serious conversation in the most nonchalant way possible.

"Yeah...space..."

"That's, erm...cool?"

Damien sighed in a very irritated way. "Okay, so yeah, you're wondering, 'what the fuck are we doing in space??'"

"Just a tiny bit."

"So, this is kind of weird, and I can't exactly explain it to you without telling you the thing that you obviously realized that we were keeping a secret from you."

Pip nodded. "Well...I mean, erm, I can try and get someone else to explain it to me, erm, I dunno."

"No, I can do it, I just need to think of a good way to say it..." Damien put his hand on his chin and looked relatively thoughtful. Or, he was thinking a lot. He wasn't really being all too kind and caring, at least, not anymore than normal. He was just thinking a lot.

"Okay," Damien finally said. "So, you know how I said that we were going to a family reunion?"

Pip nodded.

"Well, I wasn't altogether lying. It is, in essence, me reuniting with a member of my family..."

"Who?" Pip asked. And then, he realized that he had just interrupted his best friend, and hastily began to apologize.

"Oh, don't worry, I was getting there anyways," Damien replied with a grin. Then, as he got ready to speak again, the grin quite vanished. "It's...well, in truth, my mother."

It hit Pip, like a moderately large piano being dropped on his head, that he had never once thought about the absence of Damien's mother. He had never given her one thought; he had never even entertained the idea that Damien didn't even have a mom. His mother had just simply never crossed his mind.

Damien was silent, so Pip decided to try and continue the conversation. "Why is your mother in space?"

Pip had asked this question in such an innocent, and utterly cute, way, that Damien laughed in an insane fashion. Pip was perturbed, wondering what he had done to make Damien laugh at him so. "What? I'm confused!"

"Oh, it's just the way you said it, is all," said Damien after a full half-minute, for he had had to get himself under control. "Anyways, why is my mother in space? you might be asking. Or, you are asking, because you just asked that. Well...she is, for utter lack of a better way to describe, evil."

Pip cocked his eyebrow. "Erm...may I inquire as to why we are going to see her then?"

Damien could not seem to conjure up a good answer for that particular question. Many times it appeared that he was going to say something, be he did not. His hands moved in large gestures, twirling gestures, gestures that he was trying to think of a word, but he never said anything.

Pip just sat staring innocently at his friend.

And of course, Pip spaced off a bit as he looked at Damien's hand movements. For, Damien's obnoxious gestures brought attention to his hands, and Pip's attention being brought to Damien's hand made him remember Damien's soft pillowy fingers that had so graced his face not so very long ago. And, in turn, remembering what had already happened led to imagine what could possibly happen.

_"Pip, come here..."_

_"What is it Damien?"_

_"I just want...to touch you..."_

_"Why...Damien...what are you..."_

_"Just relax...this'll feel good..._

Pip did not believe he could have gotten any redder than he did at that moment. And Damien noticed this change in demeanor, for it was quite obvious. Pip felt shame sink down upon him...he had just imagined him and Damien in a..._situation. _That was like mind-molesting a young child, or at least, it was just as shameful.

"Pip? Are you alright?" Damien asked, obviously glad of a topic change.

"Erm...yes, I was just, uhm, thinking...could you please explain to me why we're visiting your mother?" Pip asked, not quite as glad for the topic change as Damien was, and attempted to get right back on the original topic.

"Well...alright. This is going to sound a bit odd. Do you know the story of Adam and Eve?" Damien asked.

"Well, yes. They were the first people put here by God. But...Eve was tempted by the snake, and she ate the fruit that God forbade her to eat. And then, she had Adam eat it too. And then they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden."

"Yeah. That's the story, alright...so, if you were Adam, and you had just gotten kicked out of the Garden of Eden, how would you feel?"

Pip pondered this question for a good half minute. Finally, he responded. "Well, I'd feel absolutely and completely ashamed of myself," Pip said. "I disobeyed God, and in turn I got what was coming for me, is basically what I'd think."

"Well...not to sound like a bitch, but I'd be pissed. Pissed as Cartman gets when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock. I mean, it wasn't my fault, it was Eve's, wasn't it?"

"No. She didn't forcefeed it down your -- Adam's -- throat."

"Still..." Damien looked flustered, like Pip had ruined one of his main points. "My point is that, in reality, Adam was very mad. I don't know what became of Eve, but Adam was pissed as Cartman when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock, believe me. Maybe even pissed as Cartman when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock and Kyle has just pointed out another of his immoralities."

Pip's face took on an expression of much confusion. "But...Adam certainly died, did he not?"

"Well of course he died, you dipshit! He was only human! But, after he died, he...he kind of...escaped from Hell, and...he was very angry with God. VERY angry. And so, he has come up with an elaborate plan to destroy God's existence."

Pip let this information sink in a minute. A threat on God's very existence? Was that even possible? God is God; He was God, nothing could hurt Him in anyway. God can't be threatened, God couldn't be hurt, and God most certainly could not be killed. "Damien, I am afraid I must admit, yet again, that I am confused. For, God can't be destroyed! God is God; He can't be hurt, He can't be killed, nothing can stop Him."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. Because, when I say that Adam wants to destroy God's existence, I don't mean that Adam wants to kill Him. He just wants to get rid of God, for good. And, to do so, he's come up with a plan to...well, basically, find God, and trap Him. Trap Him in a hell, not Hell, but a place much worse."

"Trap Him???" Pip thought this was the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard, but he didn't tell Damien that.

"Yeah..." Damien seemed to sense that Pip did not believe him. "Hey, stop doubting me! I know exactly what's going on!"

"Where does your mother play in?"

"I was getting there! I hadn't even explained how Adam's Hell worked yet..."

Pip had the feeling that he didn't really want to know. "Er...well, you can explain that then, I guess..."

"Okay, Adam's Hell (which we name it, because it's not like he has told us it's real name) is like a jail cell. It's large; Adam could put the whole Earth in it if he wanted to, but he'd rather see the Earthlings (and every creature) suffer terribly when he entraps God. So, basically, all he has to is find God, and he can do a kind of spell and put God into this hell. As soon as God is in Adam's Hell...there is no escaping. No one can escape that place. In Adam's Hell, there are tortures that you couldn't even imagine! In fact, even as Satan's son, _I _can't imagine them. You get trapped in this place, and you can't escape, and you're tortured pretty much for forever. Sounds a bit funky, huh?"

"Sure..."

"Yeah, it is. Adam has been coming up with this hell plan for a long time, we believe." The 'we' that Damien referred to was obviously Satan, Jesus, Mary, Sarah, John, and Peter. And perhaps more; Pip hadn't a clue. "So, around the Dark Ages, Adam tried to trap God for the first time. The Dark Ages sucked ass because God had to keep quiet, or Adam would find Him. That's basically why our world is such a hellhole (no pun intended). Ever since around the Dark Ages, or maybe even before that, I'm not too sure of the details, God has not been able to do His miracles. You know how in the Bible God comes down to Earth and talks to all the prophets and crap?"

Pip nodded, for he had read the Bible once, while he was on the streets. He had found a practically ruined one on the side of the street, and had taken it upon himself to read the whole thing.

"Okay, so as soon as God realized that whenever He did a 'miracle', per se, Adam could find Him (for he has a radar of some sort, we think), God has stopped doing any real miracles. People think God has done great things for them, but He hasn't, because He can't."

"So...any prayer I've ever said to God is irrelevent?" Pip asked, a cold ice once again settling in his stomach.

"Not exactly..." Damien sighed. "God can hear all of your prayers, but they're more of an annoyance to Him, since He can't do anything about it."

Pip felt guilt seep through his veins. All this time, whenever he'd been asking God for help, he'd only been annoying Him. He'd merely been being a pest and possibly distracting God from more imporant issues. Like being assassinated.

"Anyways, what I'm saying is that, Adam can't find God if God doesn't do any miracles. Sounds all fine and dandy, it's worked for however many years, you know?"

Pip nodded.

"Well...God did a miracle. Around three months ago. It wasn't a big, world-changing miracle. In fact, none of us even know what the miracle was, since we never heard of anything great or spectacular happening around the globe. We did research, read every newspaper from New York to China, looked at all the stupid things on the internet...we found nothing. But...God did something. And now, Adam knows where He is. And Adam is going to attack Him, and soon. Adam is just waiting for the right moment, because he doesn't know we know that he knows where God is. So, we need to go and trap Adam in a section of Hell that my dad has created, which is almost exactly like Adam's Hell."

Pip felt himself overload with information, and fell back on his back on the bed. "Damien...this is the absolute weirdest experience I've ever had..."

"I know."

Pip sighed, and trembled. He was in space, and chasing after the first ever man on Earth, because this man wanted to kill God. "This is...crazy..."

"Oh yeah, and my mom's his accomplice."

"WHAT?"

Damien laughed bitterly. "Yep. Her name is Lily. There is a huge long complicated story behind all this, but basically, Lily (since I can't even call her my mother) got horribly mad at God. So, she joined forces with Adam."

"But your dad is gay." Pip covered his mouth in mortification. That had been a stupid thing to say!

"Erm..." Damien sighed. "Yeah, that's kind of her fault. He was completely straight until she came along...she did something horrible to him, which he won't even tell me, and left me with him after I was born to go to Adam. Basically...she abandoned me." He sounded so resentful that Pip begged him not to talk of her anymore. "She's important to my story though! Oh, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, if she wasn't the accomplice of the person trying to trap God in eternal torture, then I might feel sad. But...she is truly one of the absolute most sinful beings in the Universe, second only to Adam and Cartman. I'm glad she abandoned me. If she had taken me with her...I'd be your enemy right now. Well, not yours, since I'd have never met you...anyways, what I mean, is that I'm fucking glad she abandoned me. I'm not sad talking about her, just pissed as Hell."

Pip nodded, feeling even more overwhelmed than before. This Lily person was Damien's enemy...and she was his mother! "Wow...I am...completely...overwhelmed..."

"You should be."

Pip went to the head of the bed and laid his head down on a pillow. "Damien, why are we in space then?"

"Adam and Lily -- and I'm sure all of their henchmen -- are living on a planet somewhere in the next arm, Sagittarius, I think."

"Arm?" Pip was confused.

"Yeah, you know, how we live in the Orion Arm part of the Milky Way?" Damien obviously thought Pip very ignorant.

"Oh...oh yeah..." Pip knew what he was talking about now. Duh.

"Anyways, yeah, they have their home in a spacestation somewhere on a planet in that arm. And...we're traveling there to imprision him the evil hell my Dad came up with. So...that's why we're in space, and why my mother is a part of this at all. Happy now?"

Pip replied, "Well, not happy. This is all very frightening, you see! I am glad of you telling me all this, but certainly not glad of the situation we are in." Pip sucked in a long breath. "Damien, I am so terribly sorry that I followed you...if I had known that I'd be in the way of something so important, I'd certainly have stayed at your house!" Pip felt quite annoyed and angry with himself. It seemed that he messed up everything he came in contact with, whether it be Damien or God himself.

"Oh, it's not that big of a deal," Damien said. "I'm glad for the company. It's not like you'll really be in the way...you can just stay on the ship while we do our thing. Of course, I'm not quite sure what our thing is yet, but Jesus knows what we're doing. He's kind of the leader of this whole operation."

Pip still didn't feel any happier with himself. "I'm still so sorry..."

"Stop saying your sorry so much, I'm really not mad! Of course, Sarah is, but Sarah is a bitch, so that's to be expected. I'm sure no one else will really care, as long I find a place for you to sleep..." Damien appeared to ponder this question very seriously.

"Oh, I'll just sleep on the floor in here," Pip opted. "Or, if you wish, I could sleep in a closet or bathroom or something, just to be out of your way..." Pip didn't want to sleep on the cold metallic floor at all, but knew that there was no room for him anywhere else.

"Dude, the floor is just a little bit to cold and hard for someone to sleep on. My bed is big enough, might as well share it?"

Pip gulped and nodded, already anticipating the shameful thoughts he'd certainly have about Damien while Damien slept.

**

* * *

**

No one was really all that surprised to find that Pip had stowed away with them on the ship. In fact, as Damien had predicted, no one minded except for Sarah, who always minded Pip. Pip had been afraid that they would be mad, but they weren't, not at all.

Pip mulled over this as he laid in the darkness of Damien's -- his and Damien's -- room. He didn't understand how they could all have been so understanding of him tagging along. He had intruded on something completely private that they'd never wanted him to know about. Pip wondered why this family never got mad at him for anything. He was constantly doing something wrong, but they were never angry. It made Pip curious indeed, for every other person he'd ever encountered thought him worse than a nuisance, and wanted him in pain. Besides Sarah, Damien's family actually seemed to _like _him.

Pip did not feel deserving of this love, however, as his thoughts wandered to Damien. He was having unnatural thoughts, thoughts he certainly didn't want, and Damien would most likely punish him severely for. Pip tried to push these thoughts from his head, but it didn't work very well. And being in a bed with the star of his mind's fucked up fantasies did not help much.

Pip grabbed one of the blankets, the smallest one, and one pillow, and climbed down onto the floor. That is where he spent the night.

* * *

Ok.

So yeah, two chapters in one day.

Don't expect a third.

I'm tired.

This chapter was mainly a filler chapter, to finally reveal the whole plot of the story.

If you decide to hate my story because it actually has a plot now and isn't just pointless fluff, than Ima sorry.

Seriously.

Because I know I've done the same thing.

Anyways, good night, yay Colts, whatever.


	14. Pip Discovers Shower

It's not as bad as it sounds. Well, actually, I guess it kind of is.

**Recommended Soundtrack: **Stacy's Mom -- Fountains of Wayne

Disclaimer: I don't feel like it this time.

**Chapter 13 - Pip Discovers Shower. Damien Discovers Pip.**

"Stacy's Mom has got it going on, she's all I want, and I've waited for so long! Stacy can't you see? You're just not the girl for me...I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Stacy's Mom!"

Pip stared at his friend in annoyance, for Damien was singing as if he was singing to Pip himself. And Pip was most certainly not a Stacy...or a girl...and he didn't even have a mother to speak of. And Damien was hugging Pip in quite a peculiar way, with one arm around Pip's shoulders and the other hand in a somewhat suggestive place on Pip's chest. Pip couldn't deny that he liked the attention, but...this was kind of weird. Damien was being queer. _Not in the gay way, but in the strange way! I mean queer like British people say it, not like American people say it! _Then again, Damien in such a position with another boy was quite gay, Pip had to admit to himself.

"Stacy, do you remember when I mowed your lawn?"

"No."

"Your mom came out with just a towel o-o-o-o-on! I could tell she liked me from the way she stared, and the way she said 'You missed a spot over there-ere-ere-ere-ere!' I know that you think it's just a fantasy, but since your Dad walked out your Mom could use a guy like me!"

Pip pulled away from his annoying best friend and walked into the bathroom. "I am going to take a shower..."

"Oh, c'mon, don't be so put out about me choosing your Mom over you," Damien said playfully.

"My mother is dead."

With that, Pip shut (swooshed) the bathroom door shut and proceeded to get ready for his shower. The showers on The Whimsical (for that was the name of the ship) were quite like normal Earth Showers. You know what a normal Earth Shower looks like. However, Damien's house didn't have a normal Earth Shower, and before that Pip had showered in the school locker rooms, so a normal Earth Shower was amazing to Pip. "I wonder why they don't have more of these on Earth?" he wondered to himself as he actually was able to lock the glass doors. "Damien's shower is weird, in the bath tub, why don't they just have a shower and a bath tub? Oh, but that might cost more. Who knows!"

For a person like you or I, who has probably been in a Hotel before, this shower would be much like a Hotel Shower, not just any old Earth Shower. There were even those little soaps and shampoos, that really don't work that well but that Hotels still see fit to put into all of the bathrooms, that have little slogans about the Sun and how the Sun has been infused into the formula to make your skin Bright As The Sun. Pip found these slogans quite tempting, and so, he washed as hard as he could with the Sun to make his skin Bright As The Sun, for he wanted to be as Bright As The Sun.

For five minutes, as Pip was washing himself (and we won't go into those particular details...), Pip imagined himself being so Bright when he got out of the bathroom that he blinded Damien. Damien then started yelling about how Bright it was and how it hurt his mind, much like mayonnaise or any other white object did. Damien screamed quite a bit about how much pain it caused throughout this episode. Pip amused himself with this scene which he had created for a good five minutes until he came across a not-so-very-amusing bruise on his torso. A bruise that hurt just as bad as it did when he undergone the process of getting it when touched.

Pip was then reminded of why he had stowed away in the first place. He had wanted to escape those horrible bullies. His black eye had disappeared within an hour of receiving it, but, there were many a bruise that had not yet healed, and, Pip noticed, he had a few cuts and scrapes that might possibly turn into scars. He examined himself all over, and, since he was no so much pressed for time like he usually was when he was bathing, he was able to note that he had quite a few scars, and many of them he couldn't even remember which beating they were from. He had too many beatings to remember any of them personally, except for the one he had just suffered less than a week before.

_I look disgusting, _Pip mused. _I can't believe I look this bad! I need some of that scar-removing treatment that I saw on a commercial just a few days ago...or else, I look like...like...something with a lot of ugly scars! _Pip couldn't think of something quite ugly enough to compare his ugliness to. Except for maybe Cartman. _Ok, so all these scars make me look like Cartman! Nah...Cartman's not even as bad as me _without_ the scars. Erm...Barbara Streisand? Nah, same. _

Pip sighed and gave up on thinking of something more disgusting than himself, got out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his lower body. He didn't know how, but he had gotten extremely lucky, for Peter (being a clean freak...who'd have guessed?) had brought an extra toothbrush and given it to the poor British boy, who was without clothes and toiletries, for he had stowed away inside of a suitcase, and was therefore without anything.

Pip was in the process of putting the toothpaste on the brush when all of a sudden the door swooshed! open. Pip started, and dropped his toothbrush into the metallic sink.

"W-what are you doing?!?" he yelled at Damien.

"Oh, you're still in here, are you? I was just going to take a piss, but I can wait -- hey, what's that on your stomach?"

Pip looked down and saw that his bruises (and there was quite a number of them) were in plain sight of anyone who happened to be looking. And Damien just happened to be looking. "Erm...it's a...uhm..."

"Did you get beat up??" Damien did sound awful concerned. But Pip couldn't let Damien know he'd really gotten beat up, Damien would think he was even weaker than he already thought he was.

"N-no...it's just my skin pigment," said Pip. _Oh, what a God-awful lie. _

"Oh bullshit!" Damien said with a glare. He strode over to Pip and clasped his shoulders (his bare shoulders, may I remind you), and looked into Pip's eyes somewhat menacingly. "I don't like being lied to, Pip," he said, sounding very angry. Pip gulped.

"W-well...if you must know...I just tripped at school before we left, is all..." Pip hit himself mentally. The lie had came out of it's own accord, Pip hadn't even meant to say it! _What am I becoming??? Have I become a dishonest liar? Oh Dear God I hope not...er, wait, I shouldn't pray, that just annoys You God, so uhm...sorry... _

Damien squeezed Pip's (bare) shoulders with his (soft and delicate and oh-so-wonderful) fingers. "Pip, I'll tell you once more. I don't like being lied to. Especially not by you; you're you! You don't lie! Pip, c'mon, who did this to you?"

"Just...well, I don't think I quite remember their names..." Pip said half-truthfully.

Damien clutched Pip's (bare) shoulders in an even more painful grasp. Pip wondered whether Damien would leave new bruises on him. "Goddammit Pip, tell me who it was!"

Pip squeaked. "W-well...I remember the names of the bullies who _didn't_ do this to me...but, Joe Gargery just put an iguana in my shoe, and Stan's gang just poured orange juice down my shirt! Seriously! This other boy, who I can't remember the name of, he tripped me, and then I just got stepped on! Seriously! I don't remember his name! I'm sorry!" Pip feared Damien's wrath, for though he'd never seen it or been victim of it, he surely could imagine it.

Pip was then let go of. "Goddammit..." Damien muttered. "You're so tiny, I should've been there to protect you...to think, the one day I wasn't there they all decided to gang up on you..."

"I'm pretty sure that that's the reason they ganged up on me," Pip mumbled, looking down at his feet. Of course, being beaten up was now the last thing on his mind. For, it had just occured to him that he was naked (albeit, with a towel on, of course), in a room, all alone, with Damien. Pip instantly thought of Cartman to make any indecent thoughts leave his mind. _I am having too many indecent thoughts about him, it's not right, he'd be so disgusted if he ever even suspected...I am a pervert...I deserve to rot in Adam's Hell..._

"What does that mean?"

"Erm..." Pip had to think a minute to remember what he'd last said. "Oh, I mean, that it's **because **you weren't there that they ganged up on me...you know, I'm used to it, because it happened quite often before you came along...more than thirty times..." Pip said, making a reference to Damien's comment to Sarah back when they were boarding The Whimsical.

"What?? How many times??" Damien was just really concerned, Pip decided. And his concern was making him angry. But he was still concerned, no matter how angry he sounded. _And he sounds very angry..._

"Well...I don't quite know," said Pip. "It's happened so many times, and I've never thought it important enough to keep count of, that I seriously haven't a clue. Oh, don't be mad..." he said softly. "I really don't know..."

Pip expected Damien to start yelling about how he'd destroy those horrible villians as soon as they got back to Earth. However, Pip didn't hear anything, but rather felt himself being wrapped up in something warm. And that warm thing just happened to be Damien. _I'm being hugged..._

"Damn it all, if you're not the nicest person I've ever met! Why do they want to beat you up anyways? You didn't do anything to them!"

"On the contrary," said Pip ashamedly (for he really was ashamed of the statement he was about to make), "I existed. Is that not reason enough?"

"What?" Pip wished he could see Damien's face, but they were too close together for Pip to look up at it. "That is the stupidest reason -- that's not even a reason! It's a good thing that you exist! Damn, I'm going to kill them all if we get back to Earth!"

"If we get back!?!?" Pip asked worriedly. (Mind you, they are still hugging).

"Oh, I meant when," Damien amended. "WHEN we get back. We're not in any danger of being trapped forever in Adam's Hell...definitely not...nope..."

Pip shivered in Damien's arms. (Yes, they are still hugging). "Well...now that I know that uplifting piece of information..."

They stood in that position for a few more minutes, Damien muttering random curses under his breath, Pip just standing in somewhat of a stupor. Pip had only ever been hugged twice in his life, and both times were within the time he'd known Damien. Once, by Damien's father, and the other by the pick-pocket from that time so long ago when Pip hadn't even been that great friends with the dark boy. And since the pick-pockets hug was more like a crush-your-lungs-so-you-won't-notice-me-stick-my-hand-into-your-pocket type hug, he'd only been really hugged once.

And this hug lasted for a lot longer.

_This is probably the best feeling I've ever felt, _Pip decided. It was the warmest, most comforting thing he had ever experienced. Pip wondered to himself why it felt so right to be in another boy's arms, for God was supposed to hate homosexuals. But Damien...oh, there was no way anything could be righter than being in Damien's arms at that exact moment. It was as if all of his troubles and past worries were washed away, like dirt and grime was washed away by the shower.

Of course, at the peak moment of this wonderful embrace, Pip just had to slip on some water that he'd dripped onto the cold metallic floor. He just had to fall out of the warmth and onto his arse onto this cold metallic floor that was earlier mentioned. And, his towel just had to decide to fly off. Leaving him most open in front of his friend. And the type of open that I mean is the naked-as-the-day-he-was-born type open.

They were both stunned. Quite stunned. All was quiet for around thirty seconds or so. Pip, in his daze, wondered why Damien didn't look away...Pip then came to his senses and grabbed his towel, covering himself, and yelled at Damien to "Get out!!!". Damien instantly complied, saying something along the lines of, "I need to go jack off to a lesbian playboy now...cause I'm straight..." as if he needed to confirm his straightness, and promptly left the bathroom.

Pip shakily stood up and tied his towel as tight as it would tie around his waist. "I...oh my goodness...I don't think I shall ever forget that..." he muttered as he went back to the sink to brush his teeth. He brushed for a good five minutes, still in somewhat of a daze, before he realized he'd been brushing for far too long and spit. He put on the acne cream that Damien used constantly, and then pulled on his clothes, feeling more than a little bit mortified by the earlier experience. _Oh my goodness...this is quite...disturbing..._ thought Pip, for, when it came down to it, he didn't really mind what happened all that much.

**

* * *

**

So, for the next week or so, Pip and Damien avoided each other like the plague. _Oh, I do despise that saying. We avoided each other like a cheesy poof avoids Cartman! _So, for the next week, Pip and Damien avoided each other like a cheesy poof avoids Cartman. Pip could not evade Damien's gaze anymore than he did already. Damien strayed as far to the edge of the DoubleplusEmperorSized bed every night, as if afraid of Pip raping him. _Not that I could ever do that...I'm much too scrawny...and I'd never do that anyway!!! Duh!!_

Then, they were friends again. Just like that. Pip didn't really want to avoid Damien anymore, and Damien seemed to just forget that the whole episode happened. And, like it had never happened, Damien was speaking to Pip like a normal person again.

Pip sometimes wondered how the Power of Friendship could overcome something as humiliating as what had happened between them. But, it did, and Pip was most thankful for it, because he had been very lonely when Damien refused to speak with him.

"Damien, how much longer will it be until we arrive to this planet?" Pip asked one night as they were lying in bed.

"Uhm...probably a lot longer. We've been gone for about two weeks and we've barely made it five lightyears," Damien replied. Pip nodded, though in the darkness, Damien surely couldn't see him.

"So...how many lightyears is it to this planet?"

"A lot more than five," Damien responded vaguely.

"Ah..." It was quiet for the next few minutes. Pip figured that Damien had fallen asleep.

But, Damien decided to ask him something then. "Pip, why do you leave the bed every night after I fall asleep?"

Pip jerked. How had Damien figured that out? Pip was always awake long before Damien was. "Well...er..."

"I mean, I don't really care if you have random wet dreams or anything," Damien remarked in a seemingly innocent manner.

"N-no! I don't have any wet dreams!!" Pip defended. _I just have wet thoughts...AGH! NO I DON'T!!_

"Okay, whatever Pip, but you know you can stay on the bed the whole night," Damien said with an air of one who knows something that you don't think that they know. Pip just nodded, fully disconcerted with the comment Damien had just made. _I most certainly don't have any wet anythings about anybody, including Damien! I don't! Seriously! _Pip wondered just how low he had sunk to have to try and convince himself of something that he knew was most certainly as true as the fact that his parents were dead.**

* * *

**

So, this chapter is like my favorite chapter.

Haha.

Forgive me.

So, it doesn't go much into furthering the plot, but it was some good pointless fluff for all you fluff-loving people like myself.

Heehee.

Review it yo.


	15. He Hates Me

I'm so sorry I haven't been around for so long.

At first, it was because I was actually liking my life more than the computer.

I was making all these new friends, and just altogether liking myself.

And then I got a crush on a girl. (I am a girl, by the way.)

And she got a crush on me.

We went out for 6 days, and then...

We fell apart.

And she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I'm not doing so well right now.

Because my life is just altogether falling apart.

I don't even know who I am right now.

I'm just...emotionless.

So, I apologize if this chapter sucks even more than usual.

I'm just not in the mood to try and write well.

But I need to write something.

Because I haven't given you guys anything in a while.

And I feel really bad.

**Disclaimer: **Do I have to do this this time?

**Chapter 14 - He Hates Me**

A month had passed, and Pip had been informed by Mary that they had now traveled about 100 lightyears. They were picking up speed, it seemed. Pip thought it quite amazing that they were traveling so awfully fast. He knew that the nearest star to the sun, Alpha Centauri, was a mere 4.3 lightyears away, and the most advanced Earth technology still made the time of approach somewhere 53,000 years in the future. Yes, Pip had been forced to watch Isaac Asimov: Voyage To The Outer Planets And Beyond when he was a young 'un of only three or four.

"How is it that we can travel quite this quickly?" Pip asked of Peter one day, for Peter seemed to be the main pilot of the expedition. At least, if he wasn't the main pilot, he got to sit in the pretty chair. And why would he get to sit in the pretty chair if he wasn't the pilot?

"Well, we have God on our side," Peter replied vaguely.

"Oh, but if God does any miracles, he'll be found!"

"He's already been found you dumbshit!" Sarah said from a seat not too awfully far from Peter's. She was the Voyage Coordinator, and constantly acted like she was the most important of them all. "God can do anything he wants _now _that he's already let himself be found."

"Oh..." Pip thought that that made perfect sense. Except... "But...I thought that Adam didn't know that we know that he knows where God is...obviously, he'd know that we know that he knows where God is if God keeps on doing miracles now..."

Pip was rewarded for his insight with a smack on the head, courtesy of Sarah.

**

* * *

**

Everyone grew very accustomed to living on the ship, for now they had spent almost six months on it. Pip had begun to imagine just living on the ship forever, for this was the happiest he had ever been. Hell, he got to sleep on a DoubleplusEmperorSized bed next to Damien _every single night._ He got to eat as much food as he wanted, go wherever on the ship he wanted, talk to Damien as much as he wanted, and all in all, just do whatever it was he wanted to do. It was the freest he'd ever been in his entire life.

Pip was afraid that he'd somehow let all of this freedom get to his head. He had read books of people who had let things like this spoil their minds, and then they became rude and self-centered and pushed away all the people that loved them.

_Oh wait, no one loves me, _Pip reminded himself. Sure, Damien liked him, but Pip knew he was far from being loved by Damien. And seeing as Damien didn't love him, it was obvious no one else on the expedition did, for no one else really liked him at all, at least not as much as Damien did.

Pip decided to stop with that depressing train of thought and thought of more uplifting things. Such as...well...there really wasn't much happy stuff to think about. _Well, actually, we're almost there! That's an uplifting thought! _Pip thought to himself. Of course, that actually wasn't very uplifting, for Pip knew that that meant that this wonderful-awesome-super-special-makes-you-want-to-pee-your-pants trip was already about halfway over. And Damien had made it clear that danger was present at the destination. Pip didn't want anybody to get hurt! Especially not Damien. Pip didn't know what he'd do if Damien was gone...

Pip walked into the dining hall, a decently large metallic hall that looked quite similar to the one in Star Trek: Next Generation. Pip only knew this because at Token's 12th birthday, as was mentioned before, Pip had watched Star Trek. Of course, Pip wasn't sure if the food service on The Whimsical was quite the same as on Star Trek. He didn't think it was, but who knows? On The Whimsical, there was a large menu with pretty much anything you could think of, and you just typed the number/letter combination into a machine, and it miraculously appeared. Pip was pretty sure it was Sarah's idea, since she liked everything on the menu. Pip usually just got the smallest thing possible and ate as little as possible, not wanting the food to run out or something like that.

Pip got a small slice of pizza and a water and went to one of the tables to sit down. There was certainly no need for all the tables that were in the dining room. It was more like a cafeteria, but since there were only eight people on the voyage, they really only needed one large table. But Pip was glad that there multiple tables, because otherwise he'd have had to sit with Sarah many times over the course of the trip.

Speak of the Sarah, she walked in right as Pip was thinking about her. She looked at Pip with a look of such disdain that Pip shrunk down into his seat. He didn't want to have anything to do with her and her hatred at the moment.

Sarah got something huge, most likely an 18-inch sub. She seemed to have a fondness for them. Pip expected her to go sit far, far away at the other end of the hall. Instead, she sat at his table. Pip almost choked on a pepperoni when she sat herself down across from him.

"Yo," she said in a seemingly casual voice. She took a large bite of the sub and wiped her mouth with one of her numerous napkins that she had brought with her.

"Yo..." Pip replied back warily. Sarah had something in mind, he just knew it. There was no way she'd actually wanted to sit with him. "Why are you here?" he asked. He then realized he'd sounded absolutely rude. He didn't feel the need to apologize, however; this was Sarah. And Sarah was never nice to him. So why should he be nice to her?

"What, is a crime to talk to you now?" she asked, sounding equally as rude as Pip had said. Only, you could tell she didn't feel the slightest remorse.

"What do you want?" Pip asked. He didn't want to deal with her crap today. She was never nice to him, never. He knew she just wanted to make him do something for her. Or something. Something bad.

"Who says I want anything?" Sarah said. She took a bite of her sandwich, and then made a big deal of setting it down like she was done eating. "Okay, look Pip. I realized something yesterday...and that is, I have never quite been good enough to you. I have never been nice to you." She looked truly remorseful. Pip could not believe what he was hearing.

"I don't believe you," Pip said bluntly.

"No, Pip! I'm serious!" She looked somewhat panicked now. "Pip, I never realized how my remarks got to you. I mean, I always figured you just brushed them off, but I have came to understand that people don't just forget. You won't just forget when I say something mean to you. And...I shouldn't even be saying anything mean to you. Because, I'm not mad at you! I have never hated you or nothing! I've always just been jealous..." she admitted shyly.

"Jealous? Of what?" Pip couldn't deny that he was completely confused. _What the bloody hell is she talking about?_

"Of how close you were to Damien...but last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about how much he hated you, and it just came to me that you guys aren't really that close, so I shouldn't be jealous. And I should stop trying to cause you pain when it's obvious you're already in enough pain." At this, Sarah actually got up and walked around the table to give Pip a hug. "I'm so sorry Pip..."

Pip's head started to rush. What had she just said? Did she just say that Damien hated him? _Oh, please, let her be lying...please, God, don't let her be speaking the truth...oh wait. I can't talk to You. I'm sorry, I'm not talking anymore! I swear! _Pip looked at Sarah's hands, laced together around his neck and resting on his left shoulder.

_She's lying,_ was the only explanation Pip could come up with. There was no way that Damien hated him. _I mean, sure, he may not be too fond of me all the time, but I know he doesn't hate me...he can't! _But, Sarah had been speaking all of these kind words about Pip. Pip knew that she wouldn't be caught dead saying stuff like that unless it was true.

_No. No. I refuse to believe it. _Pip kept telling himself that, but it was getting harder and harder to believe himself when Sarah's grip got tighter and tighter. Pip finally let himself go and clutched the arm crossing in front of his neck. Sarah would never be doing this if she was lying. This was not the kind of thing that she'd do to make Pip miserable.

_She's telling the truth._

**

* * *

**

"We're almost there! We're almost there!" Damien cheered on the bridge. On the big screen, everyone could see the large rock of a planet in front of them.

"What is the name of that planet?" Pip asked, feeling quite stupid for not knowing. He had known they were going to the planet that Adam was on for the entire trip, but he'd never thought of asking the name of it.

"E-M36 is what the scientists call it. Or...it might be M-E63. Or something along those lines," Damien replied to his question.

Pip shrunk away from Damien's voice. _He hates me._

Pip looked up at Sarah, who was sitting in her special chair, and got a smile.

Pip then couldn't help but look at Damien. He had cocked his eyebrow in a strange way, obviously noticing the interaction that had just taken place between Sarah and Pip. Pip looked away from Damien again, feeling very much like a burden.

_He doesn't want anything to do with me. He probably wishes I'd never stowed away with him. I can't believe I did something so forward like that, I can't believe myself! If I had just stayed there, they could have left me and never came back. He hates me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Me being here is causing him all this pain and agony. I'm ruining him._

"Hey, buddy, you don't look so good," Damien said, walking over to the chair that Pip was in and sitting in the one next to it.

"I'm fine," Pip replied curtly. He didn't want to have to say anything more than was necessary to Damien.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Surely sure?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely positively surely sure?"

"YES!" Pip yelled. "Get off my fucking case!"

Everyone on the bridge looked over to the left side of the room towards Pip's seat. They hadn't been paying much attention before, but they certainly were now.

Damien muttered something about it not being only girls who PMS-ed, and trudged back to his initial seat.

The bridge was one big awkward silence after that burst of emotion from the dear British boy.

**

* * *

**

"How long until we're there?" Pip asked Damien that night. He just wanted to know that one small bit of information, nothing more.

"We're going to be there before the end of the week," Damien replied shortly.

"Oh. Cool." Pip sighed and climbed into the DoublePlusEmperorSized bed. He pulled up the covers to his chin and closed his eyes.

Damien imitated Pip's actions and turned off the light.

All was silent.

It had been fifteen minutes of silence or so when Pip finally couldn't take it anymore. "Damien, you can throw me off the ship if you want to!"

"What??"

Pip sighed. "Damien, all I've been doing is bothering you, and it's not like I have anything else to live for anyways. Since you hate me, you can just throw me off the fucking ship."

"What the hell gives you the impression that I hate you?!?" Damien turned on his side looking at Pip with a somewhat severe expression.

"Well, it was"-

"Wait. Let me guess. Sarah."

Pip nodded. "Yeah...but I know she was telling the truth."

"No she fucking wasn't!"

"Yeah...she hugged me, Damien. She was obviously telling the truth, otherwise she'd never get caught dead saying those wonderful things about me."

"No, no, Pip. Your logic is all wrong. She would never _want _to compliment you. Ever. Which means that if she was, she was obviously lying. By the way, she tried to do the same thing to me. She tried to get me to believe that you had told her that you hated me. But I'm a little smarter than that, and a little more faithful in my best friend."

Pip felt a rush of guilt come over him. "Sorry..." He felt like such a dick-head now. How could he have thought that Damien could ever hate him?!? "FUCK ME!" he said loudly in his mind. He had meant in the way that someone says "fuck you!" when they're pissed at you. Because he was pissed at himself. However, when said out loud, the phrase does NOT sound like self-loathing. And unfortunately, Pip had said it out loud.

"W-what??!??"

Pip looked up at Damien innocently, and then realized what he'd said, and clapped his hand over his mouth. "Agh!"

Damien raised his eyebrow.

"I totally didn't mean that!"

Damien turned around and buried his head in his pillow.

Pip hit himself on the head. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

**

* * *

**

I'm sorry.

I couldn't end it correctly.

I have other crap that needs to be gone over in the next chapter that's going to take a while, so I had to end it quickly now.

Again, I'm sorry.

My life is being a bitch to me right now.

A sexuality issue + a bad break up - one of my closest friends A not so happy Kenny's SpaceCadet.

Forgive me.


	16. Hot Pink Handcuffs

Oh, oh.  
And you want to know what's even better with my whole bad break up?  
She never even liked me.  
She only **pretended** to.  
It's been over two months and I am trying so hard to let this fucking thing go.  
It was 6 days.

**_6 fucking days._**

Back in _February.  
_I should so be over her by now.  
But I can't stop thinking about her.  
About her beautiful, fucking, absolutely AMAZING eyes.  
Oh, if you could see her eyes.  
Oh my gosh.  
And her smile, when she really smiles, it's like...  
It makes my chest burn just thinking about it.

She is the most beautiful girl in the whole entire world.  
She's prettier than any celebrity, than any Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, than any SuperModel, than ANY of your friends.  
This girl is the most beautiful girl who has ever lived.

Ok.  
I am done ranting about her now.  
God.  
Gotta let her go.

**(S H E H A T E S M E)**

**Disclaimer: **Uhmhmm. Yep. I own this wonderful show. I also own Suave, Honda, and SpongeBob SquarePants. It is too possible to own square pants. You narrow-minded freak.

**Chapter 15 - Hot Pink Handcuffs**

Pip was in The Room. He had recently dubbed it The Room because it was where he and Damien slept. It was his and Damien's bedroom. However, Pip, being somewhat unconfident about himself and his place in the world, did not know whether it would be too forward of him to say that he was in his room, and to say he was in Damien's room would sound idiotic, because it was his room too! So, Pip just called it The Room. And this is where he was at. He was playing PinBall on the laptop that had somehow gotten brought along, even though no one in the "family" really liked the computer. Pip had sarcastically asked if he could have it, and surprisingly, he had not been denied.

"NO!" he screamed. For the PinBall game had, once again, thwarted his attempt at a high score. And it wasn't even Pip's fault; the ball had gone in that one special place where you can't save it no matter how hard you try. Pip sulked for a moment and then pressed F2 in order for a new game to start. "I will beat 4,267,000. I swear it! Even if it takes a while, I'll stay right here until I see that...High Score!"

Suddenly, the intercom buzzed on. Normally, this would not have scared Pip, except that he didn't even know that the ship had an intercom until now.

"Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, come to the Bridge. That means you Pip, since you're the only one not here," said Sarah. Or rather, said the Intercom, in Sarah's voice, if you really prefer to get technical about it.

Pip sighed and closed his game. That 4,267,000 would have to wait.

**

* * *

**

"SILENCIO!"

Pip wondered what had caused Sarah to burst out like that. Because no one had been talking. In fact, it had been very quiet, too quiet.

"We weren't talking, dipshit," Damien muttered.

"Oh, but I could hear Pip's traitorous thoughts!"

_You're an ugly fat whore._

"I HEARD THAT!"

_I mean, you're beautiful, absolutely beautiful!_

"I can still hear you, Pip." There was an angry edge to her voice.

_No you can't._

"Ok, ok, quiet down now please," Jesus said, with his trademark open-arm display. "Now, we have a lot to discuss about our infiltration of Adam's lair."

Pip was suddenly brought back to reality. That this was not some vacation. That they were here to actually bring down a bad guy, that people could actually get hurt.

"Actually, I've got a perfect idea!" Sarah piped up. "Let's make Pip do it all!"

Pip wondered in his head if they would actually like the idea. Something told him that it would be easier for them to send in some nobody to die than to send in a family member to die. _Uh oh..._

"Sarah!" Mary said indignantly. "All of your horrible remarks are going to make Pip want to commit suicide!"

"Good. Then he will infiltrate for us!"

Pip didn't bother mentioning that he failed even at suicide.

Damien threw something. Pip didn't see what it was, but when it hit Sarah square in the forehead, she screamed. _Did he do that for me?? Oh my, he couldn't have...I mean, not to Sarah, that was horrible, he'd never do something like that for me, no, never...I mean, she's not even being that rude...is she?_

"No, no, Sarah. Even if we were horrible people, we couldn't do that. We need more than one person for this plan to work," Jesus explained.

Sarah crossed her arms with a huff. "Well...he should do the hardest part."

There were six audible sighs throughout the Bridge.

Jesus decided to pointedly ignore the terrible remark from Sarah. "Ok team! There are two main objectives. The first is -"

"What's the first one?" Sarah asked.

Satan whispered something in John's ear.

Jesus pointedly ignored her some more. "Like I was saying, the first is to subdue Adam and Lily."

"How the hell are we supposed to do that?" Damien asked. "They're only about the strongest beings in the Universe next to you, Dad, and God."

Jesus smirked triumphantly and produced two pairs of handcuffs from nowhere. Not any normal han cuffs either. These looked like they were made out of thick plastic. They had a little electronic pad on each band. They were probably at least twice the size of normal human handcuffs. And, to top that all off, they were Hot Pink.

"Jesus, those so do not match your robe," Satan helpfully pointed out.

"No, no, no! These aren't meant for me! These are for Adam and Lily."

"That color also doesn't match Adam's eyes at all," Satan added.

"I DON'T CARE IF IT MATCHES!!!" Jesus yelled, while tugging at the hair on top of his head. His lips moved silently, as if counting to ten in his head. Finally, he calmed down. "Ok. These are NOT a fashion statement of any kind. I don't care if it looks bad with Adam's eyes, or Adam's belt, or Adam's earlobe. These are the most powerful handcuffs that I could forge without using any of Dad's miracles. They will subdue Adam and Lily effectively...but only for about fifteen minutes."

"What's the point of that?" Peter asked, quietly.

"Well. The point is that we need to keep them down while we set the bomb."

Pip wondered how the fuck this plan was supposed to work.

"What??"

"Bomb?"

Jesus chuckled, as if he expected people to get confused. "Ok, so it's not really a bomb. It's more like a...well, it doesn't really have a name. We can call it a bio-bomb, I guess, except it doesn't kill every living thing. Instead, it traps every living thing in the hell that Satan created. This hell is basically a fenced off part of Hell, where Adam cannot ever escape. It's a cheap rip-off of Adam's Hell, but hey, it works."

"So, wait. Lemme get this straight," Damien muttered. "We are going to paralyze Adam and Lily and then plant a bomb that will trap them in this hell place that Dad created?"

"Exactly!" Jesus clapped his hands as if to congratulate Damien for being so intelligent. "It's a very simple plan when it comes down to it. It would be amazingly easy to execute also, except that there are henchmen. And this bomb is not overly complicated, so they will be able to defuse it in around seven minutes tops. So, we need to set the bomb for four minutes, at the longest. Any longer, and they could possibly defuse it. However, four minutes does not give one much time to escape this place. Plus, I am sure the henchmen will make it difficult to escape. This is the hardest part. One of us has to get inside, plant the 'bio-bomb' in the direct center of the base, and then make it out in less than four minutes. Because if you are caught by this bomb...you are not escaping."

Pip felt dizzy just thinking about how dangerous that would be.

"I volunteer," Sarah said.

If there were crickets in outer space, you would surely be hearing them making their cricket-like sounds.

"Why is everyone staring at me? I volunteer! I volunteer that Pip should do it."

Pip wondered why he wasn't surprised in the slightest.

"Now, now, Sarah, you can't do that," Mary admonished.

Everyone looked around at each other, fear apparent in all of their eyes. Pip wondered what Damien would do if one of the people in this room were to be trapped indefinitely in his own father's made-up hell. _Surely they are much more important than I am...I cannot possibly be selfish enough to not go just because I am afraid for my own life...it's not like I'm important or anything._

"I will go," Pip said quietly.

Everyone stared at him.

"No Pip, you can't do that," Damien said fearfully.

"Y-yeah...I can...I mean, I can run fast, I won't mess it up!" Pip said with a slight stutter.

"That's not what I'm worried about Pip!"

Pip wondered if Damien was actually worried about him. _No, he couldn't be...I'm imagining things._

"I can do it," Pip said, more firmly this time. "I swear. I'll do it right! I'll make sure it is planted in the right place, I swear!"

Pip knew that every single person in the room was glad that he had elected to go. They would all much rather it be him than them.

"Ok. Pip, if you really want to, you can do this part," Jesus obliged. "I am going to send 3 of you, with guns, to Adam and Lily to incapacitate them. The guns are merely there so that you can cause them slight pain while trying to force the cuffs over their wrists. Which three of us are going to go?"

Damien and Satan were the only two that raised their hands. Jesus sighed, then raised his hand too. "Ok. Us three will make sure Adam and Lily are paralyzed."

Pip took a deep breath.

"Ok, Pip. We are going to have walkie talkies. We are all going to enter the base at the same time. However, you are NOT going to plant the bomb until I give you the signal that Adam and Lily are subdued. As soon as they are unable to possibly escape or defuse the bomb, you can plant it. And then try to make it out."

Try to make it out. Yeah.

Pip looked around at his fellow shipmates and saw the unease settling on all of their faces. He knew they were all a lot more nervous about this than he was. Death had never scared Pip that much. He had never had anything to lose.

**

* * *

**

One night. One night was all that separated Pip from his certain death. One night was all that stood between The Whimsical and Adam. One night. One long, dreadful night.

Pip thought he might throw up.

Pip thought better of it though, since he was in bed, and did not want to have to suffer the embarrassment of puking all over Damien.

"Pip, are you absolutely sure you want to do this? You don't have to. You really don't."

"I know I don't have to," Pip snapped. He was in a terrible state of wanting to puke. Nervous twitches accompanied his shaky breaths. He didn't want to do this. But he had to. For everyone else.

"Well jeez, sorry for being concerned about your welfare," Damien muttered, rolling over onto his side, facing away from Pip. Pip instantly felt guilty.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you Damien..." Pip whispered. "I really didn't..."

Damien rolled back over. "I know you didn't...you're just scared. Hell, if you weren't scared, something would be way wrong with you."

Pip nodded. "Yeah...I just...want to puke..."

He was instantly pushed off of the bed.

Pip's head thunked against the metallic floor somewhat uncomfortably. "Ow..." he muttered. "That kinda hurt, Damien!"

"Jesus fuck are you okay?!?" Damien exclaimed. He sounded horrified. Pip looked up onto the bed confusedly.

"Uhm, I'm fine..." he said timidly, wondering if he was stupid to not be in deep huge pain or something.

"DId you hear how loud you hit the ground?!?" Damien sounded extremely worried. He crawled over the bed to the edge to get a closer look at Pip. "Christ, I could have given you a concussion!"

Pip did not understand. It hadn't hurt very badly at all. "Oh, it must have sounded worse than it was, it didn't hurt very much at all! Don't worry!"

Damien offered his hand out to help Pip back onto the bed. "Ok, you sure you're okay Pip-squeak?"

Pip found himself unable to reply, seeing as his hands were within the soft, strong grip of Damien. And Damien's hands felt better than Pip remembered.

"Pip?!?"

"Oh, oh, sorry, I just spaced off there, I'm fine!" Pip immediately yanked his hands away from Damien once he was safely on the bed. "Seriously, don't worry about me," he muttered shortly while curling up under the blankets.

There was a slightly awkward silence for a bit. Damien seemed to be somewhat offended, and Pip was just too damn tired to care. Pip was drifting, almost completely into oblivion. Dreamland was coming closer and closer (although Pip was afraid of what scary nightmares Dreamland would bring).

And then Pip vomited, all over his pillow.

* * *

Yeah, I didn't like this one so much.

But I really want to get to the last two chapters.

Haha.

They're going to be pretty good, I think.

By the way, if my estimate is correct, there are 3 chapters left.

I think.

Possibly 4, but most likely 3.

Anyways, yeah, please review?

I would love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever times infinity + 45489438094832094809328409832094823942834 times 489380984509850943850943850943809!


	17. The Final Countdown

**Attention: **Damien is going to "make his move" soon. Don't worry. I have a plan. :D

Ok, so, the coolest thing happened today. **_Society's Cavity _**updated her amazing story!!! I've been waiting for that for 6 whole months. It's called Even In Dreams. However, not even your dreams could dream up as good of a story.

I suck at writing action. Hell, I suck at _reading_ action. So you'll have to bear with my lame not-really-all-that-action-full chapter that's supposed to be completely full of action.

**Disclaimer: **Okay, so I've been hearing people say that YOU have been spreading rumors that I don't own South Park. You should just shut your damn face, because I DO own South Park. I also own Anchor Blue, Payless Shoes, and the Retrodoxy. What's that? You've never heard of the Retrodoxy? Well, fuck you! (Not really.)

**Chapter 16 - The Final Countdown (doodoodooooodoo)**

Pip had to just not think about going to Adam's lair. In fact, he was going to forget about it altogether. He knew that it would happen, sometime within the hour, but if he forgot about it, he would be less likely to vomit. Again. The problem was that it kept popping back into his mind. He had to concentrate very hard on not thinking about it.

But when you concentrate hard on something, even if you're trying to forget about it, it's obviously still there, since you're concentrating so hard on forgetting.

The door swooshed open, and Damien walked in. Pip could tell he was on edge. Pip didn't want to speak, for he was afraid of what he would say if he did speak. Instead, he continued to look out of the window at the approaching planet. It was red, and resembled Mars in a way. Pip sighed.

"Hey...Pip..." Damien came and sat next to him at the small desk by the window. "Look, dude, I know we're almost there...but I have to tell you something, in case we never see each other again..."

"IN CASE? You know, that doesn't make me any less afraid!" Pip shrieked. "You know what, no! Don't tell me. I'd rather find out afterwards."

"Pip, there might not be an afterwards!"

"There will be!"

There was no more conversation between them for the next hour. They were both fascinated with the impending planet, growing larger with each second.

All of a sudden, they were entering the atmosphere. The ship started wobbling and convulsing. Pip screeched and latched onto Damien's arm. "We're gonna die! NOOOOOO!"

"Calm down!" Damien exclaimed, prying Pip off of him. "If we died, we'd just go to Hell, it wouldn't be that big of a deal! We'd just have to start the journey all over again..."

Pip was silent for a moment. Then...

"I WANT TO DIE!"

**

* * *

**

"Do they know we're here?" Pip whispered. They had already entered the space station, after killing off the few henchmen that had guarded the front entrance.

"Of course they do, Pip. They're just waiting for us," Jesus replied.

"Then...they're gonna send people after Pip," Damien muttered.

"Well, yes, they probably are. That's why you need to keep yourself armed with that gun at all times, alright Pip?" Jesus warned.

"Jesu Maria," Satan mumbled underneath his breath.

The quartet came up to a corner, and Damien stealthily peeked around the corner. "There's a few guys over there," he whispered, really loudly for dramatic effect.

"Okay, I have a difficult and complicated plan for this," Jesus said, getting them all into a huddle. "It involves a pulley, two pregnant women, and cheddar cheese. First, we need to take the cheese and the two pregnant women -"

"Why don't we just shoot them from here?" Pip whispered.

It was worth it just to see the shocked expression on Jesus' face.

**

* * *

**

This was the part Pip had not been looking forward to. The fork. The fork in the hallways of Adam's base. Because Pip had to continue in one direction, while Damien, Satan, and Jesus all went the opposite direction.

"Remember Pip, do NOT set off the bomb until we give you the signal," Jesus reiterated for the 72nd time. Pip nodded in affirmation.

"I know, don't worry...you just, you'll tell me on the walkie-talkie, and then I'll plant the bomb, and then run as fast as I can back down the hall and out of the door..."

"Yep..." Both parties lingered, just looking at each other. Finally, Damien pulled Pip into an enormous embrace.

"Pip...you'd better not die," he mumbled into Pip's ear. Pip shivered. Damien's breath was so warm, right on his ear, _in his ear..._

"Er...right. Same for you," Pip stuttered back, pushing Damien away from him.

And as quick as it had began, the hug ended, and the two groups had gone down their respective halls.

Pip spent the rest of his walk wondering about how fast he'd need to run to escape the bomb. "Let's see...an average human walks at about 5 miles per hour...but...we were actually going a little slower than that, because we had to stop a lot of times..." Pip decided that they'd probably been going about 3 and a half miles per hour. "I've been walking for about 12 minutes since we entered, and I'm almost at the place where I set the bomb off, that will take about one more minute..." Pip did some calculations in his head. "That means that the distance is about .76 miles...so, how fast do I need to run to make it out in 4 minutes?" Pip did a few more complicated calculations in his head. ".76 miles, over 4/60... comes out to... 11.4 ...that means I need to run at 11.4 miles per hour!" Pip then figured out how fast each mile would have to be. "That means that I need to run at 5 and half minute per mile pace..." Pip gulped. That was like, varsity track speed.

Pip was so caught up in doing all this math in his head that he forgot to check around the corner. As soon as he came to the corner, he ran into henchmen. Ugly, huge, fat-ass henchmen. Pip shreiked and brought his weapon up in front of him and shot. It brought down the first bad guy, but then, the three others that were there all came up to him at once. Pip panicked, and somehow, in his panic, changed the setting on the weird gun to "Annihilate multiple enemies." When he pulled the trigger, a bright green flash erupted from the barrel, and all three were put down instantly. Pip breathed, his breath coming in short, choppy sequences.

He quickly stepped over the fallen henchmen and opened the door that they were guarding. Inside was what Pip thought must have been the generator. Apparently, according to Jesus, this was the very center of the base. It would be the safest place to have the bomb go off, because it would for sure capture everything inside. Pip set down the bulky bomb and brought his gun up, to be ready in case more henchmen came in to try and stop him. He then waited for a little while, for them to subdue Adam and Lily. _I sure hope they're okay...please, God, let them be okay...OH CRAP I forgot, I'm not supposed to pray, sorry, sorry, forgive me..._

Suddenly, his walkie-talkie burst into a staticky signal. "DO IT NOW PIP!" It was Damien talking. Pip instantly went to the bomb and started to set the time for 4 minutes. But of course, Pip knew there was no way he could run fast enough to escape this bomb...he guiltily set it for 4 and a half minutes instead. Then, he ran.

The alarms were going off now, loud and shrill. All of a sudden, doors all around Pip were opening, and the ugly, scaly henchmen were coming out of their rooms. He screeched as one grabbed the back of his shirt.

"LET ME GO!" he screamed. "I need to escape!"

Pip somehow managed to pull the trigger on his weapon, and somehow managed to kill all of the henchmen, while somehow managing to start running again, just as fast as he had been before. All while he was running, he was shooting, and dodging, and jumping over dead bodies, and speeding up. He looked at the watch that Jesus had lent him a few months ago, and realized that it had already been a whole minute. "FUCK!" he somehow managed to scream, even though he had barely any breath to spare.

Pip then saw the fork up ahead. Quickly doing some more math in his head, he calculated that he had walked for 4 minutes after the fork and 9 minutes before the fork. Therefore, if he was going at a steady pace, he had 3 minutes and 6 seconds after he got to the fork, if he was going at his pace. He sped up immensely.

But then, he was stopped by the absolute biggest guy he'd ever seen standing in the intersection. And this big guy was wearing a pair of bright pink handcuffs.

"Adam..." Pip breathed.

"Ah, so you're the kid who set the bomb," Adam chuckled evilly. "You think I'm going to let you leave? No. You're going down with me!" Adam's hands were cuffed in front of his body, so it allowed him to bring his hands both up above his head. Pip realized that Adam was about to smash him into the ground.

_Oh no..._ Pip's instincts told him to just cover his head and hope he survived; that was how he survived on Earth. However, another part of him knew he needed to escape. He couldn't let Adam get in his way. Pip dashed between the enormous man's (was he a man?) legs, and sprinted. He heard the clambering footsteps of Adam on his tail. Pip upped his speed and just ran. He was going faster than Adam, but he couldn't possibly keep this speed for too long. _He's going to catch me, he's going to catch me, he's going to catch me!_

Suddenly, Pip saw the door. The escape route. He remembered that Jesus had said that the hand cuffs would stop Adam from escaping...maybe there was something that would keep him inside the building? Pip hoped so.

He got to the door and fought with the handle, slamming open the door. He got out, and then ran across the barren landscape. He was on the planet now, the actual planet, and the air was difficult to breathe in, since it was thinner than the stuff on Earth. It was like running on the top of Mt. Everest. Pip didn't know how much more time he had left, but he knew he had to run, because the bomb's range was unknown, and could go outside of the base easily. Pip didn't turn around to see if Adam was on his tail, he just kept going.

Finally, it was too much. Pip collapsed a few feet after a weird flower thing and just laid still for a few minutes. He knew he must have been outside of the bomb's range, for he was still here, still alive.

His breath came back finally, so Pip sat himself up and looked back at the space station. Adam was no where to be seen. Pip registered in his mind that the weird flower thing he passed wasn't anywhere to be seen either. It must have been taken to the hell also!

_Am I that close to being outside of the range???_ Pip couldn't take it. His head was spinning, he was scared out of his mind, he couldn't barely breathe...he passed out.

**

* * *

**

When Pip came to, he was in The Room. Damien wasn't there, though. It was just him.

_Fuck. Did I just dream all of that? Am I going to have to go and actually do all of that all over again? Oh no...no..._ Pip started to cry. He just wanted to be with Damien, he wanted Damien to come back...he just wanted to be in Damien's house, out of this stupid space ship.

Pip stopped himself after a couple of minutes and got up to go out onto the bridge to find Damien. He was wobbly on his feet for a second.

He walked down the metallic halls and into the main command room. Everyone was there, including Damien, looking incredibly happy. "What's going on?" Pip murmured.

Everyone looked at him immediately, and Damien rushed up to him with a gigantic smile on his face. "Pip! We did it! We defeated Adam! We did it! We did it we did it we did it!"

Pip was suddenly struck by guilt. This was real, and he remembered setting the bomb for the wrong time. "Uhm...do you know that they're all really gone?" Pip asked nervously.

"Yeah, we did a heat scan on the whole place, there's nothing alive left in there," Peter replied, actually sounding somewhat confident in himself, like he normally didn't.

Pip felt himself being pulled down to the chair by Damien's. "Pip! We did it! You did it! You planted the bomb and you got out and I was so scared you were going to get taken to our hell!!"

Pip pushed Damien's hands away, as they were all over, in many random places. It was a slightly uncomfortable experience, seeing as Pip actually liked those hands. _Er...wait...I don't like his hands! They're not _that _soft..._

Of course, Pip's thoughts were more consumed by the guilt of setting the timer wrong.

"I didn't do it right!" Pip burst out. "I didn't set the timer for the right amount of time!"

The crew didn't seem to have a clue what he was talking about.

"I'm sorry! I set it for four and a half minutes because I did all this math in my head and realized that I couldn't possibly escape if I set it for four minutes! I'm sorry!"

Jesus just laughed. "Pip, don't worry about it. You're safe, that's all that matters."

"Yeah! Dude, I thought I was never going to see you again!" Damien exclaimed.

Pip smiled a little bit. "Er...well, if you say so..."

"So what do we do now?" John inquired.

"We go home," Mary said, patting her pregnant stomach.

Pip looked over at Damien, and Damien gave him the most amazing grin he'd ever seen. Pip didn't even blush - he just grinned back.

**

* * *

**

I spent at least **20 whole minutes **on the paragraph where Pip figures out how fast he needs to go to get out in time. I couldn't for the life of me remember how to do the distance and speed and velocity **_crap_**, so it took a long time because I was trying to figure it out without paper, just with the calculator. Finally, I did the smart thing and just looked up the formulas online. Heh. But yeah, that's more math done at home then I've done since like February, because I stopped doing all of my math homework. That's funny, I did more math outside of school (after school is **out**) in one day then I did on my math homework for about 4 months.

By the way, this isn't the end. There is one more chapter plus an epilogue left. So...read those both.

**_REVIEW_**


	18. You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

I am in a rap phase. Hahah. You know the song Glamorous by Fergie? I actually LIKE that song. And there's this other song, My Band by Eminem, I like that song right now too. And of course, I like Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's, even though that's not rap...I am just completely into the hits right now, ever since my 3 week long trip. My 12 year old cousin brainwashed me. AHHH. Except, I think that My Band is an old song. I don't know. Is it? "These chicks don't even know the name of my band, but they're all on me like they wanna hold hands," bahahhahaha.

Party Like A Rockstar is the most annoying song ever though. I don't know why it's on my iPod. Really! I don't! And I don't know why I'm listening to it and not skipping it at this very moment...really...

Oh yeah, this is the last chapter. :D

**Disclaimer: **I own the world, baby. The whole fucking world. South Park is included in that little mix, by the way.

**Chapter 17 - You Can Stand Under My Umbrella**

The first day back in school was quite difficult for Pip, because Damien had decided that he didn't quite enjoy learning, and didn't want to go. Pip didn't hold it against him, however, even though Damien knew how bad Pip got beat up when he wasn't around. Pip had concluded that he wasn't worth it anyways, so it didn't matter. It was better for Damien to be happy then for Pip to be safe.

It had only taken one day back after over a year gone for the American kids to be back into their normal routine from before Damien had arrived. Pip was tripped in the halls, beat up during lunch, and covered in food at any time possible. And, of course, Pip got his first three office calls.

"Pip! It's your first day back from God-knows-where and you're already causing trouble!" Mr. Withers had said the first time.

"Pip! It's the second time you've gotten in trouble in one day! Your bad habits obviously haven't gotten any better!" Mr. Withers had said the second time.

Mr. Withers didn't even speak to Pip the third time. He just gave Pip a mop and motioned towards the bathrooms.

Finally, the bell rang, and Pip trudged sullenly on "home". Damien would be there, and everything would feel all right again. Damien would always be there when he got home from school, so there was no reason to be miserable over the bad day. Hell, he'd lived through about sixteen years of them before Damien had come along.

"Hello, Pip," an ornery and oh-so familiar voice rang out, breaking through Pip's optimistic thoughts. Pip stopped in his tracks as he realized that Cartman was standing in front of him, blocking the sidewalk with his fat ass.

Pip jumped a bit, realizing that Stan and Kyle were now on each side of him, and he looked over his shoulder for an instant and found Kenny. _I'm boxed in!_

"How does it feel to be back, Pip?" Cartman continued in his ugly and fat way. "How does it feel to know that your little boyfriend doesn't care enough about you to be around to protect you?"

Pip gulped. "He-he's not my boyfriend!" Pip finally managed to say.

The rest of the quartet closed in on him. Kenny stood behind him close enough for Pip to feel his breath on his neck. Stan and Kyle each grabbed an arm. He was officially trapped now. Cartman closed in, finally leaving Pip with absolutely no where to go.

"G-get away from me," Pip whispered.

"You think you can take on us?" Kyle asked.

"Heh, he couldn't take us on if he wanted to Kyle," Stan said maliciously.

"Yeah, face it Kyle -- Pip sucks. No, he doesn't just suck...Pip **really** sucks!" Cartman said equally as maliciously, if not moreso, than his "friend".

And because of this small insulting interlude, none of them were ready when Pip wrenched his arms from their grips and punched Cartman right on the nose. Everything seemed to stand still for a second. There were no chirping birds, no blowing wind. Everything was dead silent. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, Cartman started to bawl.

Cartman then started running as fast as his piggy little legs could carry him in the opposite direction. The rest of the gang followed behind him, yelling random curses and yells about how much of a pussy he was. Pip breathed heavily.

_Did I just punch Cartman in the nose? Did I really just stand up to myself completely?_

And he hadn't gotten beaten up more for it. In fact, he had saved himself a beating entirely.

Pip walked back home - _I mean, to Damien's house...heh _- in deep thought. Half of him was proud of himself for standing up for himself. The other half was scared of the wrath Cartman would return with.

The afraid half won over Pip's mindframe, and he was constantly looking over his shoulder on the way home. Cartman was going to come back for sure, there was no way he was not going to exert his revenge soon. And it would be exactly like before Damien came along.

_I wonder what Damien will say? _Pip wondered to himself. _Would it be better to just keep this whole thing quiet? Or would he be proud of me? I think he might be happy...but then, he might then decide I'm strong enough to protect myself and then he'll leave and then he won't like me anymore!!!_

Pip was thinking irrationally, and he was fully aware of it.

**

* * *

**

The house was deathly silent when Pip walked inside. Usually there was some sort of commotion going on; Satan and John were "talking", Sarah and her friends were watching the Tyra Banks show, Damien was playing Ratchet and Clank on his PS-5 (not yet released). But none of those things were going on today.

"Is anyone home?" Pip asked, albeit kind of quietly. _Maybe they all decided to go out to eat and I was conveniently not told about it... _It seemed like something that would happen to him. He was left out a lot.

Pip heard a small voice from the living room, and realized that the whole family must have been having one of those secret meetings that they always had had before the whole Adam thing. Pip sighed; next he would be told that Moses was sueing God for making him build the Ark.

The voice cut itself off as soon as Pip got within a close enough range to actually be able to decipher what was being said. Pip walked into the room, and everyone was sitting in whatever place that they could be comfortable.

"What's going on?" Pip asked wearily. "I'm not going to find out about how Abraham wasn't really Isaac's father and how the Jews are going to be kicked out of Israel, so we need to save them, am I?"

Damien was the only one who laughed, and even then, it wasn't a very enthusiastic laugh. It was more of a "heh".

"No, actually, uhm...we're having a party tonight," Satan mumbled.

"Are Cain and Abel invited?" Pip asked.

"Well, actually, yes, they are. But they have to be kept 500 feet away from each other at all times," Mary said, cradling her baby that she had been pregnant with before they had even begun the whole Adam escapade. Mary had named the new child Levi, because she was hoping for him to be good with numbers when he grew up.

"Oh...ok," Pip mumbled. "Would you like me to stay out of the house for this then?"

"Of course not silly!" Satan exclaimed fervently. "You're absolutely invited!"

Sarah didn't look very happy with this.

"Well, uhm...ok..." Pip said. Then, he just walked out of the room and up to Damien's room. He threw his bag onto the floor and sullenly stared. He didn't know why he was in such a bad mood. Maybe it was because he had had to go to school and deal with everyone who hated him while Damien was at home planning a party. Pip kicked the dresser with all the force he could muster. "Aw shit..." he whispered; he had kicked it so hard it had left a dent. His foot was in major pain, but that wasn't why he was 'aw shit'-ing. He was 'aw shit'-ing because he had just noticeably ruined something of Damien's.

Damien then walked in, and asked what the fuck that huge bang was?

"I just kicked your dresser really hard," Pip muttered.

"Why?!"

"I don't know!" Pip protested. "I just don't feel good!"

Damien took one look at the dresser and said, "Pip, you've got one strong leg. Well, actually, I bet they're both equally strong...not that I'd ever get to find out or anything!"

_**Get**_to find out? _Does he want me to kick him really hard or something? _And then Pip realized that Damien had meant something completely different...

"Anyways, how was school?" Damien asked concernedly.

"Well, it sucked, and then at the end of school, Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny cornered me on the sidewalk," Pip remarked casually.

"What?" Damien said darkly.

"Oh, but don't worry or anything!" Pip protested. "I punched Cartman really hard in the nose!"

"Haha. Very funny."

"No, I did!"

Damien's eyes widened the slightest fraction of an inch, and then a big smile broke out on his face. "Pip, that's great! I bet Cartman won't come near you again for a long time!"

Pip smiled. "Oh, but it wouldn't matter anyways, because I know that you'd be here to protect me even if I couldn't protect myself," Pip said, assured in his belief that Damien would always, always be there.

"Oh. Well, about that..." Damien began, but was then cut off by Satan calling them downstairs to help set up the party decorations. "Never mind. I'll tell you tomorrow."

**

* * *

**

By the time 7:30 rolled around, the party was in full-swing. It wasn't like a teenagers party, it was more like a formal dinner party. Pip was enjoying eating all of the finger sandwiches and had even snatched a couple glasses of wine.

"Attention all party people!" said a man's voice. Pip looked up to the front of the room and saw Sampson, with Delilah hanging off of his arm, slightly drunk. "I would like to make a toast to my good friend Jesus! He's always been there when I needed my sins to be forgiven. Plus, he gave me really cool hair. Anyways, what I wanted to do was congratulate him on defeating that bastard Adam!" The room erupted into cheers. "He and his little posse have made it possible for the Earth to be happy again, for God to actually spend time with humans without being assassinated. I'm just so glad that he's coming home now, Heaven was getting a little boring without him, right Gabriel?" Sampson looked over at the archangel, who grinned while holding up his white wine. "Anyways, let us make a toast - to holiness! Oh, and to Mary's new baby Levi, who I'll actually get to spend some time with now , eh?"

Pip's head was spinning. Jesus and Mary were leaving? The whole room was cheering, like it was a _good _thing that Jesus and Mary were leaving. But, if Jesus AND Mary were leaving, then Sarah was leaving also. And if Jesus was leaving, then it was almost certain that Satan was leaving, and if Satan was leaving, then DAMIEN was leaving...either to Heaven or to Hell, it didn't really matter one way or the other, he was leaving, Pip was being left alone like he had been so many times before...

Damien rushed up to him through the crowd as Pip tried to walk to the door. "Pip wait, listen, I need to explain!"

"No, no, it's fine, you don't even need to say it, I'll leave, really, you don't need to worry about kicking me out, please don't feel guilty or anything," Pip murmuring as he made his way to the door. "It's not like I'm like a part of your family or anything," he whispered, tears collecting in his eyes.

"No, Pip!"

But Pip was out of the door and running before Damien had a chance to say a word. Pip was running in an all-too familiar direction.

_I've been abandoned..._ Pip thought to himself as he ran. _I've been ditched, I'm being left behind, I'm unwanted, I'm not important enough to stay behind for...what did I expect anyways though? That they'd actually stay in this Godforsaken town any longer than they had to? I didn't think so. _

Pip finally stopped running when he reached his destination. **His box. **He had decided, sub-consciously, whilst running, that he would live in his box like he had been before. He walked down the alleyway to where he used to live. Something was different though. Everything was in a different place. And there were two large refrigerator boxes here now... "What the..."

All of a sudden, a guy came out of each large fridge box. One of them was tall with scraggly hair, while the other one was bald and quite short. Pip gasped.

"Who the hell are you?" the tall one asked in a gruff voice. "Looking for some stuff? Well, we don't got any, I just sold the last of my shipment to some fat kid named Crapman or something like that..."

"N-no, I was just..."

The short one had a lecherous grin on his face. "You were just looking for some cash, weren't you? I'm sure with a cute little body like yours it's easy to make a few extra bucks, if you know what I mean," he said, chuckling in a very creepy old pervert way.

"No!"

The two hobos started advancing on him now. Pip was backing up as fast as he could, but they latched onto his arms before he could make a break. "You think you can escape from us, you stupid whore?" the scraggly haired one growled, right into Pip's face. His breath smelled like rotting onions mixed with skunk.

"Yeah, you're ours for good now," the bald one said, chuckling.

Pip struggled, but they had a good hold of him. His eyes started welling up with tears.

And then, suddenly, the most cliche thing happened: Damien came and kicked them both hard in the nuts. Both men screamed and ran off in the opposite direction as fast as they possibly could.

Pip fell limply to the ground.

"Hey, I thought you said that you could protect yourself now," Damien said with a little chuckle while hoisting Pip up by his arms. Only his chuckle was actually comforting, unlike the creepy bald man's had been.

"S-sorry," Pip whispered. As soon as he was standing, he clung as hard as he could to Damien's shirt.

"Don't be," Damien whispered back just as quietly. Damien's arms wrapped around Pip's shoulders protectively. "You should be sorry you ran away from me though...do you really want to leave me that bad?"

"No..." Pip mumbled.

"Well, if you had stayed a little bit longer, you might have been able to let me ask you if you wanted to come to Hell with my Dad and John and me," Damien muttered.

Pip was caught VERY off-guard by this question. Damien seemed to take this as hesitation.

"I mean, of course, it would make you dead and all, but Jesus could easily resurrect you anytime if you decided you didn't want to stay or something! And...you'd get a big King-sized bed...and you'd never get cold..."

Pip laughed out loud at the last thing that Damien had said. "I suppose I wouldn't...but...do you really have room for me?"

"Of course there's room for you Pip, it's Hell, there's room for every non-Morman that's ever been alive," Damien replied dryly.

"Oh...right...sorry...well, uhm, I mean, if you really want me to come..." Pip was unsure if Damien was doing this because he really wanted Pip to come and live with him or because he was guilty for leaving Pip on Earth and wanted to appease his own conscience.

"Of course I do...God, Pip..." Damien's arms wrapped, if possible, tighter around the blond Brit. Pip liked this feeling. He was warm, more thoroughly warm than any blanket could ever make him. Pip hesitantly wrapped his arms around Damien to get them out of the uncomfortable position of being squished between their two bodies. Pip almost expected Damien to push him away then, saying something about how this was "so fucking gay, you're such a fag Pip," or something.

But he didn't. His arms stayed securely around Pip, in fact, more likely tightening than loosening.

Pip decided that everything was right with the world.

**THE EN-**

And then, Pip got a hard-on.

Pip felt it right when it began, and he tried to pull away from Damien before he felt it too. _Shit shit shit shit NO!!! This isn't supposed to be happening! I am not supposed to be getting hard for my best -- psh, my ONLY -- friend in the whole world!_

However, Pip was not quite fast enough.

"Pip, what is that I feel?" Damien asked teasingly. Pip thought he sounding a bit ridiculing, but it might have just been his imagination.

"Uh...I was just uhm, thinking, about a girl, YEAH, a really really hot girl," Pip managed to sputter out.

"Right, you were thinking about a hot girl when we're in the middle of a tight and steamy embrace after I just asked you to come live with me in Hell..."

Pip pulled out of Damien's arms completely now. "No, it's not what you think! I didn't even mean to! It just happened, and I swear that I didn't mean for it to happen! I've just been having these weird thoughts, but I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please let me come with you, I promise it'll never ever happen again!" Pip was desperate now. _My feelings are ruining everything!_

"Well, what if I want it to happen again?"

The next thing Pip knew, Damien's lips were on top of his. Damien's. Lips. He was being kissed by Damien.

Damien pulled away and rested his head on Pip's shoulder. "Have I not been making it completely, utterly obvious that I _want _you, Pip? Have you seriously not figured it out?"

"No...I mean, yes...I mean, I haven't figured it out!"

Damien laughed. "Well, then I'll just tell you straight out Pip -- I want you as much as my Dad wants John. I want you as much as Jesus wants Mary. I want you as much as Sarah wants me. _I want you Pip. _To be mine. **Forever.**"

"For-forever?!"

"I'd try to have you longer than that, but it's a little bit impossible," Damien remarked dryly.

"I-I...but...you...me...what???"

Damien lifted his head and looked into Pip's eyes intensely. "You. I want to have you. Will you have me?"

Pip could barely make his head move in the appropriate direction. But he managed to nod. And as soon as he did, Damien's lips (his LIPS) were back to Pip's.

Damien broke away again and leaned his head onto Pip's shoulders, pushing him into the brick wall. "We're leaving tomorrow," he murmured. "Are you ready to go to Hell?"

"Yes...am I ever!"

**The Real Actual This Is Really It Except For The Epilogue End **

Yeah, there's an epilogue.

Read that too please :D

"You're part of my entity, if for infinity...because when the sun shines we'll shine together, told you I'll be here forever, said I'll always be a friend, told you I'ma stick it out til the end..."

Sorry, I could not think of a good chapter title to save my life. But now you can always think of Umbrella as Pip and Damien's theme song... hehe


	19. Are Epilogues Supposed To Have Titles?

**Disclaimer: **Ok, wait a minute. Hold up. You're telling me that you believed my LIES this whole time? When I was telling you that I owned South Park? You believed that I really did own SpongeBob and Post-It Notes and Wisconsin and all that crap along with South Park? Man, you're a freakin loser.

**Epilogue - Are Epilogues Supposed To Have Titles?**

It took all of Pip's effort not to cry as he stood in front of the pearly gates. He looked over at Peter, who was back to his normal job, for reassurance. Peter just shrugged and clicked a button, and the gates opened.

Pip was going into Heaven.

Not that he was going to stay in Heaven. Who would want to be there anyways, with all the Mormons running about? He was only going to be here for a little while.

Pip walked along the golden paved roads, watching unattentively as people in sweatervests and floor-length skirts traversed the roads, holding needles, thread, glue, buttons, and other various craft making equipment. They all stared when he walked by -- Pip did not look like your average Heaven citizen.

"Uhm, excuse me...excuse me, miss, could you...sir, please..." Pip tried to grab the attention of the Mormon's, but they all seemed to think he was evil or something, and stayed as far out of his range as possible.

Pip had conveniently forgotten to ask Peter for directions to his destination. Now he was stuck, lost and alone in Heaven.

That is, until he saw a sign, pointing him directly where he needed to go.

When Pip saw the large marble building, he knew immediately that this was what he had come to find. This was the building he was supposed to enter. There was a large queue of people outside, all seeming to be waiting to enter. Pip put himself in line, sighing dejectedly, seeing as he now had to wait for quite a long while to get inside.

So, it seemed like a miracle when a loud, booming voice said, "Pip Pirrup? God would like to see you now."

Pip squeaked and felt himself turn red when all of the others waiting in line started to glare at him when he was able to walk right inside without having to wait. _This doesn't feel right, I shouldn't be allowed in first like this, it's unfair..._ Pip then came to the conclusion that God did not want him to taint Heaven for any longer than necessary, so he had to be talked to before all of the other clean and pristine Mormons.

Pip could barely stop shaking as he walked up to the front desk. An angel with blonde curls was the one who was apparently on duty. He sported a name tag with the name of Gabriel on the front of his robes. "Ah, Pip Pirrup? Yes, yes..." Gabriel filled out a quick form and handed it to Pip. "Up the hall, to the right, up the stairs, through the big double doors. Give this to the man in the booth outside. Have a nice day and enjoy your talk with God!"

Pip tried again and again to quell his fear, but he was just too afraid. _What if God like...curses me?! I am such an abomination, what if He decides I'm too disgusting to even be forgiven? I surely am, surely God would forgive me if I were anyone else, but I'm not..._

Pip saw the man in the booth, right outside of the enormous doors, and handed him the paper. "Uhm...may, may I go in?" Pip asked timidly.

"Not yet," the man snapped. He punched a few things into the computer, and then pressed another button. The doors flung open.

Pip wondered if God would send him to the Hell that Satan had concocted for Adam. But surely that wouldn't be enough punishment...

As soon as Pip had walked in, the doors shut, leaving Pip alone in a grand hall of marble. He walked forward, seeing that at the end of the hall was a great circular room with a desk. Pip gasped. _God is sitting at that desk. _Pip stopped walking, and tried to make himself stop hyperventilating. But he couldn't. He just kept breathing and breathing and breathing, until a cold wind passed over him, making him stop breathing entirely.

"I think it would be wise for you to calm down," said a voice. The voice washed over Pip like a bath, cleansing him and warming his bones. The voice was nothing like any voice Pip had ever heard; there was no accent, no tone, no...anything. It was like nothing. A voice made out of nothing.

The cold wind seemed to pick Pip up and pull him into the main area. Pip gasped again as he saw the desk up-close. Behind the desk was a creature that Pip had definitely not been expecting. It seemed to be a half hippo, half monkey hybrid of some sort. Pip wondered how something with such a wonderful voice could have such an ugly body.

"Now Pip, I think that that is a quite rude thing of you to think," God tutted amusedly. Pip sharply inhaled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I mean, I'm sorry!" Pip fumbled around with his words, not quite able to get what he meant out. _Oh, this is just like me, to make a fool out of myself before I've even said a word..._

God suddenly transformed, into a Man, a Man with long silvery robes and so much hair on His head that Pip could only just see his eyes. "This is what I normally am," God explained. "But, I just love to see what people think when they see my cat-hippo-monkey hybrid form." God chuckled. "So, Pip, there was something important that you needed to see me about?"

Pip closed his eyes for a second. _Okay Pip, you can do this, all you have to do is open your mouth and say the words..._

"Well, if I were you, I'd open your mouth and say the words," God remarked casually. Pip squeaked and ducked his head. _This whole visit is going horribly wrong!_

"Pip, please don't be so down on yourself," God sighed.

Pip finally got up his courage. "G-God?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"I...I was, uhm, hoping that maybe You could, well...forgive me," Pip muttered.

"For?"

"For uhm, for...for being gay..." Pip whispered. He half-expected God to start yelling, to kick him out, to say that there was no chance a horrible nuisance like him would ever gain His forgiveness.

"Why on Earth would I need to forgive you for that?" God asked.

"Because, it says in the Bible - " Pip was cut off.

"It says in the Bible, 'A man shall not lie with another man as with a woman'." God sighed. "Everyone took this to mean that a man and a man can't lie together, but that's not what it meant it all! It just means that two men and a woman cannot lie at the same time! See, a man shall not lie with a man as with a woman? That doesn't mean that they can't lie together, it means that a man and a man cannot lie together if a woman is there too! The only reason I even said this was because I wanted the ancestry to be as accurate as possible, and if a woman got pregnant while sleeping with two men...well, who is the father? It would mess everything up. But everyone took this to mean that you cannot be gay!"

Pip dared to hope. "So, uhm, You're saying..."

"Yes, it's perfectly fine to be gay! Why would I create something just to condemn them right as soon as they're born!" God laughed. "There are less gays though, because I wanted to make sure that humans were still reproducing with a male and a female -- if too many people were gay, than the whole species would die out...but if everyone were straight, I think that the world would spring to over-population much too quickly. So, homosexuality is actually quite important, if people want to live on Earth for much longer."

Pip was positively beaming. "So it's okay that Damien and I are together!"

"Absolutely," God said, smiling down at Pip. "Now, was there anything else you wanted to say to Me?"

"Oh, I...I also wanted to apologize for praying so much," Pip mumbled. "I hadn't realized I was being such a burden for praying all the time! I'm really sorry!"

God frowned, his eyebrows furrowing quite angrily. "Pip, I NEVER want to hear you say that again. Do you hear Me?"

"I, yes, I - "

"NEVER apologize for praying. NEVER."

Pip wondered what he could possibly say then, since he WAS really sorry for praying so much. "But God, I was such a burden, You needed to save Your strength up for Adam and I prayed so much, You were probably getting so annoyed with me, just wishing I would shut my mouth!"

And then Pip realized that he had just back-talked God Himself, and immediately started apologizing copiously for _that _too.

"STOP!" God thundered. Pip shrunk down, feeling very much like an idiot for actually making God angry with him.

"I'm not mad at you, Pip," God said, much softer this time. "It will never be wrong for you to pray to Me, Pip. Remember this. I do not CARE if My energy should be focused somewhere else. I want more than anything to help My children. And you, Pip, are My child. And I want nothing more than to see you happy. Please stop being sorry. I never was getting annoyed with you, not once."

Pip wondered if God did the whole 'gotcha!' thing, and if He was about to say, "You just got punked!" or something like that. Pip was sure that this was too good to be true!

"Pip, let me tell you a story; something I've never told anyone else."

Pip was sure that there was no way that God would ever tell him something that He'd never told anyone else.

"I am going to tell you the miracle I performed that caused Adam to find Me."

Pip gasped. "Sir, God, Sir, I...You can't possibly tell me something like that, there is no reason for me to know," Pip babbled.

"Pip! Oh, My...this is worse than I thought..." God muttered. "I waited too long...I waited too long to do my miracle..."

Pip was sure it would have been too forward to ask why He'd waited too long, especially since he was probably not going to be told the story...

"No, I am still going to tell you the story," God reassured him. "Okay. Well, my miracle, Pip...I created a snake."

Pip cocked his eyebrow. "I, uh, not to sound condescending, but what reason could You possibly have to create a snake?"

God smiled in a way that told Pip that He surely knew something that he did not. "Ah, Pip. There was a very good reason for it, actually. A few horrible, mean boys decided to pull a terrible trick with it."

"You created a snake so that someone could be humiliated with it!?" Pip could not help his outburst -- he knew what it felt like to be humiliated, and the fact that God Himself helped someone do it...

"Ah, Pip, you are misled. You think I did it to hurt someone on purpose...no, no, no. I did it to help someone...someone who had never been helped before in his entire life."

"How does humiliating someone help someone!? I have never been helped by any of the humiliatiing things done to me! NEVER!"

"Are you so sure?"

Pip was seething. This could not be the God that everyone loved so much. There was no way that _God Himself _could be so horrible, so awful, so nasty, so -

_"Pip, what are we going to do with you?" asked the burly, red-haired man. "You always cause such problems at this school!"_

_Pip sat quietly in the blue plastic chair, not quite understanding what he had done wrong. "Mr. Withers, in all kindness, they put a snake in my shoe..."_

"Wait...You say You created a snake?"

God nodded.

Pip thought back to that day. When he had gotten in trouble with Mr. Withers, Mr. Withers and Ms. Keen had assigned him to see Damien around the school.

"If it wasn't for that snake, I would never have gotten in trouble that morning!" Pip said excitedly. "If I hadn't gotten in trouble, than I would never have even met Damien! He was in one of my classes, but he didn't sit close to me or anything. It was all because I had been the one forced to show him around..." Pip suddenly realized that God had risked His life, His sanity, His everything for Pip. "You risked Adam finding You for...for me?" Pip whispered.

God smiled kindly. "Pip, some things...some things are just worth it. You, the most miserable person in the world, and you still believed in Me. I couldn't possibly just let you stay so miserable when there was a chance, a small chance, that I could save you. I'm God, I'm supposed to be saving people, right? I was so ashamed of Myself, of not being able to be there for My children...I had to save you, Pip. I had to."

God walked up to Pip and pressed His hands around Pip's. "Pip. You are the single most selfless person who has ever lived, I believe, besides Jesus of course. I couldn't just leave you unrewarded, miserable, when you were doing exactly what I wanted you to do!"

Pip felt light, like he could fly away. "Oh my God!"

"Pip, keep being a good son. I will try to be a good Father if you continue to be a wonderful child."

Pip nodded vigorously. "Of course, God! I'll do anything You ask me, I'll be a good child, I promise!"

God smiled. "Now, if my All-Seeing Eye thing is correct, I think Damien is missing you a little bit..."

Pip blushed. "Er..."

"You'd better run along. We'll talk soon. Don't worry."

Pip stumbled back out of the room, barely able to believe he had survived.

_Thank You God..._

**_By the way Pip, I forgot to tell you, _**God's voice echoed in Pip's head. **_You don't suck. Not in the slightest._**

**THE TRUE REAL END.**

* * *

So. What did you guys think? Good ending? Bad ending? I thought it was actually a pretty good ending, to be honest. I think I actually pulled off the epilogue pretty well. 

Ok. Amazement time.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! Did I seriously get such a positive response for this story?? SERIOUSLY?? I have never even written a story before! This was my first chaptered story EVER that I've finished! I never thought I'd finish, I mean, look at chapter 5, I almost DIDN'T. But I finished!

It's all thanks to my wonderful reviewers. Seriously. What's the point of finishing a story if no one likes it? And apparently, a lot of people really liked my story. I am so happy. This is like, my first real big accomplishment. I've finished some songs, I've finished some one-shots, but an entire story? I've never done that. I've never done _THIS._

So yeah. Society's Cavity left the funniest reviews ever, I sometimes wrote chapters just to see what she thought of it. Haha. Funny stuff. I love her.

Oh yeah, I wrote a poem! I wrote it before I even started this story I think, but I really like it, so I am going to share it with you real fast:

**A beautiful angel, a menacing demon  
****One is pure, the other a heathen  
****But coming together they create something new  
****A child is born, a paradox through and through  
****Inside his conscience purity resides  
****But a roaring flame inhabits his eyes  
****His mind never knows which way to go  
****Good or bad? He's confused and alone  
****He wants to fit in, so he hurts someone else  
****But his conscience reminds him of the trouble that tells  
****He wants to be naughty, he wants to be nice  
****He's paying his mother and father's price  
****He can't go to ****H****eaven, he can't go to ****H****ell  
****So he stays on the Earth, unaccepted as well  
****Will anyone love him? Probably not...  
****The outcasted Brit boy is all that he's got**

It's about Damien. And his mom is the heathen one, lol, not Satan. Satan is the pure one.

Anyways. Thanks you guys so much. I am going to bed now. It's 3 in the fucking morning.


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